No 29th in February, but I'm still counting.
I'm definitively noticing this anniversary. Jeff was with me for fourteen months after diagnosis. He's been gone now for fourteen months.
The similarities and differences between those fourteen months after diagnosis and these last fourteen months after he died...confound me.
I'm struggling and bothered.
I really hate cancer for making me a widow.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Thursday, February 19, 2015
Is This Widow Dating?
Yes this is still a question.
My Apple Guy came into town and we had a fantastic time. I actually ended up spending a lot more time with him than I thought I would. We kept finding more things to do and stuff to see while he was in town. I actually got to do a bunch of touristy things in my city and see things I've never even seen before, which was awesome. I forget that I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the country and he helped me see that again. I really enjoyed his company and I feel like he enjoyed my company.
Of course he went back home and since then we have still had constant communication, mainly through texting but the style of communication has changed and I'm not quite sure of what to make of it. On top of that, there has not been any mention of wanting to meet up again.
I don't know if we are actually dating long distance or if we are now in the "friend zone" as I've been told happens.
So again, I'm not sure if I'm "dating" or not yet. I guess I shouldn't worry about putting a label on it and need to just enjoy the ride?
My Apple Guy came into town and we had a fantastic time. I actually ended up spending a lot more time with him than I thought I would. We kept finding more things to do and stuff to see while he was in town. I actually got to do a bunch of touristy things in my city and see things I've never even seen before, which was awesome. I forget that I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the country and he helped me see that again. I really enjoyed his company and I feel like he enjoyed my company.
Of course he went back home and since then we have still had constant communication, mainly through texting but the style of communication has changed and I'm not quite sure of what to make of it. On top of that, there has not been any mention of wanting to meet up again.
I don't know if we are actually dating long distance or if we are now in the "friend zone" as I've been told happens.
So again, I'm not sure if I'm "dating" or not yet. I guess I shouldn't worry about putting a label on it and need to just enjoy the ride?
Monday, February 16, 2015
So Hard Still
I just got back from the memorial service for my co-worker from my old school. I mentioned her in a previous post.
I feel like I've been to more funerals and memorial services in the past two years than I've ever been to in my entire life.
They are still so hard to go to. I'm not saying that anybody enjoys going to these kinds of things but each one brings back such strong feelings and memories. The grief is just so strong and it just kind of puts me in a funk for a little while.
I'm just trying to think about how Jeff and Anitra are somewhere kicking back and having a beer together. They are pain free, carefree, and enjoying themselves and high diving each other over a life well lived.
That way of thinking helps, but we can't help but be selfish and wish our loved ones were still with us, which is what makes these kinds of things so hard still.
I feel like I've been to more funerals and memorial services in the past two years than I've ever been to in my entire life.
They are still so hard to go to. I'm not saying that anybody enjoys going to these kinds of things but each one brings back such strong feelings and memories. The grief is just so strong and it just kind of puts me in a funk for a little while.
I'm just trying to think about how Jeff and Anitra are somewhere kicking back and having a beer together. They are pain free, carefree, and enjoying themselves and high diving each other over a life well lived.
That way of thinking helps, but we can't help but be selfish and wish our loved ones were still with us, which is what makes these kinds of things so hard still.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Am I Dating?
Am I dating? Yes, that is a question.
Remember when I said I was looking for a pen pal or what I called a "distraction" in a previous blog? It's interesting how quickly things change.
One particular "distraction" is flying 500 miles just to meet me this weekend. Talk about pressure!
This started innocently enough with emails, progressed to phone calls and one marathon 3 hour FaceTime "date" where we ate dinner together, and since then, constant communication through texting or talking on the phone. We essentially have been communicating everyday for the past 2 weeks.
I don't know how it happened. Some friends say I was so charming and fantastic that he just has to meet me. Some say that he sounds desperate. All say to be careful. I am listening to all advice.
He works for Apple and travels a lot for work. He said he had a free flight and hotel so he might as well use it to come and meet me this weekend.
We are meeting in a public place. He will not know where I live. I am nervous but I can't help but be excited at the same time.
So does this mean I'm dating?
I guess I'll find out after I meet him.
Remember when I said I was looking for a pen pal or what I called a "distraction" in a previous blog? It's interesting how quickly things change.
One particular "distraction" is flying 500 miles just to meet me this weekend. Talk about pressure!
This started innocently enough with emails, progressed to phone calls and one marathon 3 hour FaceTime "date" where we ate dinner together, and since then, constant communication through texting or talking on the phone. We essentially have been communicating everyday for the past 2 weeks.
I don't know how it happened. Some friends say I was so charming and fantastic that he just has to meet me. Some say that he sounds desperate. All say to be careful. I am listening to all advice.
He works for Apple and travels a lot for work. He said he had a free flight and hotel so he might as well use it to come and meet me this weekend.
We are meeting in a public place. He will not know where I live. I am nervous but I can't help but be excited at the same time.
So does this mean I'm dating?
I guess I'll find out after I meet him.
Thursday, February 5, 2015
The New Roommate Situation
My new roommate just moved in. I've learned from past mistakes.
We actually have set a time limit. We already know we get along.
My new roommate is a cousin of mine. He let me move in with him and his 1 year old son 11 years ago. We lived together for 3 years before I moved in with Jeff.
I'm excited to get to know him and his son again. We kind of drifted apart after I moved out, both busy with our own lives and only seeing each other a couple times a year.
I can't believe his son is in middle school now. I can't believe all that has happened in both of our lives since I last lived with him.
It was nice living on my own, but it will be nice to have some company again.
We actually have set a time limit. We already know we get along.
My new roommate is a cousin of mine. He let me move in with him and his 1 year old son 11 years ago. We lived together for 3 years before I moved in with Jeff.
I'm excited to get to know him and his son again. We kind of drifted apart after I moved out, both busy with our own lives and only seeing each other a couple times a year.
I can't believe his son is in middle school now. I can't believe all that has happened in both of our lives since I last lived with him.
It was nice living on my own, but it will be nice to have some company again.
Monday, February 2, 2015
Widows and New Relationships
I've read some widow's blogs where they talk about how happy they are in their new relationships. Some are even brave enough to admit that they are happier now than they were before their spouse died.
Some people find that so shocking and even disrespectful. But maybe some widows who get in other relationships talk about how happy they are now, potentially even happier before their spouse died, because now they know how to truly appreciate their partner. Maybe the experience of losing someone so close to them and looking back on regrets or good times that they didn't appreciate or recognize makes them so much more hyper aware of the good times and good people they have in their lives now. Nothing is taken for granted. They live in the moment of happiness and know that they've lived through utter despair and agony and anger and angst to recognize that the small things really are small things since they now know what really is bad and what some people think is bad is just annoying.
Maybe they also have learned how to be better partners. I know looking back at my relationship with Jeff that I was too hard on him at times, that I nagged him about stuff that really wasn't important, that I didn't really appreciate how well he treated me, and that I took his love and him for granted. He was so full of love and life and hilarity. I don't have many regrets, but the one thing I do regret is not being a better partner to him.
I think about what kind of partner I would be if I found someone else to be in a relationship with and how I would do things differently. I would hope to respond to situations differently. I would try to not act like such a spoiled brat, I would appreciate the good man that he is and not take him for granted, I would be more patient, I would not demand everything be my way, I would listen more, I would be more lighthearted and take a joke once in a while. I hope that I would just be a better partner overall.
It makes me sad that I wasn't as good of a partner to Jeff as I could have been. But I try and remember that hindsight is always 20/20. All I can do is move forward and try and learn and grow from my experiences and not live in regret.
I am thankful that I had the opportunity after he was diagnosed to recognize how great he really was and for us to appreciate each other before he was gone. I hope that if and when I do get into another relationship that I try and remember the lessons I learned from being with Jeff and also the lessons I've learned after losing Jeff.
Some people find that so shocking and even disrespectful. But maybe some widows who get in other relationships talk about how happy they are now, potentially even happier before their spouse died, because now they know how to truly appreciate their partner. Maybe the experience of losing someone so close to them and looking back on regrets or good times that they didn't appreciate or recognize makes them so much more hyper aware of the good times and good people they have in their lives now. Nothing is taken for granted. They live in the moment of happiness and know that they've lived through utter despair and agony and anger and angst to recognize that the small things really are small things since they now know what really is bad and what some people think is bad is just annoying.
Maybe they also have learned how to be better partners. I know looking back at my relationship with Jeff that I was too hard on him at times, that I nagged him about stuff that really wasn't important, that I didn't really appreciate how well he treated me, and that I took his love and him for granted. He was so full of love and life and hilarity. I don't have many regrets, but the one thing I do regret is not being a better partner to him.
I think about what kind of partner I would be if I found someone else to be in a relationship with and how I would do things differently. I would hope to respond to situations differently. I would try to not act like such a spoiled brat, I would appreciate the good man that he is and not take him for granted, I would be more patient, I would not demand everything be my way, I would listen more, I would be more lighthearted and take a joke once in a while. I hope that I would just be a better partner overall.
It makes me sad that I wasn't as good of a partner to Jeff as I could have been. But I try and remember that hindsight is always 20/20. All I can do is move forward and try and learn and grow from my experiences and not live in regret.
I am thankful that I had the opportunity after he was diagnosed to recognize how great he really was and for us to appreciate each other before he was gone. I hope that if and when I do get into another relationship that I try and remember the lessons I learned from being with Jeff and also the lessons I've learned after losing Jeff.
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