Monday, December 29, 2014

One Year

A year ago today my husband died.

I find it so interesting that I am such a planner but there have been a couple of times this year where I had an idea of what I wanted to do on a specific anniversary but didn't actually have a set plan.  I wanted to keep this day open mainly because I didn't know how I would feel and what I would need. I didn't know if I would want to stay in bed for most of the day and feel sorry for myself.  I didn't know if I would be in a "carpet diem" kind of mood.  All I knew was that I wanted to get my very first tattoo in memory of Jeff today and that's exactly what I did.  I also got out of bed, went to Pilates, took his favorite food and drinks to the cemetery and shared dinner with him.  As I sat at the cemetery, I thought about a lot of things.

A year ago today, I remember wondering how I would ever survive without Jeff.  I remember being so afraid of living without him.  I remember thinking that I would never be strong enough to live in this house by myself.  I remember feeling so close to my in-laws.

Looking back, I'm proud of myself.  I have survived.  I have figured out how to continue living and have found moments of genuine joy.  I have a new job.  I live alone and it isn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I finally feel like I'm returning to the strong and independent person I used to be who went out and bought a house all by herself.  I'm not quite where I need to be but I feel like I am finally on my way.  I still feel him around me.  I see signs that he's still with me.  I relish and wait hungrily for those moments.

It's not all roses and rainbows though.  I absolutely despise taking out the trash cans on trash day and putting them away. That is something I was never responsible for and never thought I would have to do.  It distinctly reminds me that I'm on my own.

I'm still not speaking to my in-laws.  I was inconsistently emailing my brother-in-law and texting
with my father-in-law but have finally admitted that I need more time away from them to continue to heal.  But I miss them terribly.  They are so much like Jeff but are also so special and unique in their own ways.  I feel like holding on to them is holding on to Jeff too tightly.  I want to hold on so badly but know I need to let go to move forward.

I have also finally admitted that my mother-in-law and I will never be close again and there are times when I feel like what I thought was a close relationship all these years was a sham.  I'm not sure if she ever really loved me or if she just used me to stay close to her son.  I feel like she showed one face while he was alive and soon after he died, the real face came out.  But sometimes I feel like we may just both be grieving so hard that we cannot seem to get on the same page, that I inadvertently hurt her and she returns the favor.  That is something that will either figure itself out or not and I'm finally ok with that.

It's crazy how much has changed and also stayed the same in one year.  I have figured out who my real friends and family are.  I am disappointed in a couple of lost relationships and I am learning to let go of those as well.  I am also overwhelmed at how many people truly love and care about me and have stepped forward to embrace and support me.  Those are the relationships that I focus on and continue to nourish and feed.

Jeff and I were lucky that we had the time to truly appreciate and love each other before he left this Earth.  We had the opportunity to tell each other how much we respected and cherished each other. I'm trying to treat all of my relationships like that now.  I have learned to say everything that needs to be said and not hold anything back, especially when it comes to telling people how much I appreciate, love, respect, and cherish them in my life.

I have learned to live each day like it could be my last.  I have learned to take chances and do what I need to do to make myself happy, even if it's risky and scary.  Things don't always work out the way I hoped and sometimes I have had to stop and reevaluate a failure or disappointment.  I don't regret taking the chance though because some risks have worked out specifically when I left a comfortable job to go after my dream job.  Jeff taught me all of these lessons.  Some when he was still with me and others after he was gone.

It has been a rough year to say the least but I am proud of myself for getting through this first year without the love of my life and best friend.  I know he's proud of me too.


Friday, December 19, 2014

Today Was the Day

I am so glad that I switched schools this year.  Today was the day last year, as I was giving out grades to my students, that I got the phone call from the doctors telling me that there was nothing else they could do for Jeff and I should begin hospice.  A little over a week later, he was gone.

If I was still at my old school, the memories of being in that same classroom, with the same schedule, doing the same thing I did last year would have driven me crazy.  I recognized this week that certain things happened last year (the night he went in the hospital, the 10 days spent in the hospital, how I juggled finals week and grading and spending the nights with him, and of course today, when I got that terrible phone call) but since I am in such a new environment, I recognize the feelings but then they pass and I am trying not to wallow.

I think it has also helped tremendously that I have said yes to every social event and actually gone, whether I was in the mood to or not, because, so far, since I have gotten to the event, I have had a good time and end up enjoying myself. 

The only really tough part is the drive home by myself to an empty house. 

What has also helped is scheduling all of the good-for-me things such as going to my bereavement group, my therapy appointment, my emotional release appointment, my facial appointment, maintaining my workout schedule, getting plenty of sleep, and trying to eat as healthy as I can. 

Last year, all I did was take care of Jeff and I feel the need to take care of someone so this year, I chose to take care of myself.  I am truly trying to take care of myself.

I have a plan for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the first anniversary of Jeff's death.  I have a cousin from out of town staying with me too so I will not be alone. 

I feel like I am doing all of the "right" things and I'm also not denying or distracting myself from the sad feelings.  When I do feel sad, I sit with it, I journal, and try and think of the good times with him and I also think about all the things I have to be grateful for right now. 

I love that famous saying by Dr. Seuss, "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."  I still cry because it's over but after, I smile because I still feel so lucky that Jeff happened to me.

Friday, December 12, 2014

I Love Young, Widowed & Rebuilding

This specific post from Wendy's blog is so me!  I feel like I could be her, and she could be me, our stories are so similar yet different at the same time.

She gives me hope that there's a light at the end of the tunnel especially because she is now remarried with a new baby.

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Rough Waters Ahead

It's the most wonderful time of the year, right?  Well not for me.  I'm having a big old pity party.  I miss Jeff.

Not only is this the month for celebrations but it's also the month Jeff died and the most stressful month for teachers, with final exams and grades due.  I used to love Christmas but I'm dreading it this year.

Jeff was not a big fan of Christmas mainly because he was a UPS driver so right after Thanksgiving he was working 10-12 hour days and he was exhausted. The 10 years we were together, he couldn't or just didn't want to attend all of the holiday festivities, parties, and gatherings because of work.  I never really minded though because I knew he would be home waiting for me.

Well as usual, every Friday, Saturday, and quite a few weeknights this month I'm booked with the usual festivities.  Driving home from this first week of them has been making me more and more sad though.  Going to all the parties feels normal, since he rarely came with me.  But driving home I always looked forward to seeing him and hearing about his day and just being with him, even if he wasn't in the mood to talk.  Just being in his presence made me happy.  Driving home to an empty house this time of year just distinctly reminds me that he is gone. I am sad.

I'm trying hard to think of the positives and all the things I have to be grateful for but it's hard to not be angry that I had something so great at one point and now it's gone at no fault of my own. We weren't perfect but we were truly happy together.

This is what I should focus on, I had my soulmate. We found each other and loved each other fiercely. I know many people my age and older who haven't found their soul mate yet.  But sometimes driving home, I wonder how I could have been so blissfully happy and now I'm so miserably despondent.

I love this passage from one of my favorite widow blogs.  Wendy's blog was the first widow blog I read and she's still my favorite.  I relate so strongly to her.  She is my hero. I go back and reread her blog over and over, especially when I feel like this.

"For whatever reason, yesterday was a tough day. I've been having more good days than bad days recently, and thought I was doing well. I guess I am still doing well, even if there was one day in which that wasn't the case. It's funny how one bad day can loom so large that it overwhelms the good days and makes them all but disappear in my mind. On a bad day, it's as though a big dark cloud rolls in that is so dark, heavy, and large, it's hard to remember that the sun ever shined or to believe that it ever will again. After a bad day like that, I know it will take a while for me to have another truly good day. The storm front takes time to roll through and away, off the horizon. I guess it makes sense -- a tornado doesn't last long, but the aftereffects are devastating and it takes serious time and effort to clean up the debris and rainwater and to restore things to their previous condition, if that is even possible."

So again, I need to remind myself to be patient and kind to myself, especially this time of year.

I also need to remember that I am without Jeff, but I am not alone.  I am not alone in life or my grief. Many others are feeling and have felt exactly like me and we cannot allow ourselves to be lost in the storm.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

11 Months

I can't believe it's been 11 months since my husband died.  I feel like he was just here yesterday but when I look at the two full notebooks I've filled journaling and this blog, I can't believe that I've survived this long without him.

If you haven't picked up on this from my past blogs I tend to be a bit of a planner, others may call it controlling.  I'm gearing up for holiday season and the one year mark.  So far I've survived Thanksgiving.

I'm trying to prepare myself for this next month, which I've heard and read is going to be pretty tough.  I have to get through finals and grades for my students.  Jeff went into the hospital right before finals week and on grade day was when I got the call from the doctors recommending hospice.  I feel like I could have a little bit of post traumatic stress related to all of that.  I'm trying to remember that anxiety is just the fear of being afraid.

So I've scheduled some things I'm hoping will help me get through this next month. I will be going to my bereavement group, I have an appointment with my therapist, I scheduled a facial, and I'm trying something new called emotional release technique.

But I've also been thinking a lot about birth and death.  This may sound crazy, but I feel they are very similar in a couple aspects.

They say that a new parent can never truly be ready for a child.  They can plan and prepare but until that child takes it's first breath, no preparation or planning can prepare that parent enough. It is a turning point, a life changing moment.

I feel the same about the death of my husband. No planning or preparation could have prepared me for his last breath and the aftermath of that moment.  The years that follow are a mystery just like the aftermath of a birth and the first breath of a newborn.

No one can predict, plan, or prepare for what's ahead when it comes to a birth or a death, even when we know they are inevitable.  We just have to get through and do the best we can and hope it's enough.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Around this time last year we found out that Jeff's cancer had spread to his brain. We were about to start whole brain radiation.

I'm trying to focus on the things I am thankful for.  Here is my list of things I am thankful for this year:

  • I found a soul mate that I loved unconditionally and who loved me unconditionally.  It was real and I got to experience it.
  • I have a fantastic job now.  His death helped me take the chance to leave a pretty comfortable position and  reach for a better one.
  • I live in a pretty awesome neighborhood and a pretty awesome house that I can afford.
  • I have unbelievably supportive friends and immediate family.
  • My dog is awesome, even if she is a hot mess.
I plan on eating myself senseless and spending time with those I love today.  I miss my husband but I have a lot of things to be thankful for. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Widowhood Is Different Than a Breakup

Dealing with the death of my husband is so different than a break up.  The void that I feel after my husband died is so extreme that I just feel lost, I feel like I am just blowing every which way in the wind.

I have had one major break up in my life and I remember the pain of that break up but this is different.  With the break up, I focused on my ex, on what he was doing in everyday life.  I could picture him going about his daily activities, wondering what he was eating, how work was going, what he was doing, the potential of him calling, of running into him, and of course, even the fantasies that one day we might get back together.

With the break up I was also hurt and a little angry with some guilt mixed in because there is always at least a little of that in a break up, which is why people break up.  Something didn't work in the relationship.  There were problems.

But because Jeff is just gone, there is nothing to focus on.  He is not of this Earth anymore.  I cannot picture him going about daily activities.  There is no chance that he will call, or I will run into him, or any fantasy of us being together again like we were before.  I am not hurt or angry about anything he did to me.  I don't feel guilty.  Because he had cancer and we knew he was going to die sooner than we wanted, we were able to say everything we needed to say.  I knew how much he loved me and I was able to tell him how much I loved him.

So this is not like a break up for me.  With a break up, I had something to focus on.  With the death of the love of my life there is literally nothing to focus on.  There is just nothing there.  I'm lost.  I feel like my soul is searching for something to cling to, to connect with.  Our relationship didn't end because we weren't right for each other, because we hurt each other, or because we didn't want to be together.  Our relationship ended because he died.

I went from having a perfectly functional relationship, that wasn't perfect by any means, but it was awesome, it was fulfilling, it was a fantastically equal partnership, to just nothing.  It is just gone.  He is gone.

Sometimes I feel like a divorce or break up can be harder then a death.  I know Jeff would never choose to leave me and I usually get nothing but sympathy.  With a divorce or break up, it doesn't really matter who does the leaving, there is usually regret and hurt, especially when the other person has moved on or is happy and you're not.

Most of the time with a break up or a divorce there is no sympathy.  People might say stupid stuff to widows but at least there is sympathy.  People definitely say stupid stuff to divorcees and there usually isn't any sympathy.

But at least with a break up I had something to focus on.  I had the hurt or anger or guilt to focus on.  There is a glimmer of hope in the background that someday, we could get back together.

With his death, I just can't wrap my head around it.  I try and focus on looking for signs that he is still around, that he still loves me, that we will be together one day in a different way.  But it's just not the same.  The void I feel is massive.  I don't have any hurt or anger or guilt to fill it. 

Some of you have hurt, anger, and guilt and probably think I have nothing to complain about.  Maybe I should focus on that.



Friday, November 14, 2014

The Long Island Medium

This past weekend I was able to go see the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo for the second time.

The first time was about 6 months after Jeff died.  I went to see her in Palm Springs and was in the very last row in the venue.  There was no way I was going to even get a chance of being "read" but I went for the experience of it and I felt great after even though I didn't get read.

This second time I was able to get front row seats, but I still did not get read although half of my row and the people directly behind me all got read.

Now I know this whole idea of a person who talks to dead people is very controversial.  Trust me, when I started telling people that I bought tickets to go see her again I got comments all over the spectrum from people who wholeheartedly believed to people who felt like she is a scam artist and that she is taking advantage of people's grief and stealing their money.

I'm not trying to talk anybody into believing or not believing, that's not what this post is about.  Whether you believe or not, and whether I believe or not, is really not important. 

But what I do feel is important is her overall message.  I felt her message was very motivational. 

If you get anything from the show it's her message that our loved one's want us to be happy and they are in a better place.  Their soul continues to grow and change just like we continue to grow and change here in the physical world and that it is up to us how we decide to go on with our lives.

She also says that the messages our loved ones want us to hear are ones that we need to hear not want to hear.  Some of her statements are repetitive.  If you've seen the show, you know that a lot of the things she says tend to be similar types of messages.  But I still think there is something to her, which is her overall message that our loved ones want us to be happy.

I feel whether a person believes or not, her message is extremely motivational.  I feel she is a great motivational speaker and people who have lost their loved ones need some motivation.  They need the ability to move on with their lives.  Why would anyone we love, who loves us, want us to be unhappy?  Those who have left us still live on, just in a different way.  How can that not bring us happiness?

So even if people think she can't talk to dead people, her message is clear: go on with your life and be happy because that is what our loved ones would want. 

I thoroughly enjoyed her show both times.  Even though I didn't hear from Jeff, I feel like he is around, I see signs from him in my everyday life, I know he wants me to be happy.

Why would a skeptic want to ruin that?

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Loss and Rebirth

I read an interesting article by Jordan Gray called Shame: Learning to Love After a Devastating Breakup that had a particular quote that stood out for me:

"The loss of the people you love is inevitable. At some point in your life, every relationship you have is going to end. But that’s the beautiful thing about human interaction and emotional intimacy. You can either resent the temporary nature of the world, or you can embrace the full spectrum of the emotions that you are fortunate enough to be able to feel and cherish everyone in your life as they are today."

Another article I read by Jill Gross called How Painful Relationships Can Be The Best Teachers also had a quote that particularly stood out for me:

"So, if you are in the shadowy aftermath of loss and it feels as if you are dying, perhaps you are really in the process of being reborn. It is your own inner wisdom that has led you to where you are, so trust it."

I would never say my relationship with Jeff was painful but my relationship with his family has been especially painful these last few months.

I know the articles deal with break ups and not death but they still relate to the widowed.  Whether you "lose" a person through a break up or through death, the fact is still the same, you lost someone you love.  Unfortunately, for most of us, the losing doesn't stop with just one person.  I am now experiencing the loss of his whole family, who before, were my number one supporters.

A loss is a loss, whether the person is gone from the Earth or just gone from your life, they are still gone.  I am experiencing  the grief of multiple losses, not only my husband, but his family as well.

So in the aftermath of a loss, no matter what that loss entails, I know I feel like I am dying.  I guess the pain that I am experiencing in trying to create a new normal is similar to a rebirth.

So hang in there everyone who has experienced a loss.  Remember that you can embrace the temporary nature of the world because it proves that you are fortunate enough to be able to feel and cherish those you love, whether they are in your life today or not.

The pain you are experiencing is hopefully you being reborn, at least, that is what I keep telling myself.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Really?

We all know that there is stress and tension after a loved one dies.  We all know that every person grieves differently.  We all know that those close to the person who died suffer terribly.  But I don't understand why we have to add more suffering to each other's lives.

We have a family tradition on Halloween.  Every year for the past 6 years, we have always gone to my sister's house for Halloween.  My sister's husband makes his famous chili verde and we all sit around and help pass out candy, laugh and exclaim over all of the costumes, and just spend time together.

Now that my sister has two-and-a-half year old twin girls, it's gotten even more fun.  Jeff's parents have since participated in this tradition and they had an awesome time last year after they moved from Texas to be with Jeff after he was diagnosed. 

Since Jeff's mom watches my sister's twins three days a week, our families got even closer.  They came to my sister's house for Thanksgiving and my parent's house for Christmas Eve, and we have had lots of family BBQ's.

But things have changed dramatically these last few months.

This year, my sister invited Jeff's parents over for Halloween for the usual chili verde and passing out candy and of course to see my adorable nieces in their costumes.  Jeff's mom's response to her was that they would not come because they did not want to be around me, they were just too uncomfortable around me because of the whole "Roommate Situation."

Really?  How am I supposed to feel about that?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  They haven't spoken to me since the whole "roommate situation" went down. 

I just don't understand how they can feel the way they feel.  I took care of their first born son, literally until his last breath. 

I took in their other son and helped him for 7 months and because I recognized that it was not healthy for me and told him he had 5 more months to live with me and HE chose to go back to Texas immediately, I have become public enemy #1?

Really?

I know I need to be sympathetic to my in-laws who are grieving and suffering terribly.  I know that they may have a different perspective and outlook.  I know there are always multiple sides to every story.  But I just do not know how to not be hurt by their actions and words.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Ten Months

Jeff has been gone 10 months today.  I am living alone for the first time in my life.

The transition to living alone has actually been relatively peaceful.  I had more anxiety about living alone before I lived alone.  Now that I do live alone, it's really not so bad.  I am getting used to doing everything by myself.  Of course the first few days of living alone my porch light shorted out and my garbage disposal broke.  But I got through it and figured out how to get it all fixed.

Jeff was never much of a handyman so it's not like he could have fixed the porch light or the garbage disposal anyway.  I was always the one to figure out ways to take care of the issues around the house when he was still alive.  But there is just something about having a partner to not only suffer through life's difficulties with, but also celebrate life's triumphs.

I try and always remember that even though I am without him, I am not alone.  I have so many great friends and family and Jeff is still always with me.

I really feel that Jeff has been with me, helping me transition and relieving my anxiety.  I know I will have bad days, but right now I'm just grateful that these first couple transitional weeks have been ok, I am ok.

Friday, October 24, 2014

Happy Birthday Bober

Today is Jeff's 39th birthday and I'm off to Las Vegas.

Every year for the past 15 or so years, Jeff and a bunch of his friends would go to Vegas sometime in the month of October because so many of them had birthday's in October.  Once Jeff and I started dating, I started tagging along sporadically when I could, and since a few of my own girlfriends have birthdays in October, they started joining the party too. 

Jeff went every year with his friends.  I even paid for him to go by himself as his birthday present right after we got engaged, even though I couldn't go because of work responsibilities.  Last year was the only year he didn't go.  He just wasn't feeling it.

This year, we decided to go on his actual birthday and celebrate him and everyone else who has a birthday in October.

Happy birthday love of my life.  I am keeping your traditions alive.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Homework

I know I'm a teacher and I assign homework but I'm such a hypocrite because I don't like it when it's assigned to me.  I had therapy a couple of days ago and after going through everything with "the roommate situation," I got a homework assignment.

My therapist was right when he said that all of this stuff with Jeff's parents and brother was just a distraction.  Now that it's no longer distracting me, I can get to the real work of moving forward. 

He asked me what I wanted and what would make me happy.  When he asked me that, I was speechless for the first time. Usually when he asks me a question, I have an immediate response. This is the first time I've been speechless.  And then I started crying.  I had no idea why I was so emotional.

He told me that this would be a "homework" assignment. 

I told my therapist I didn't like that homework assignment and that I probably wouldn't do it.  Essentially, I came to the realization that I was afraid of it.

Then he asked me another question that made me cry even more. He asked me if I wanted to stay where I am right now, if I wanted to stay in this place and be stagnant.

I know I don't want to stay here in this anxiety ridden, unhappy place, but only I can do the work to move forward.  But moving forward also means moving forward without Jeff and that's terrifying,  that's full of guilt, that's just no good.  But where I am now is no good, it's full of guilt, and it's terrifying too.

So these past couple of days, I started thinking.  I have my dream job.  I have a fantastic house.  I have enough money to support myself.  I have my family and my friends.  I have everything I could want except someone to share it with. 

I don't have a partner in life.  I had the best partner in life, but he died.

So where do I go from here?  All I want is my partner back.  Since I can't have him back, what else do I want?

I'm stuck.  I don't want anything else. 

So I guess I have to keep doing my homework.  I have to keep thinking about what I want and what would make me happy. 

I know that this is the hardest homework assignment I've ever had.  I also know that it is the most important homework assignment I've ever had.  Did I mention already that I don't like homework.

Sunday, October 12, 2014

The Roommate Situation Part 3

Jeff's brother officially moved out yesterday.  He's staying with a friend for a few days before he begins the drive to Texas in two days.

He left much sooner than I expected but I keep telling myself that this is a good thing.  We are both hurting so much.  It was very tense in the house.  He is still angry but I can tell he is trying to understand. 

I still feel terrible but am also tired of feeling so terrible and I'm ready to move on.  I'm tired of feeling guilty, tense, and unsure of what kind of situation I will encounter when I walk into my own house.  We have mainly been avoiding each other but there are times where it's inevitable to be in the house together and usually that involves some really deep conversation that is tense and most often angry.  We are both trying to express to the other how much we are hurting.

Strangely enough, this has been so terrible that I am actually looking forward to the next horrible emotion, loneliness. 

I am still very anxious about being alone but I'm trying to handle it as best I can.  I have tried to come up with coping skills.  I know that it is going to be difficult and I will definitely have lots of bad days but I will survive.  It will get easier.  I will get through it.  I have to do the work by myself.

Surprisingly, we are both so hurt yet we are having a hard time letting go of each other.  I was not expecting him to contact me once he decided to stay with his friend before he went to Texas but he has been texting and calling.  He wants to say goodbye one last time before he leaves.  He also left a couple of things here that he still wants so he needs to pick them up before he goes.

He is an introvert and doesn't communicate well, which was one of the biggest problems I had living with him, so I'm not expecting him to reach out to me very often once he is back in Texas.  From my experience with him, he is very "out of sight, out of mind."  I hated it before but am kind of glad he's like that right now.

I know I need to not have contact with him for a while.  I feel like I am extremely co-dependent and I know that I need to break away in order to become truly independent again.  Once he is on his way to Texas, I plan on deleting his phone number from my phone.  That way I will not be tempted to "check up" on him and find out how the drive is going, how he's settling in, how he's doing, what the weather is like, what he had for dinner, etc. 

I am a big girl.  I can live alone.  I can do it.  I have nothing to be afraid of.  But I will definitely not be watching any "Criminal Minds," "Dateline," or scary movies for a while.  Let's take it one step at a time.

Saturday, October 4, 2014

The Roommate Situation Part 2

Jeff's brother got his old job back in Texas.  He starts November 3rd.  He will be gone in less than 3 weeks.  This is bittersweet for me.
 
On the one hand, once he told me he got his old job back a huge weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  The guilt that I was harboring mostly melted away.  In my head, I rationalize it as he took a 7 month vacation and now he's just returning to his old life in Texas.

But then the idea of being alone hits me and the anxiety comes raging back.  I would love to be one of those people who actually enjoys being alone.  I have 5 single girlfriends all around my age who live alone and they talk about how awesome it is, how much they enjoy coming home to a quiet house and have no body to worry about other than themselves.  That sounds like a nightmare to me.

I love cooking for someone. 

I enjoy having someone to talk to about my day when I get home and I enjoy hearing about their day.

I am comforted knowing someone is home with my dog while I'm out and I don't have to rush home.

I am a social person.  I have never lived alone before.  I moved from my parents house, into an apartment with my cousin and his one year old son, and then in with Jeff.  When Jeff died, his parents lived with me until his brother moved in. 

I was talking to my therapist two days ago and we both agreed that Jeff's brother moving out is the best decision for my overall health and the sooner the better.  How could I live with this much tension for another five months?  I brought up my anxiety of living alone.  My therapist was very reassuring that I could do it.  He reminded me that anxiety is essentially fear of being afraid.  With careful practice and not avoiding, I can retrain my brain into recognizing there really isn't anything to be afraid of.  I practiced the other day.  A panic attack began and I just sat with it.  Eventually, after 10 minutes or so my heartbeat slowed, the nausea decreased, the tension eased.  But then I started thinking about how painful it was to experience that anxiety and it came roaring back. 

I know that it's really about the fear of experiencing that pain again.  So I need to continue to practice.  I wrote down what I think I'm afraid of and some practical things I can do to relieve it.  I will try to go back to that list and try and remind myself that my fear is irrational.  That there really isn't anything to be afraid of.

Now that I know how soon he will be leaving, the guilt went away but the anxiety remained.  But I am gaining the tools to deal with the anxiety.

I need to remind myself that I have always been a strong and independent woman.  These drastic changes in my life have made me dependent on others.  I know that this is all normal in my situation and I need to give myself some leeway but I am also angry at myself and the situation in general. 

I don't deserve to have lost my husband and to experience this much pain. 

I don't deserve to have had a very well planned life and then have that ripped away and now fear the unknown path ahead. 

But that is all irrelevant.  It happened, and it's happening and I just need to put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

In less than 3 weeks I will be alone.  I will be ok.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

The Roommate Situation

My roommate is moving out.  I am filled with anxiety and pain about being alone and hurting him but I know that this is the best thing for me to continue my grieving process.  My roommate is Jeff's brother. 

I knew when Jeff's brother moved in that it probably wasn't the best idea.  I never mentioned that "this much needed roommate" from a previous blog was Jeff's brother, most likely because I knew him moving in wasn't going to be the best idea.

I feel like I've been doing something that I call transferring.  I transferred my emotions from Jeff to his parents when they lived with me the first two months after Jeff died and then to his brother when he moved in with me before his parents moved out.  I have never been alone since Jeff died.  I have always had one of his immediate family members living with me. 

I have been holding on to Jeff by taking pieces from his family and using them as substitutes for Jeff.  I know it's not healthy but it's what I felt I needed at the time. 

Now I know that all it is doing is prolonging the inevitable painful loneliness and grief of truly mourning Jeff and getting used to being alone.  What we should have done was set boundaries but we didn't.  So he moved in and I started treating him just like I treated Jeff.  I cooked for him and helped him with whatever he needed.  He drives Jeff's truck and is wearing a bunch of Jeff's clothes.  I put his needs and priorities over my own and did whatever I could to make him happy.  I transferred my caretaking abilities from Jeff to his brother.  I was desperately trying to create that emotional connection that I had with Jeff. 

But of course none of that was reciprocated as it shouldn't have been.  But my feelings were hurt because I expected it to be reciprocated and I know now that was irrational.  Because of my hurt feelings and my realization that this is not healthy, I've finally had enough.  I have to set boundaries. 

We never set a date for how long he would live with me.  We said it was because he was moving from Texas and he didn't have a job so how could he know when he would be able to move out without knowing when he would be able to afford to move out.  Now I realize that wasn't a good reason.  So I set a date.  I told him he had five more months living with me.

He is very angry and feels like he quit is life and his job in Texas to move here and help me and since it took him 6 months to find a part time job, he doesn't think that he will be able to move out on his own in five months.  He feels betrayed and I completely understand why.  I made promises before he moved here that he could live with me for at least a year and most likely two years but we always left it open in case he wouldn't be financially ready to move out in two years. 

Five months from now will be a year.  He feels he needs more time and that family shouldn't do this to each other.  He's so angry that he is planning to move out immediately, most likely back to Texas.  I feel terrible and it is so tense in the house.  But I am "sticking to my guns."  I am not giving in.  I need to set boundaries.

I feel absolutely horrible, but when I made those promises to him, I didn't realize how I would feel once he was here.  There is a reason why everybody says to not make any big decisions the first year or two of becoming a widow.  I shouldn't have made those promises to him but I just couldn't stand to be alone and I really wanted him here.  I needed him here.  He is so much like Jeff and I just want to hold on to Jeff so badly.  But now I know how unhealthy that is for me.  Unfortunately, I am hurting him in the process.  I am devastated by how much I have hurt him.

I am having such severe anxiety throughout these last few days.  I can't eat, I can't sleep, I feel anxious and tense and nauseous.  I cry all the time.  It feels just like when we found out Jeff had terminal lung cancer.  This idea of being alone without any piece of Jeff around is killing me.  The idea of how terribly I am hurting his brother, who I care so much about and who now hates me and vows to never speak to me again, is horrible.  But I know it's what I need to be able to become strong and independent.  I cannot rely on him any more for emotional support.  I need to be able to rely on myself.

This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make.  I've been told that some of the best decisions are the most heart wrenching to make.  I know that this is the best decision for me, but I feel it is just as hard as losing Jeff because his brother helped me cope with his loss in the beginning and now I've lost Jeff and I am losing his brother too.


Monday, September 29, 2014

Nine Months

Nine months ago today, Jeff died.

I remember right after he died, I thought about if I had gotten pregnant right before he died I would have a baby around this time.  I would have a little piece of Jeff running around, reminding me of him constantly. 

Sometimes I think that Jeff's child would be a tribute to his life, as that child matured, his/her life would be like Jeff still living.  But then I'm reminded of all of the other tributes to Jeff.  A child is not the only way Jeff lives on. 

There have been so many tributes to Jeff since he died.  There have been golf tournaments, softball tournaments, and bocce ball tournaments dedicated to him.  There are multiple fantasy football tournaments dedicated to him.  There is a Facebook page someone created in memory of him.  All of these tributes constantly remind me of how special he really was and the impact he made on so many different people.

So even though Jeff never had a child, so many other tributes live on.  He will always be remembered and loved, which will ensure that he always lives on.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

It's My Birthday and I'll Cry If I Want To

Tomorrow is my 35th birthday.  My first birthday without Jeff.

I woke up this morning feeling ok, but now I'm feeling pretty sad.  I had a nice good cry already.

As I'm trying to figure out what is making me sad, I just keep trying to remind myself that all the reasons for being sad are pretty selfish and irrational.  I have been so fortunate with all those close to me rallying around to make my birthday a happy one.

Yesterday, my sister and girlfriends threw me a high tea for my birthday, which is one of my favorite things.  I had a high tea for my bridal shower.  Last year, we went to high tea for my birthday at this awesome English tea house.  My friends and sister worked very hard to throw me one at my sister's house yesterday.  My sister went all out and had four different kinds of teas and made all of the food herself.  I felt very special.  Yesterday was a good day.

But today, I just can't seem to stop feeling sorry for myself.  I got a bunch of chores done around the house today so I wouldn't have to do them on my actual birthday tomorrow, but as I was doing them I was having a pity party.  If Jeff was still here, I would be sharing these chores or not even doing them at all because it's my birthday weekend.  We would have gone out to a nice dinner and I would have gotten some very thoughtful gift.  He always did such a good job on my birthday.

Tomorrow, I have already scheduled my day.  I will go to a Pilates class in the morning, then treat myself to a movie, then I have plans to go out to dinner with some girlfriends.  Actually, this entire week I have plans with someone to either go out to dinner or lunch for my birthday.  I am definitely loved.

My family and friends are so awesome, which is why I feel guilty for being sad.  I know I have a right to be sad and miss Jeff on my birthday but I also need to remember to not focus on the negative and focus on the positive and remember all the love I do have in my life, even though the love of my life is gone.

So I've already cried today.  I'm about to leave for a dinner party and I'm hoping that will distract and cheer me up.  I will try very hard to have a good day tomorrow and be happy the rest of the week. 

But since it's my birthday, I feel like I have the right to cry if I want to and then do everything I can to remember that I have one big thing to cry about, but so many other things to smile and laugh about.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Great Words of Advice

I came across a note in my phone from months ago that had some great words of advice from an article I must have read somewhere.  In my widow brain, I didn't get the citation information so I apologize for not giving credit where credit is due but these words of advice must have been helpful to me right after Jeff died and they are still helpful to me now:

"Stay in the present moment.  Don't look too far ahead, you are just predicting what you cannot know.  Don't give the voices (both fears and dreams) in your head too much credit, they are ghosts of past relationships and patterns that might need to be discarded."

My birthday is coming up in a week.  I'll be a 35 year old widow.  I had 24 birthdays before Jeff and I had 10 birthdays with him.  I never thought that I would spend a birthday without him but cancer really ruined that.  So this will be my first birthday without him, with many more birthdays without him to come. 

I'm going to try and remember this quote to get me through, not only this birthday, but the many more that will follow.

I hate cancer for making me a widow.


There is only one way forward for either of us. Stay in the present moment. Don’t look too far ahead, you are just predicting what you cannot know. Don’t give the voices (both fears and dreams) in your head too much credit, they are ghosts of past relationships, and patterns that might need to be discarded. - See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/dating-divorce-whats-worst-happen-gmp/#sthash.GXWIcn5O.dpufSt

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Weddings and Funerals

Jeff and I were together for ten years but he died just two and a half years after we were married. 

We didn't do a whole funeral thing, mainly because Jeff would have hated that, I was against having a viewing and because he was cremated his remains would not have been ready in time to do the interment.  We decided to do a celebration of life in my parents backyard.

But I distinctly remember the feeling I had before the celebration of life officially started.  People started arriving and I had a panic attack and had to go sit in the back bedroom and hide.  When the speaking finally started I was walked to my seat. 

I found it so familiar to our wedding.

Neither Jeff nor I wanted a big wedding, we just weren't those kind of people but it was so important to our families so we had a compromise, we had a small, destination wedding that his mom planned.  I literally had no hand in practically the entire wedding planning.  The only thing I chose was my wedding dress.  Everything else was chosen and paid for by Jeff's parents and my parents.  But I still had him to rely on and to commiserate with because even though we weren't really planning the wedding, we knew there were certain things we didn't want to do, so we fought to keep it as simple as possible. 

For his celebration of life, his parents and I planned it together.  For the most part we were all on the same page but there were a few things that I fought for.  Of course I wanted it to be simple because that's what Jeff would have wanted.  We told all the men to either wear a sports team jersey, especially a Charger's jersey or his softball team's jersey.

But this time, I didn't have him to commiserate with, I didn't have him to be nervous with.  The feeling before the wedding was worth it because we would be together after.  The feeling before his celebration of life was terrible because at the end, I still wouldn't have him after.  Waiting for his celebration of life to start was so similar, yet I knew it was so different than our wedding just two years before, specifically waiting in a room while everybody was waiting for me to walk down an aisle. 

But walking down the aisle for our wedding, I didn't worry about everybody looking at me because he was waiting at the end for me.  I knew that he was just as nervous as I was with all of the attention on us. 

Walking down the aisle to take my seat at his celebration of life, he wasn't there waiting for me at the end.  We wouldn't walk back up the aisle hand in hand, knowing it was all over and the pressure was off and we had each other to lean on.

It's devastating remembering like it was just yesterday how happy we were on our wedding day when it was finally all over, all of the nervousness and annoying things we had to do just to be married ended up being worth it in the end, because we had each other. 

Yet when the celebration of life was all over, I didn't have him.  I was all alone, so all the stress, nervousness and annoying things I had to do to celebrate his time here on Earth was just over, with no happy ending.  No Jeff at the end to commiserate with, to lean on, to love.

Weddings and funerals, I never thought I would think they had anything in common until cancer took my husband.  Another reason why I hate cancer for making me a widow.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Eight Months

Today marks eight months since Jeff has been gone.

It is also the month when all the fantasy football drafts are taking place.  Jeff was a huge fantasy football guy. I think he was in 5 or 6 leagues.  He was the commissioner for one and a co-commissioner for two on top of playing in 2 or 3 other leagues.  I have no idea how he kept them all straight.

His dad and brother have taken his spot in most of the leagues but the one he commissioned doesn't exist anymore.

Fantasy football took up so much of Jeff's time.  I never thought I would miss him playing but I do. 

I miss him sitting down with a fantasy football magazine taking copious notes on all of the players for his many drafts.  I miss watching him check his score over and over again on his phone, the computer, or the iPad and sometimes even all three!  I miss watching him get excited during the games when one of his players scored points that he really needed to win.  I really miss watching him be torn between rooting for our hometown team and rooting for a wide receiver, quarterback, running back, or even the kicker for the other team because he needed the points to win.  I miss everything about him and fantasy football because I know how much he loved it.

Last year we were in a family league together.  It was the only time I have ever been in a fantasy football league and I actually beat him in our match up even when he refused to help me.  I know he didn't enjoy losing but deep down I know he was proud of me and he enjoyed seeing me get excited about something he loved so much.

I made it to the finals against his brother but ended up losing.  He was still proud of me.  He said he thought I had improved a lot and was impressed with how I dropped and picked up players without his help.  He said I made some great moves. 

The family league is playing again, this year with one less family member, and I don't know how I feel about that.  I'm playing something that I used to find annoying but because of him, I kind of like now.  I hope he'll be proud of my moves again this year.

Jeff was so loud, especially during football season, and at times that used to drive me nuts.  The house will be very quiet this football season.  I already miss his noise and it's only pre-season.

Eight months without him, a lifetime to go.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

New Job

I blogged earlier about how stressful it was to start this new school year without Jeff.  So stressful that I needed to get away to Palm Springs for a weekend.

I got my first teaching job just a few months after Jeff and I started dating and he was the one who helped me move into my classroom and was with me when I developed all of my curriculum, worked my butt off to be the best teacher to my students, and met and developed working and professional relationships with my colleagues.  I have made some of my best friends at this school but I have also had some pretty large disagreements with some other people.  Jeff was always there to listen and give advice.  It has just been so hard without him.

Now I know that everyone and everything says not to make any big changes if you can help it the first year or so after a loss, such as moving, changing or quitting jobs, etc.  But I've been thinking about this change for years.  About a year before Jeff and I got married, then about a year after we were married and it came up again when he got sick.  When I think about the reasons for staying at my current school, there are very few and the few reasons I listed were colleagues that I will miss.  But I know I will still keep in touch with them so when it really comes down to reasons for staying, there are none.  There are so many reasons to leave that far outweigh the reasons to stay.

I've been wanting to drop down to a middle school for a long time.  Middle school teachers have the same pay, but less stress and pressure than high school teachers.  I have been teaching a college level English class at the high school for the past eight years and there has always been so much pressure for the students to pass the test at the end of the year in order for them to get college credit.  The amount of extra work has always been enormous.  There is no extra monetary payment for taking on this responsibility, but I did take great joy in their learning and the high level of discussions we engaged in and for a while that was payment enough.  But after a while, all the grading and stress begins to outweigh the joy and it's just not worth it anymore. 

I want to love my job, not just like it.  I don't love my job anymore and haven't for a few years.

I also want to have a life outside of my job and I felt I did with Jeff in my life, but now that he's gone, my job takes up too much of my time and I am too tired and too busy to have much of a social life.

Last week a position at a coveted middle school less than 5 miles from my house became available and I jumped on it, even though we are 5 weeks into the new semester.  I interviewed against 3 other highly qualified English teachers and ended up getting the position. 

I found out Friday that my first day will be the following Monday, so this weekend I am moving out of the classroom I've been in for 10 years and into a brand new classroom while creating all new curriculum.  I'm excited and overwhelmed at the same time.  I think this is what I needed to fall in love with teaching again.

I know that this is the best decision for me.  It was not spur of the moment, it was something I have wanted for years but was just never available until recently.  I feel like Jeff would tell me to jump on the chance if he was still here.  There has been no anxiety about whether or not I am making the right decision.  I know this is the right decision for me. 

I am looking forward to the new challenge and fresh start and am hoping that this will help me move forward in this "new normal" that I am creating for myself.

Monday, August 18, 2014

I Know the Feeling

I really truly love my bereavement group.  We meet on the first and third Wednesday of every month from 1:00-2:30 P.M.  Since I am still working, I was only attending once a month for the first four months and the fifth month I couldn't make it, because I just couldn't take the time off of work.  That month turned out to be my hardest month so far.  I then recommitted and have since made it a point to go twice a month. 

I felt a profound sense of missing my group when I couldn't make it and they missed me too, which of course felt wonderful to know that I added something to the group.  Our group is mainly made up of about 6 or so "regulars" who have all been attending for quite some time, some even for three or more years.  I am the newest and youngest "regular."  We all have each other's phone numbers.  It is true friendship and support.

My last bereavement group meeting, someone new came.  We all knew he was new of course but we could also tell that the loss was new.  He had that shell shocked, intense look and had a hard time keeping it all in.  I couldn't wait for him to speak.  When he did start telling his story, my heart went out to him.  His wife died three weeks ago.  The emotions he was describing brought me right back to where I was when Jeff first died.  I attended my first bereavement group meeting about three weeks after Jeff died. 

I cried so hard with him remembering the intensity of the void and pain and knowing that his journey will continue to be the hardest and most painful thing for a long time.  I had never really cried like that so far in my bereavement group.  But I just had so much empathy for him and my own memories and emotions came flooding back.

I hope he keeps coming to the meetings.  He talked about his profession, he is a retired homicide detective and he said how used to death he was, but he said this is different, this death is personal.  I think he was able to detach himself from death because of his profession, he saw such horrible things.  He said he was around so much death, from infants to the elderly, but nothing prepared him for his wife's death and the emotions that ensued.

The majority of the people are so much older than me, about 30 years or so.  They are all retired.  I think some people don't understand why I keep attending when it doesn't seem I have much in common with these people. But when I missed that month because of work obligations, I really missed it.  I really missed the people, I really missed the support, the understanding, the empathy.  They might be older, they might have had more time with their loved ones, their spouses, but we all feel the same pain and are going through similar emotions.  We all know the feeling.  We help guide each through the stages.  We help each other navigate the bumpy road.  We give each other advice sometimes, but the majority of the time, we are just there to listen and support.  It's a safe place to no longer have to be strong.  It's a safe place to get understanding.  It's just safe and safety brings comfort, which so many of us are lacking now that our loved ones are gone.

I cannot stress enough how important it is to take care of yourself during the grieving process.  Sometimes life and the trivialities of it get in the way, but I try to always come back to what is best for my soul and well being.  Right now, I need to do the work of grieving, whether that is going to my bereavement group, going to therapy, reading widow blogs, reading grief literature, taking a time out and getting away from it all, taking the time to exercise, or any other opportunity I have to take what I need. 

Everybody grieves differently.  But just know that others know the feeling and want to help if help is needed, want to be there to listen if you want to talk, we are different because we don't try and fix anything or give advice or platitudes, because we know that those are usually empty words to the griever, because we know the feeling. 

Monday, August 11, 2014

Palm Springs

I started my teaching career just a few months after I started dating Jeff 10 years ago.  There has been a lot of emotions I wasn't expecting starting this new school year in the same school, in the same classroom, with the same people, and teaching the same curriculum I developed while I was with Jeff.  All of these memories and the excitement of beginning the new year and remembering the excitement of beginning my relationship with him came flooding back and it has been so stressful, exhausting, and painful without him.  It's just another huge reminder that he's gone and never coming back.  I felt like my skin was crawling I was so highly charged and emotional.  I felt sad, irritated, anxious, and very jumpy. 

I expressed these feelings to a friend of mine and she offered to let me stay at her friend's condo in Palm Springs.  I literally jumped at the chance I needed to get away so bad so three of my girlfriends and I decided to make a weekend of it.  It was a short stay, only two nights, but it was just long enough to recharge.  I was able to lay by a pool all day and just relax and read and nap and think. 

I didn't realize how great it was for my soul until I took the time to get away to "trauma island."  Well we can't all take that much time and spend that much money so this time I just took a couple of days to a warm destination that was only a quick 2-3 hour drive away.  Just getting away from the daily grind of work, emails, chores, responsibilities, and especially the feelings I was experiencing starting the new school year, as well as all the other day to day things that can drag us down really can lift the soul and help the healing process.  I know that I cannot escape my problems or feelings forever, but escaping for just a little while to recharge helps tremendously in dealing with those same problems and feelings when I return.  I am able to have a clearer mind and more patience with myself and others.

I cannot stress enough how important it is for widow's to take time for themselves.  I have heard this advice over and over again in my bereavement group, in my grief literature, and in my individual therapy as well as from all kinds of family and friends.  I am so very fortunate to have friends who can get away with me on a moments notice and understand how much I need them and their support.  Girlfriends really are the new husbands.

I'm glad I recognized what I needed and took the opportunity to get away and I'm even more glad that I have friends who support me and help me when I need them the most.  I just need to remember to do it as often as my soul needs, which we all know is the hardest part.  Sometimes, we take care of everyone else besides ourselves, but we have to remember to take care of ourselves first.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Seven Months

It has been seven months today since Jeff died.  Sometimes I feel like it was just yesterday and other times I can't believe that I've made it this far, that I've managed to continue moving and breathing without him.

The last present Jeff got me was a new IPhone.  It was supposed to be a Christmas present but I couldn't wait so he got it for me in early November.  Looking back, I'm glad he did because he went into the hospital about a week before Christmas and he had a moment of panic because he said that he didn't get anything for me for Christmas.  I reminded him about the IPhone and he visibly relaxed.  He died December 29th.

The only problem with having the new phone was that I don't have very many text messages from him.  What's even worse is that I only have one voicemail.  The text messages weren't very happy ones either since we found out and were treating the brain mets around Thanksgiving and he wasn't feeling very well.

Earlier this month I had a moment of panic because I felt like I couldn't quite remember his voice, his persona, his personality.  I felt like I couldn't feel him around anymore and that was the worst feeling.  Since my new IPhone doesn't have very many text messages I found my old IPhone and charged it and was able to look back at our text messages all the way back to 2011.  Reading those text messages between us filled me with a lot of different emotions.  I felt happy, nostalgic, sad, awestruck, and a great amount of love.  Overall though, I felt happy and loved. 

The texts he sent me were so awesome.  Most of them were about everyday things, usually revolving around what we were going to eat for dinner, but they were just so hilarious because he was so hilarious.  He had such a strong personality and reading through all of those text messages took me a couple hours, but for those couple hours, I felt like he was back by my side.  I could feel him around me again.  I could HEAR him in those text messages.  It brought me back to his love, especially the ones from 2011 and most of 2012 before he was diagnosed and when we were so carefree and light, from being newly engaged in 2011 and then the first months of marriage in 2012.  The love between us was palpable.  It was so strong and I could FEEL it reading those text messages.

Some people would avoid those kinds of feelings because it makes them sad.  Everybody deals with grief differently.  I'm going to be honest, I was a little sad, but it brought me back to being so very grateful; grateful that he chose me and loved me, grateful that I got to be the most important person in his life, grateful that I experienced him.  It reminded me of Rihanna's song "Only Girl."  My favorite lyrics are the chorus, "Want you to make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world, like I'm the only one that you'll ever love, like I'm the only one who knows your heart, only girl in the world..."  Jeff made me feel this way.

Even after these seven months without him, I still feel so lucky that his last ten years were spent with me, that I really did make him happy and that he made me happy, that we were so hilarious together, that our love really was so strong.  So many people never allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to allow such love in their lives, to love and be loved. 

Even if I never have a love like that again, I'm still grateful to have had it with him, that he made me feel like I was the only girl in his world.

Monday, July 21, 2014

So Much Judgement

There are two schools of thought regarding widows and dating again.  Either they move on too soon or not soon enough.

Some people judge a widow for not moving on soon enough.  The "it's been [however much time they think is appropriate], you really need to move on" and the "I can't believe you're still so sad after all this time has passed, you really need to get over it and start living again" comments begin.

Then there are those who judge a widow or widower for getting into a relationship "too early."  This is interesting because "too early" for some is not the same for others.  Some people say it varies whether or not the widowed is young or old.  Again, I feel that one person's idea of "young or old" is different from another person's idea. 

I also read that it is tempting for a widowed person to try and "fill the gap of loneliness" by getting involved with another person as soon as possible and this involvement often does not result in more happiness, but in greater sadness.  It supposedly delays the grieving process.  I think that this could also vary.

There are just too many variables when it comes to passing judgment on the widowed.  All I know is my own experience, which is similar yet so different from other's experiences, because of all of the variables. 

I think a widowed person is so completely brave to move on just a couple of months after losing their spouse.  To take that leap of faith and to love so much again and risk the chance that something could happen to take away that great love is just so scary to me.

All I know is that there is a huge void that was left when Jeff died that I would desperately like to fill.  If the right person was to come along and I felt they could attempt to fill even a fraction of the void left by Jeff, I would hope that I would be brave enough and see that as an opportunity to take that chance instead of allowing the judgment of others to prevent me from feeling happy.

Just because a widowed person starts dating does not in any way mean that they no longer think of their dead spouse anymore.  It does not mean they are trying to replace their dead spouse.  It does not mean that they didn't love their dead spouse and continue to love their dead spouse and wish frequently to have one more day with their dead spouse.  All it means is that they are trying to be happy.  And if a person does or doesn't choose to move on, that is their choice, that is what they need to do for themselves.  They are on their own timeline, not anybody else's timeline.

Non-widowed people struggle in their daily lives and are not as harshly judged when they attempt to get into a relationship with someone they think might make them happy.  Why are the widowed judged just because they are widowed?  The widowed have already experienced the world not being fair to them, it's a further injustice to judge them.

Friday, July 11, 2014

Good Moments Should Not Include Guilt

Every human being has good days and bad days.  New widows tend to have more good or bad moments rather than whole days.  There are moments where I catch myself truly smiling and singing along to the radio in the car, perfectly content.  I relish those moments. But then there's the guilt that follows.

Some widows I've talked with discussed the guilt that is associated with having a good moment and being truly happy.  I'm trying very hard not to feel guilty when I am having a good moment.  Jeff would not want me to feel guilty.  Jeff would not want me to feel sad.  Jeff would want me to be happy.  I know all of these as facts but sometimes the guilt and emotion of him not being here anymore outweighs the logic. When the guilty feeling starts to overtake the good moment, I try to remember that my husband truly loved me and only wanted me to be happy.  He especially never wanted me to be in any pain that was caused by him.  It would make him feel terrible.

When I'm having a good moment, I'm trying to remember that good moments should not include guilt.

Sunday, July 6, 2014

Widows Get Horny Too

Now this might be one of the most embarrassing things to talk about as a widow.  Widows get horny too.  Not all widows but some, more than people might think.  I NEVER thought that I would be a horny widow just a few months into widowhood, but I am and I have made myself feel guilty about it for far too long.

I finally started talking about it with trusted close friends and my therapist and found out it was perfectly normal to be horny.  When you had a regular sex life for ten years and then go months without any kind of affection, these feelings can creep up for some people.

So I decided to do a little experiment.  I wanted to see if I really would do anything about being horny.  I have read about many widows and widowers who started dating very soon after the death of their spouse.  It didn't mean that they didn't love their spouse or wasn't still mourning their spouse, it just meant they had needs that needed to be met, itches that needed to be scratched, and that there was absolutely nothing wrong with that as long as the widow/widower was aware of their behavior and was not trying to cover up or deny their feelings and thus not delaying or halting the grieving process.

So I went out with a group of my single girlfriends for a night out on the town.  We went out for happy hour first, then caught a comedy show and proceeded to bar hop the rest of the night before going back to our hotel room.  I had a great time.  I had such a great time that I paid for that great time for the next day and a half.  I am not in my twenties anymore, I realized that I cannot recover from a night of drinking and dancing like I did in my twenties and for some reason, hangovers really do just hang over you for way too long.

But I did realize something else important after that night of fun, other than the fact that I cannot party like I'm still in my twenties.  What I realized is that I do not want just sex.  I'm not horny for sex.  I'm horny for intimacy.  I danced and had great conversation with one guy in particular, but I just couldn't get past the platonic feeling.  I enjoyed spending time with him but there was no excitement, no rush, no feeling of wanting him to touch me or kiss me and when he did try and kiss me I shied away and then proceeded to show him my wedding ring that is still on my left ring finger as well as Jeff's wedding ring on my necklace, and then also tell him all about Jeff dying.  Talk about a buzz kill for that poor guy.  But he was really sweet and listened and commented appropriately and wished me luck. 

So now I know I don't want just sex, or even kissing or cuddling with just anyone.  My physical body does have needs but I know that my mental and emotional being wants intimacy.  I've found I'm horny for emotional intimacy more than physical intimacy.

I really find it terrible that widow's and widower's get judged so harshly for their behavior after the death of their spouse.  Either they get judged because they "get over it" too quickly and date or remarry or they do not "get over it" quickly enough and stay single and have no interest to mingle.

Please do not judge a widow or widower.  We are trying to navigate our own emotions and lives through this stressful and new situation we have found ourselves in.  All we need is support and someone to listen to us, not someone to fix us or tell us what we should or should not be doing.  We already experience enough guilt, we should not have to experience shame and judgment from others as well.

If someone close to you is a widow and they are or are not horny for physical or emotional intimacy, then please just give them your support and know that they are struggling every day to try and make sense of it all, that they may falter and need even more support, and especially that you make it clear that you are not judging them.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Trauma Island

I just got back from a weeklong stay in the Caribbean.  I was fortunate enough to go with four of my best girlfriends to an island I dubbed Trauma Island. 

I call it Trauma Island because about five years ago, one of my girlfriends broke off her engagement a few weeks before her wedding and the only thing she couldn't get a refund on was her honeymoon.  The bridesmaids talked her into still going and we ended up having a pretty good time.  We joked back then that it was very "Sex in the City" of us.  You know, the movie where Carrie doesn't get married and all the girls go with her on her non-honeymoon. 

Of course, my friend was struggling at the time but we tried our best to cheer her up and if you can't find happiness on a beautiful white sand beach with a beverage in your hand, then things are really bad.  She had her moments but overall she had some time away to start healing.

When Jeff died, people said I should go away on a trip to help me heal.  I couldn't imagine going somewhere new and making new memories and always knowing that these memories and this trip and these souvenirs are all because my husband died.  So I got in my head that I should go to a place I had been before because the memories of that place would be blurred with the previous trip.  I didn't want to go to a place that I had been to with Jeff though.  And then, Trauma Island came to mind.  I broached the idea to my girlfriends and they all thought it was perfect.  We ended up booking the same exact hotel we stayed in before and it just felt right. 

I laid on a beach for six days.  I had my moments, but overall it was just what the doctor ordered.  Just getting away from it all for a while helped me truly relax.  We ended up meeting some locals and one of them had lost his wife to breast cancer five years ago.  After five days of running into them and chatting and them knowing why we were really there, they offered to cook us a real Caribbean meal.  How could we turn that down?  I was able to chat with the widower and he gave me some good advice. 

There is something about meeting a fellow widow/widower and sharing experiences that just makes me feel understood.  There is an unspoken, immediate connection, especially meeting a fellow widow/widower who has lost their spouse to cancer.  Even in one of the most beautiful settings in the world, cancer seems to find a way to ruin lives.  I really hate cancer for making, not only me, but others, widows/widowers.

On the way back home we had a 24 hour layover in New York.  We chose to go to the World Trade Center Memorial and boy did that really put things in perspective for me.  So many people lost on that tragic day.  But sometimes, if you look at something in the right light and angle, you can see the beauty that still exists in such darkness.  It doesn't always have to be all darkness and tragedy.  That memorial is so peaceful and beautiful.

I try to remember in my darkest moments how much I am loved.  I miss the love Jeff gave me and I miss the opportunity to show my love towards him but I try to keep in mind that he still loves me and I still love him, and not only that, but so many other people love me and I love them.  I try to see the peace and beauty through the darkness.

Trauma Island did it's job.  It has helped to heal again.  I love that island for what it's done, but I really hope that we never have to go back, because that just means someone close to me has experienced a life changing trauma that requires an enormous amount of healing.  But it's nice to know that if it's necessary, Trauma Island will always be there to help begin the healing process.

Sunday, June 29, 2014

Six Months

Today marks the sixth month Jeff has been gone.

 The Dance by Garth Brooks.  Need I say more?

Friday, June 13, 2014

Betrayal or Disappointment

I have been reading so many widow's blogs.  I find comfort in them because I know they are going through a similar experience as I am and I like to see how my journey is comparing to their journey.  Not in a competitive kind of way but almost in a mentoring kind of way, especially if they are years out of the initial loss.  I feel like it's a form of therapy.  These widow's are giving me advice and letting me know what to expect down the road and how they handled or should have handled certain bumps in their road.

One thread I find common among us all is we all experience disappointment, usually in the form of betrayal from people we thought were looking out for our best interest, such as friends, family, and/or our in laws.

Most of the bloggers find that right when their spouse died, they had enormous amounts of love and support.  They are grateful and express that gratitude over and over again in their blog.  As time passes, I noticed that the majority of bloggers hint at trouble in their relationships.  This might come within weeks, months or sometimes as long as years after the death of their spouse but it seems to come nonetheless.  Most seem to happen with their in-laws.  The in-laws show so much love and support initially, but then the widow feels betrayed by them somehow.

I myself have expressed my gratitude toward my in-laws and the support they have given me in my blog.  I felt so loved, so protected, so a part of their family.  They lived with me the first two months after Jeff died.  Then Jeff's brother moved from another state to live with me.  I feel as though I would not have survived without them.  But as time passed, I also felt betrayed.  I posted about this last month and how deeply this affected me.  I called it "an obstacle."

After some reflection and discussing this in therapy and my bereavement group,  I wonder if it's because our in-laws are dealing with their own grief and they are no longer as careful with the widow's feelings.  That is the only thing I can think of to explain why my own in laws treated me the way they did a while ago.

I wonder if the other widows and I are just too sensitive.  I know I am on an emotional roller coaster and I know that this is completely normal, but that doesn't make it any easier.  Maybe if I wasn't so emotional, I would respond better to situations, especially those with my in laws.  Through all this pain it's hard to remember that others are in pain as well with their own losses.  I need to remember to be sensitive and empathetic towards them as well.

I wonder if it's a combination of both.  There are always two sides to every conflict. 

I wonder a lot of things about the aftermath of death. 

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Protection or Avoidance?

I remember reading about how the bereaved are expected by some of those close to them to "go back to normal" after a few months and thought in my head that NONE of my close friends and family would ever expect this of me.  I thought they understood that I have been irrevocably changed, that I will never be the same.

Now is about the time where people are not being as careful of my feelings.  They are starting to express their own feelings.  One of the things I'm hearing is that I am isolating, that I am avoiding, and that this is hurting people's feelings.  I am not engaging in the same activities as I did when Jeff was still alive.  I have been told I am "making time" for some people but not for others and this is hurting people's feelings.  I think they want me to "go back to normal."

I already have recognized that I have been avoiding certain TV shows that Jeff and I watched together.  I have been avoiding restaurants that we frequented often.  I don't even really read the same magazines or books I read while Jeff was alive.  They just keep piling up and I keep thinking I will get to them eventually but I know that it's because I had a routine of reading either at night while waiting for him to come upstairs to tuck me in and kiss me goodnight, or I read them while sitting on the couch with him while he was watching TV.  I can't even manage to commit to a book, and I've always been an avid reader.  The only books I've been opening are all grief related and a lot of them I don't finish and I ALWAYS had a compulsion to finish a book, even if I hated it.  I am aware of what my actions have been at home.

Now it has been brought to my attention what I have been doing outside of my home.  I was told that, essentially, I have been avoiding specific places that I frequented with Jeff and that I have been avoiding specific people with whom Jeff and I socialized with outside of my home.  I have also been told that I have been going to places I didn't frequent before with people I wasn't particularly close with before.

It's true that I have been gravitating towards people, places, and activities that I did not engage in with Jeff because they do not bring up memories of Jeff.  These tend to be activities I did and people I saw while Jeff was still alive but he did not participate in with me. Jeff and I were not attached at the hip and allowed each other the freedom to engage in activities that were just our own so I have been able to go on continuing certain activities with certain people and have not engaged in others that Jeff was directly involved in.  When I go places and spend time with people that I usually saw with Jeff, it just reminds me that Jeff is gone.

I know this is hurting people.  I know it, but I just don't care enough right now to do anything about it.  I feel I'm focused on self-preservation.  I have realized that I was unconsciously protecting myself.  I ache at home all the time, I do not want to ache when I go out.  So I'm avoiding.  I was avoiding unconsciously, now I'm conscious of it, and I will still avoid it for now because I feel I need to in order to preserve myself.

Maybe one day, I will go back to those people and places I shared with Jeff, but maybe I will not.  I refuse to make promises I might not be able to keep.

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Five Months


It's been five months today since Jeff died.  I feel like this has been the toughest month so far. 

I came across an article I read online that really resonated with me by Thomas Fiffer titled "When a 'Good' Man Loves a Woman."  Here it is if you want to read it yourself.  It melted my heart.  I had a good man.  I didn't need this article to tell me that Jeff was a good man.  It just reminded me how good he really was and how lucky I really was.

Below are some of my favorite quotes from the article that Jeff epitomized:
  • When a good man loves a woman...he is present...he never ignores her...he shows up in her life again, and again, and again.
  • When a good man loves a woman...he is patient...he answers the same question over and over again.
  • When a good man loves a woman...he is committed...he holds a space in his heart for her that no one else can enter...if she gave him a ring, he wears it.
  • When a good man loves a woman...he is grateful...he is appreciative of her gifts...he wears the clothes she buys him.
  • When a good man loves a woman...he is smitten...he saves her cards and letters...forever (I am still finding cards I gave Jeff throughout our ten years hidden around the house.  You have no idea how wonderful this makes me feel)...he sneaks a sniff of her underwear (you have no idea how embarrassing this is to admit and how sick I thought he was for doing it...but it's true and it blows my mind that it showed up in a published article).
    he sneaks a sniff of her underwear in the laundry.
  • When a good man loves a woman...he is respectful...he treats her friends as his own.
  • When a good man loves a woman...he values her independence...he never tries to control her...he doesn't always need to know where she is.
  • When a good man loves a woman...he is generous...he gives unrelentingly and unresentfully...he doesn't keep a running tab.
  • When a good man loves a woman...he is fearless...he's not afraid to show his love for her...he is not afraid to cry in her arms.
On this fifth month anniversary, man do I miss my good man.
When a good man loves a woman … he is present.
ADVERTISEMENT
… he doesn’t just listen, he hears.
… he never ignores her.
… he stays up with her when she can’t sleep.
… he shows up in her life, again, and again, and again.
- See more at: http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/good-man-loves-woman-fiff/?utm_source=Friday+May+2%2C+2014&utm_campaign=Constant+Contact+May+2+2014&utm_medium=email#sthash.PHDppyow.dpuf

Thursday, May 22, 2014

Truly Alone

I have finally realized I've been in denial.  I didn't think I was in denial but looking back I definitely was.  Maybe I shouldn't call it denial, maybe I should call it shock or delusion.  I guess it doesn't really matter what I label it.  All that matters is, I now understand that whatever it's label is, it allowed me to keep my sanity.  I also know I'm so grateful that I have had the opportunity to go to bereavement groups and have a few sessions of one on one therapy in order to be able to cope now that I'm no longer protected by it, whatever it's label is.

I didn't quite recognize how truly alone I was until something slapped me in the face and I finally saw clearly.  I am alone.  I do not have Jeff to stand by my side, which means I no longer have someone to protect me.  I have to stand by myself.  I have to protect myself.  That is the most painful realization I have had to recognize so far.  I am no longer denying it.  It's as plain as day and I now see it clearly.

I see now how I deluded myself into thinking if I took Jeff's mother, father, and brother and glean from them all of the different aspects of Jeff I saw in them, I could potentially have a semi-whole Jeff.  With all three of them combined, I saw who Jeff was and where he got his personality, his quirks, his sense of humor, his temper, essentially his soul.  I wanted to keep them all in my house, under my roof so I could continue living my life relatively the same way before Jeff died.  I recognized certain aspects of Jeff from his mom, lots more from his dad, and his brother is almost a mirror image in body type and mannerisms.  In my delusion, I was able to have pieces and parts of Jeff "present" these first few months after he died.  I have since finally seen them as individuals and stopped only seeing them as an extension of Jeff.  They are not Jeff and cannot take the place of Jeff in my life and that was a painful realization.

I was so selfish to think that they would always remain by my side and protect me and stand by me the way Jeff did.  It's been long enough for them, they are moving on with their life as best they can after losing a son and brother.  I am not and will never be their number one priority the way I was for Jeff.  Jeff is gone.  They and I remain and no matter what, I am not a true member of their family.  I am no longer delusional about that fact.

I think I truly grieved once this was made so clear to me.  I feel like the grieving I did the first few months was a drop in the bucket compared to the grieving of this realization, the true realization that my life before Jeff died is over.

It is so true that we don't only grieve the person, we grieve our own lives that we shared with the person.  I am in a sense grieving myself, because who I was before Jeff died is also dead.  Someone else is standing in my shoes.  Jeff's wife died with him, the woman who took care of him and was taken care of by him.  I don't know who this person is standing in her shoes and the grief of that is terrible.


Friday, May 16, 2014

I Hate Cancer

One of my best friends' cousin was diagnosed with stage IV Hodgkin's lymphoma a few months after Jeff was diagnosed.  Her original scans showed lumps in her breast as well as the multitude of other tumors that had spread throughout her body, but her doctor's assumed the lumps in her breasts were either cysts or metastasis from lymphoma.  She went through many rounds of chemotherapy and was told that her latest scans showed that she was cancer free.  We celebrated.

But those pesky lumps were still there in her breast.  So being the proactive lady she is, she asked her doctor to have a biopsy, better to be safe than sorry.  It turns out she has breast cancer.  That means she had Hodgkin's lymphoma and breast cancer at the same time.  The only good news is that she caught it early and it's stage 0, meaning that she has been told it is fully contained in the tumor that was removed during the biopsy and the surrounding tissue found no signs of metastasis.  She is told she is still Hodgkin's lymphoma free.

She is now going to be tested for the BRCA gene, since breast cancer runs in her family.  Once those test results come back she will then make a decision to have radiation, chemotherapy, and/or a full mastectomy.

She just finished her chemotherapy for lymphoma and finally started to feel like herself again, her hair is growing and she is getting her energy back and now she's back at the starting line of a new marathon.

She is a strong woman, but she has young children.  I cannot imagine what her strapping fire fighter of a husband is going through.  On the outside he is the epitome of strength and optimism, but I was told I was also the epitome of strength and optimism as well while Jeff was running his marathon.  On the inside, I was an anxious mess pretending to be strong. 

I would love to be able to help them in any way I can, but they are holding strong on their own, just as we were holding "strong" on our own.  I remember people wanting to help us during our ordeal.  I did not call on them as much as they would have liked because I just didn't know how they could help me, just like I don't know how to tell people how to help me now.  I've been on both sides.  Both sides make one feel helpless.  I hate cancer.

Monday, May 12, 2014

The Only Way Out is Through

The only way out is through.  Such a true statement.  Such a damning statement.  It essentially means that I have to go through this maze of pain and suffering in order to get out.  But no one knows how long this maze is and how many times I will get lost and backtrack through the same pain and suffering that I've already experienced.  No one knows how many obstacles I will face.  And my biggest fear is will I never really "get out."  I wish I had Ariadne's thread.

Right when I published my last post about how well I thought I was coping, the maze threw me one gnarly obstacle and I definitely backtracked.  Actually, I think I might have been kicked into a completely different maze!

It scared me because it felt like I was literally dying, that I was broken, that I was irreparably damaged.  I felt my heart breaking and I experienced for the first time the lack of wanting to live.  I just wanted to lay wherever I had fallen.  I kept trying to get up but the strength never lasted long because I would eventually sink down again.  I didn't care about the things that needed to be done, I didn't care about where I was or what I needed or what anyone needed at that moment.  And I couldn't stop crying.  I tried all of the little tricks and distractions that had previously helped pull me back up but nothing worked.  I barely got through work, I went to the cemetery to be with Jeff and cried and cried, but I knew this was different than anything I had experienced before.  I just kept sinking back down.  I have had really hard bouts of crying but they usually never lasted more than an hour.  I could always pull myself back up.  I finally realized I was having a panic attack.  I was lost and I needed something to guide me through it, I couldn't do it on my own.

It took me a whole day of pretty much non-stop crying before I realized that this was different than before.  I called a trusted friend as I was crying on the floor and she talked me back up.  She made me see the obstacle in front of me clearly and not be afraid of it anymore; she helped me navigate through it.

Maybe I need more than just one Ariadne's thread.  Maybe the way through the maze will be multiple threads, which I've realized will come in many different forms, that will help me through all of the different obstacles.  And as I use these threads to overcome more and more obstacles, maybe the obstacles in the maze will start to be less challenging and less painful.  Maybe I will learn to not make the same mistakes so I won't have to backtrack as often, especially through the really tough painful obstacles.  I'm afraid to encounter another obstacle similar to this last one, but I need to remember, that I did survive and made it through this particular obstacle, I didn't give up and that survival instinct is one of the threads I need to always remember to follow.  The only way out is through and I am determined to make it through.