Three Months

March 29th marks the three month anniversary of being a widow.  Sometimes it feels like just yesterday Jeff was sleeping next to me and other times it feels like these last three months have taken ions.

Is it terrible to want to fast forward a couple years?  I just want to fast forward the grieving process.  I want to go to sleep and wake up a few years from now and the intense grieving is over.  I want to be at a place I have read about where people who are two or three years in talk about how the majority of the sharp edges of grief have dulled.  I feel like it could be akin to serving time in jail.

Or instead of sleeping through it, I want to be able to literally fast forward like in a movie, see myself but just in super speed, grieving and living but not really getting the full experience.  But I know that it really doesn't matter how much time passes, it's the process of grieving that allows the people I read about to be in the better place they are in BECAUSE they didn't fast forward.  They lived through that pain in order to be in a better place, they experienced every raw emotion, painful anniversary, event, and moment necessary to be stronger.  They are rebuilding and reinventing their new normal.  I cannot cheat.  But I want to so bad.  I don't want to forget about Jeff, I just want the sharp edges of hurt, pain and angst to be dulled.  I know at some point I will look back and be able to give advice to another who is continuously being stabbed by the sharp edges of grief and tell them one day those edges will be dull, but those sharp edges are still very sharp for me and I continue to bleed.  I'm tired of bleeding.

In one of my books on grieving I read these following quotes:

• Grief will take more time than I think I can bear, but I can and I will.
• I will not always feel as I do now.
• I am doing ok.  Grief will not destroy me.
• I will make it through this experience just as others have before me.

Sometimes these quotes help me and sometimes they don't.  I also know from all of my grief literature, bereavement groups, and counseling that I need to have plans on an anniversary.  Today my family will be celebrating my twin niece's second birthday.  I will go visit Jeff and his new plaque at the cemetery and then try and celebrate my two beautiful and lively nieces.  I take that back, I will not TRY, I WILL celebrate them.

I do not want to fast forward through these years of their lives, so I cannot fast forward through my grief.  Let the bleeding continue and I hope that as I bleed, those edges become more and more dull.

Grandma Died

My grandma recently died.  She was 93 years old.  She had five children, eleven grandchildren and seven great grandchildren.  She held on for four years after becoming bedridden.  She slept nearly 22 hours a day near the end.  Everyone agreed she had a full life. My grandfather died of lung cancer when I was three and she never remarried.

I remember when Jeff died, I kept thinking that I couldn't believe that Grandma survived Jeff.  For the last four years we kept thinking that it was Grandma's last Christmas.   Even after Jeff was diagnosed, I never thought that he would die before her.  I hope Jeff was there to greet her.

I really wish that I had the opportunity to talk about being a widow with my grandma.  The same cancer took her husband.  Her children were grown and having their own children so I can't imagine how lonely she was.  I was only three when he died, but I would love to be able to go back in time and be a fly on the wall and see how she coped and managed.  Her wisdom would be such a comfort.

While I was getting ready for her service I was trying to decide which shoes to wear.  I always had Jeff to ask which shoes I should wear and then it hit me that I didn't have him to ask anymore and I would never have him to ask his advice on anything again. I also realized that a hug from him would have been such a comfort and I realized that I would never get a hug from him to comfort me again and that REALLY made me sad and all of a sudden I was standing on my bedroom balcony crying.  I just miss him so much.  I miss his comfort and I miss his advice and I just plain miss him.  My mother-in-law was coming over to go with me to my Grandma's service. A few days after my grandma's service she told me she saw Jeff on my bedroom balcony from the street while she was coming to get me.  She said she saw him clearly and even described what he was wearing.  She had no idea that I had been on my balcony crying earlier that morning.  I have no doubt he was with me on that balcony as I was crying and missing him so much.

I try to remember that he is still with me spiritually.  I just really wish he was still with me physically.

Anger Has Arrived!

I officially feel anger.  I know in a previous post I said I didn't feel anger, yet.  I'm glad I included the adverb "yet" because that bitch arrived and arrived in high fashion.  I'm angry about a lot of things and then I just feel sad after and feeling sad just makes me angry all over again.  What a vicious cycle.  Some things I'm currently angry about:

• It makes me angry that I'm so alone.  I get happy when I feel I've made a connection with a new person only to remember that they have others in their lives that are their priority.  I was once the number one priority of Jeff's, now I'm nobody's number one priority and to be honest and fair, I don't have a person in my life who is my number one priority so, that also makes me sad and angry. I'm trying to remember that people cannot make me happy, only I can make myself happy.
• I'm angry that this whole journey with grief is taking so long and WILL continue to take even longer, potentially indefinitely and that is a hard thing to accept.  Where is the light at the end of the tunnel??
• I get angry when I still get condolence/sympathy cards in the mail, especially if I might actually be having a good day.  It just reminds me all over again. I know people mean well but, right now, they make me angry.
• I just have an overall feeling of irritation and annoyance.  I hope this passes soon but from all the reading I've done, I know that it will return at some point.  I really hope that it doesn't return at this strength though.  
• Sometimes I feel like my skin is crawling I'm so irritated.  The only thing I've found is to exercise to relieve this.  I think it's called anxiety.  I'm pretty sure it's anxiety.
• I'm angry that my bereavement group only meets on the first and third Wednesday of the month from 12:30-1:30.  I practically have to take off the entire day to be able to go because teachers can't just leave their classrooms for a meeting or an appointment and it's a pain to get a substitute.

• Teenagers are annoying and make me angry.  It's their official job to be annoying and my official job as a high school English teacher is to realize this and not let it get to me.
• What really makes me angry and sad is I'm having a hard time feeling happy for others during their celebratory times.  It just reminds me how I was once that happy and now I'm in the pits of despair.  This is not who I am.  I have always celebrated my friends and I am happy for them.  But sometimes it's just so hard when I am in so much pain.

 I think I need to start getting some one-on-one grief counseling, maybe I just need some meds.

Sorry I Ruined Your Day

Boy do I have a knack for ruining people's day!  Here's how it usually goes with a stranger/minor acquaintance:

Stranger/acquaintance:  What's with the ring on your necklace/memory sticker on your car/so I see that you're married cause you're wearing a ring, so where's your husband/what does your husband do for a living?

Me: My husband is dead.

Stranger/acquaintance: Oh (usually followed by awkward pause) I'm sorry.  Then usually followed by how/when did he die?

Me: December 29, 2013.  He had cancer.

Stranger/acquaintance: (pause to think how much time has passed, then shocking realization of how soon it was) Oh, wow...that was pretty recently.

Me: Yes it was.

The conversation then goes a couple different was from there but usually their day is pretty much ruined. Some comment on how strong I am since I haven't been reduced to a puddle in front of them, others just turn around and walk away with a far off, slightly traumatized look on their face.

Then I usually tell/text one of my real friends and say, "man, I really know how to ruin someone's day."

I really do have a mean streak. I could try to break it to people a little less bluntly but I think in my head, F it! I know this person is trying to be polite and make small talk but my days are ruined constantly.  Why beat around the bush? Shit happens.  You asked me a question, I gave you an answer, why should I feel guilty about a truthful answer.  People say stupid things to widows and make them feel uncomfortable all the time, why can't widows say things that make others uncomfortable back? Why do we have to be the ones to comfort or protect others?

I wonder if I'm in the anger stage of denial?  I can't wait for someone to ask me that question!

Who Ever Gets Over It?

At my bereavement group, I'm by far the youngest person in the room probably by a good twenty years.  Some wonder why I even attend a group that doesn't seem relatable to me but, to be honest with you, I really enjoying hearing their stories and what they have to say.  Grief has no age.  Even though they had more time with their loved one, that doesn't mean that deep down their grief is any different than mine.

But one of the members surprised me today. She made a comment about how the people in group had more time with their loved one but that because I was so much younger that I was more resilient and that I would eventually "get over it" and "move on" and meet someone new.  I was speechless but luckily our leader, Tom, stepped in quickly to remind her that grief affects each person in its own way and to not assume anything about another's grief.

The idea of "getting over" Jeff dying from lung cancer at 38 is absurd to me.  Whether or not I ever "move on" will have nothing to do with "getting over" his death.  His death will always be with me and it has changed me to my very core.  He is the love of my life and if he never died, I would be with him until the day I die.  Those were our vows.

Her husband died of lung cancer as well.  She seemed a little edgy today in group.  She snapped at a few of the other members too.  I wonder if she feels that I'm fortunate that I lost my husband at an early enough age to be able to "move on" because she wishes she was younger and could have another opportunity at love.  I hope she will realize, if she hasn't already, that she can still find love if she is interested.  Or maybe I'm completely wrong and shouldn't assume anything, just like she assumed I could "get over it."  We all know that when someone assumes something, they make an ass out of u and me.

Everyone has their own timeline for grief.  Some process it more quickly and may be ready to "get out there" or "move on" but always remember, that you do not walk in their shoes, you do not experience their constant roller coaster of emotions.  Widows and widowers become adept at hiding their true feelings in public and sometimes even lie to themselves. 

Just a few words of wisdom for anyone out there who encounters another who is grieving a loved one.  Never tell them they will get over it or even worse ask them when they will get over it.  They will never get over it.  It will be with them forever.  Just support them and be patient with them, do not judge them.  They are trying to navigate through one of the most traumatic experiences of their lives.