Saturday, November 29, 2014

11 Months

I can't believe it's been 11 months since my husband died.  I feel like he was just here yesterday but when I look at the two full notebooks I've filled journaling and this blog, I can't believe that I've survived this long without him.

If you haven't picked up on this from my past blogs I tend to be a bit of a planner, others may call it controlling.  I'm gearing up for holiday season and the one year mark.  So far I've survived Thanksgiving.

I'm trying to prepare myself for this next month, which I've heard and read is going to be pretty tough.  I have to get through finals and grades for my students.  Jeff went into the hospital right before finals week and on grade day was when I got the call from the doctors recommending hospice.  I feel like I could have a little bit of post traumatic stress related to all of that.  I'm trying to remember that anxiety is just the fear of being afraid.

So I've scheduled some things I'm hoping will help me get through this next month. I will be going to my bereavement group, I have an appointment with my therapist, I scheduled a facial, and I'm trying something new called emotional release technique.

But I've also been thinking a lot about birth and death.  This may sound crazy, but I feel they are very similar in a couple aspects.

They say that a new parent can never truly be ready for a child.  They can plan and prepare but until that child takes it's first breath, no preparation or planning can prepare that parent enough. It is a turning point, a life changing moment.

I feel the same about the death of my husband. No planning or preparation could have prepared me for his last breath and the aftermath of that moment.  The years that follow are a mystery just like the aftermath of a birth and the first breath of a newborn.

No one can predict, plan, or prepare for what's ahead when it comes to a birth or a death, even when we know they are inevitable.  We just have to get through and do the best we can and hope it's enough.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Around this time last year we found out that Jeff's cancer had spread to his brain. We were about to start whole brain radiation.

I'm trying to focus on the things I am thankful for.  Here is my list of things I am thankful for this year:

  • I found a soul mate that I loved unconditionally and who loved me unconditionally.  It was real and I got to experience it.
  • I have a fantastic job now.  His death helped me take the chance to leave a pretty comfortable position and  reach for a better one.
  • I live in a pretty awesome neighborhood and a pretty awesome house that I can afford.
  • I have unbelievably supportive friends and immediate family.
  • My dog is awesome, even if she is a hot mess.
I plan on eating myself senseless and spending time with those I love today.  I miss my husband but I have a lot of things to be thankful for. 

Thursday, November 20, 2014

Widowhood Is Different Than a Breakup

Dealing with the death of my husband is so different than a break up.  The void that I feel after my husband died is so extreme that I just feel lost, I feel like I am just blowing every which way in the wind.

I have had one major break up in my life and I remember the pain of that break up but this is different.  With the break up, I focused on my ex, on what he was doing in everyday life.  I could picture him going about his daily activities, wondering what he was eating, how work was going, what he was doing, the potential of him calling, of running into him, and of course, even the fantasies that one day we might get back together.

With the break up I was also hurt and a little angry with some guilt mixed in because there is always at least a little of that in a break up, which is why people break up.  Something didn't work in the relationship.  There were problems.

But because Jeff is just gone, there is nothing to focus on.  He is not of this Earth anymore.  I cannot picture him going about daily activities.  There is no chance that he will call, or I will run into him, or any fantasy of us being together again like we were before.  I am not hurt or angry about anything he did to me.  I don't feel guilty.  Because he had cancer and we knew he was going to die sooner than we wanted, we were able to say everything we needed to say.  I knew how much he loved me and I was able to tell him how much I loved him.

So this is not like a break up for me.  With a break up, I had something to focus on.  With the death of the love of my life there is literally nothing to focus on.  There is just nothing there.  I'm lost.  I feel like my soul is searching for something to cling to, to connect with.  Our relationship didn't end because we weren't right for each other, because we hurt each other, or because we didn't want to be together.  Our relationship ended because he died.

I went from having a perfectly functional relationship, that wasn't perfect by any means, but it was awesome, it was fulfilling, it was a fantastically equal partnership, to just nothing.  It is just gone.  He is gone.

Sometimes I feel like a divorce or break up can be harder then a death.  I know Jeff would never choose to leave me and I usually get nothing but sympathy.  With a divorce or break up, it doesn't really matter who does the leaving, there is usually regret and hurt, especially when the other person has moved on or is happy and you're not.

Most of the time with a break up or a divorce there is no sympathy.  People might say stupid stuff to widows but at least there is sympathy.  People definitely say stupid stuff to divorcees and there usually isn't any sympathy.

But at least with a break up I had something to focus on.  I had the hurt or anger or guilt to focus on.  There is a glimmer of hope in the background that someday, we could get back together.

With his death, I just can't wrap my head around it.  I try and focus on looking for signs that he is still around, that he still loves me, that we will be together one day in a different way.  But it's just not the same.  The void I feel is massive.  I don't have any hurt or anger or guilt to fill it. 

Some of you have hurt, anger, and guilt and probably think I have nothing to complain about.  Maybe I should focus on that.



Friday, November 14, 2014

The Long Island Medium

This past weekend I was able to go see the Long Island Medium, Theresa Caputo for the second time.

The first time was about 6 months after Jeff died.  I went to see her in Palm Springs and was in the very last row in the venue.  There was no way I was going to even get a chance of being "read" but I went for the experience of it and I felt great after even though I didn't get read.

This second time I was able to get front row seats, but I still did not get read although half of my row and the people directly behind me all got read.

Now I know this whole idea of a person who talks to dead people is very controversial.  Trust me, when I started telling people that I bought tickets to go see her again I got comments all over the spectrum from people who wholeheartedly believed to people who felt like she is a scam artist and that she is taking advantage of people's grief and stealing their money.

I'm not trying to talk anybody into believing or not believing, that's not what this post is about.  Whether you believe or not, and whether I believe or not, is really not important. 

But what I do feel is important is her overall message.  I felt her message was very motivational. 

If you get anything from the show it's her message that our loved one's want us to be happy and they are in a better place.  Their soul continues to grow and change just like we continue to grow and change here in the physical world and that it is up to us how we decide to go on with our lives.

She also says that the messages our loved ones want us to hear are ones that we need to hear not want to hear.  Some of her statements are repetitive.  If you've seen the show, you know that a lot of the things she says tend to be similar types of messages.  But I still think there is something to her, which is her overall message that our loved ones want us to be happy.

I feel whether a person believes or not, her message is extremely motivational.  I feel she is a great motivational speaker and people who have lost their loved ones need some motivation.  They need the ability to move on with their lives.  Why would anyone we love, who loves us, want us to be unhappy?  Those who have left us still live on, just in a different way.  How can that not bring us happiness?

So even if people think she can't talk to dead people, her message is clear: go on with your life and be happy because that is what our loved ones would want. 

I thoroughly enjoyed her show both times.  Even though I didn't hear from Jeff, I feel like he is around, I see signs from him in my everyday life, I know he wants me to be happy.

Why would a skeptic want to ruin that?

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Loss and Rebirth

I read an interesting article by Jordan Gray called Shame: Learning to Love After a Devastating Breakup that had a particular quote that stood out for me:

"The loss of the people you love is inevitable. At some point in your life, every relationship you have is going to end. But that’s the beautiful thing about human interaction and emotional intimacy. You can either resent the temporary nature of the world, or you can embrace the full spectrum of the emotions that you are fortunate enough to be able to feel and cherish everyone in your life as they are today."

Another article I read by Jill Gross called How Painful Relationships Can Be The Best Teachers also had a quote that particularly stood out for me:

"So, if you are in the shadowy aftermath of loss and it feels as if you are dying, perhaps you are really in the process of being reborn. It is your own inner wisdom that has led you to where you are, so trust it."

I would never say my relationship with Jeff was painful but my relationship with his family has been especially painful these last few months.

I know the articles deal with break ups and not death but they still relate to the widowed.  Whether you "lose" a person through a break up or through death, the fact is still the same, you lost someone you love.  Unfortunately, for most of us, the losing doesn't stop with just one person.  I am now experiencing the loss of his whole family, who before, were my number one supporters.

A loss is a loss, whether the person is gone from the Earth or just gone from your life, they are still gone.  I am experiencing  the grief of multiple losses, not only my husband, but his family as well.

So in the aftermath of a loss, no matter what that loss entails, I know I feel like I am dying.  I guess the pain that I am experiencing in trying to create a new normal is similar to a rebirth.

So hang in there everyone who has experienced a loss.  Remember that you can embrace the temporary nature of the world because it proves that you are fortunate enough to be able to feel and cherish those you love, whether they are in your life today or not.

The pain you are experiencing is hopefully you being reborn, at least, that is what I keep telling myself.

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Really?

We all know that there is stress and tension after a loved one dies.  We all know that every person grieves differently.  We all know that those close to the person who died suffer terribly.  But I don't understand why we have to add more suffering to each other's lives.

We have a family tradition on Halloween.  Every year for the past 6 years, we have always gone to my sister's house for Halloween.  My sister's husband makes his famous chili verde and we all sit around and help pass out candy, laugh and exclaim over all of the costumes, and just spend time together.

Now that my sister has two-and-a-half year old twin girls, it's gotten even more fun.  Jeff's parents have since participated in this tradition and they had an awesome time last year after they moved from Texas to be with Jeff after he was diagnosed. 

Since Jeff's mom watches my sister's twins three days a week, our families got even closer.  They came to my sister's house for Thanksgiving and my parent's house for Christmas Eve, and we have had lots of family BBQ's.

But things have changed dramatically these last few months.

This year, my sister invited Jeff's parents over for Halloween for the usual chili verde and passing out candy and of course to see my adorable nieces in their costumes.  Jeff's mom's response to her was that they would not come because they did not want to be around me, they were just too uncomfortable around me because of the whole "Roommate Situation."

Really?  How am I supposed to feel about that?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised.  They haven't spoken to me since the whole "roommate situation" went down. 

I just don't understand how they can feel the way they feel.  I took care of their first born son, literally until his last breath. 

I took in their other son and helped him for 7 months and because I recognized that it was not healthy for me and told him he had 5 more months to live with me and HE chose to go back to Texas immediately, I have become public enemy #1?

Really?

I know I need to be sympathetic to my in-laws who are grieving and suffering terribly.  I know that they may have a different perspective and outlook.  I know there are always multiple sides to every story.  But I just do not know how to not be hurt by their actions and words.