Sunday, March 29, 2015

Fifteen Months

I guess I'm still counting.  I'm keeping this one short and sweet.

I heard the song by Garth Brooks called "If Tomorrow Never Comes."  I think about all of the simple things Jeff did to make sure I knew how much he loved me.

I'm still so grateful.

Friday, March 20, 2015

Stupid Guilt Monster

I had another attack from my guilt monster.

I am leaving tonight for a long weekend with the Apple Guy.  He has planned a very fun trip for us.  We will be hiking in Big Sur and then driving down the coast and staying in really cute boutique hotels.  I was very, very excited about it...until my guilt monster attacked me.

I woke up to a massive panic attack this morning.  At first I thought I was nauseous because I ate something bad last night but I soon realized the familiar symptoms of a panic attack.  I couldn't quite put my finger on why I was having this panic attack but I soon realized it was because I feel guilty for moving forward.  My guilt monster caused this panic attack.  I was trying to get ready for work but once I realized what was causing the panic attack, I started crying in my kitchen and just couldn't seem to stop.  

I have been having quite a bit of fun dating and enjoying the attention.  I have discovered that I quite enjoy first dates...it's the potential of a second and third date that makes me nervous.

But my guilt monster reared it's ugly head and reminded me that I shouldn't be having this much fun, I shouldn't be attracted to other men, I shouldn't be going on this long romantic weekend with the Apple Guy.  It kept telling me that I should be at home alone because Jeff is gone and he deserves to have me mourn him for the rest of my life.

I immediately thought that Jeff was mad at me for dating, for having so much fun, and for being attracted to other men, especially because Apple Guy will no longer be just a first date anymore after this long weekend, we are definitely moving into second, third, and forth dates all in one weekend.

Should I even be going on this trip?  My guilt monster tells me that I should not.

But I cannot let the monster win.

I really hope that Jeff would be happy for me and would never want me to be depressed, unhappy, and alone.  This guilt monster is a hard monster to fight, but I am trying valiantly.  It is a sneaky monster but I am starting to figure out it's tricks.  I just wish it would leave me alone.

Friday, March 13, 2015

This Widow's Issues With the Dating Game

This whole dating thing is rough.  I haven't dated for over 11 years.  A lot of things have changed in the dating game.  I am definitely struggling with technology and dating as well as Attention Deficit Disorder and dating.

Let's talk about technology first:

I tried online dating back in my early 20's.  This is not new to me.  I remember comparing online dating to shopping in a discounted retail store like Ross or Marshalls.  You have to sort through all kinds of crap to find the one gem at a fantastic discounted price.  It could take you hours looking through racks and racks, shelf after shelf and you might still not find something worth while.  That has not changed with online dating.

I feel like this whole texting thing has changed the game though.  When Jeff and I first started dating, texting was around but nobody had a touch screen so texting was a pain and it wasn't as important.  Now, people would rather have a whole conversation through texting instead of on the phone, which sometimes leads to problems when people are misinterpreting tone and jokes.

I'm not on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter or any of those other social media outlets.  My friends are constantly checking all of those media and stressing, obsessing, panicking, and over-analyzing what they are seeing online.  No thank you. But I have been asked why I'm not on any of those online sites, almost like I'm hiding something.

And what is this about "googling" a potential date?  Why do I need to do research on the person before I meet them?  Isn't that what the date is for?

Another thing that I just don't get is my friends keep warning me about the infamous "dick pic."  What is that?!  I don't understand why a man would want to send a picture of his genitalia in all kinds of "scenarios" to turn a woman on.  I'm wondering what I need to do to avoid getting one.

Now on to ADD and dating:

Since I am mainly attempting to date online, I've noticed that the first contact via email, which then progresses to texting and phone calls, starts out in a frenzy.  Lots of communication in the first few days but I've noticed that the excitement then tends to fade, similar to how a shiny, new toy begins to fade and something else then catches your attention.

One thing I do enjoy though, I highly enjoy the attention.  There is a rush you feel when you have a new email in your inbox or your phone goes off and you look to check if it's the newest, shiniest "toy" thinking about you, wanting to know how your day is going, or just to tell you some wonderful witty remark.

What I do not enjoy is when I am no longer the shiny new toy and they find a replacement.  I guess I also need to admit that I also find a distracting, shinier, newer toy as well. So the ADD goes both ways.

I also noticed that there is never an "official" discussion about not being interested anymore.  My friends and I call it the "slow fade out."  The person just goes "radio silent" and are never heard from again, until a few days, weeks, or even months later when they sometimes pop back up to just say "how are you?"  Am I now shiny and new again?

Another thing I never thought I would have to worry about when I got married was the intentions of someone I was romantically interested in.  Now, as I'm navigating the dating game, I question some of these men's intentions.  Are they seriously interested in getting to know me or do they just want to get into my pants and then move on to the next conquest?

I've only been "dating" for a few months now, but I'm not quite sure if I'm cut out for it.  The shiny, newness of it all is starting to fade.  But I guess I have to admit that it's all still sparkling enough for me to have not found a new distraction.

Monday, March 2, 2015

This Widow's Guilt Monster Revealed

Guilt...the word in itself is a terrible, awful monster.  It rises up when you least expect it and it doesn't care where you are, what time it is, or the occasion. When it wants to terrorize you, it doesn't hold back.

I've felt like I've moved a couple of paces forward only to have that monster drag me back.  I've been trying to fight it off the last couple of days but knew I needed an outlet. So, like the masochist I am, I watched "The Fault in our Stars."

I read the book on Trauma Island.  I remember reading it and thinking how right on John Green was with his writing.  He really did his research and knew truly how a person feels being in a relationship with someone who has terminal cancer and the aftermath of their death.

Right after Jeff died, it was unbearable and each day after was worse.  This fear, that the pain I felt then wasn't even the worst of it, was the most frightening thing.  The fear of the potential that you are going to just continue to drown is paralyzing.  But these last few weeks I'm having more good days, I was starting to feel like I would no longer have a worse day than before, that tomorrow might actually be better than the day before.

In the movie, Hazel tells her mom that her biggest fear is that after she dies, her mom will no longer be living, that she will just sit and stare at walls, that she will essentially have no purpose. This is my guilt monster. I feel guilty for striving to find new purpose.  The movie helped me recognize my guilt monster, which is that I am valiantly attempting to move forward. I am able to see my guilt monster clearly now. 

I was lucky to be loved by Jeff and lucky to be allowed to love him. As Hazel says in the movie, some infinities are more infinite than others, I also wish we had a more infinite infinity. That really hit me hard, especially because I have a small infinity on the inside of my left ring finger.

I know Jeff deserves to be loved by someone who doesn't want to live anymore now that he's gone. He deserves to be so loved that I shouldn't want to find purpose in living now that he is gone.  This is my guilt monster and when it does strike, it is enormous, it is painful, it is unbearable.

This widow's guilt monster has been revealed. I'm hoping that one day I will learn to not be so afraid of this monster.  I know that it will never go away, but I'm hoping that one day I will be able to live with this monster and it will not be so monstrous.