Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Sixteen Months

It's been sixteen months since Jeff died.

I'm trying to move forward and on with my life.

I'm trying to figure out what my new purpose is.

I'm trying to decide if I should even be dating.

I'm trying to do all this and not feel terrible survivor's guilt, which I need to remember is a natural part of what I'm going through.

I have noticed when I've taken the time to reflect on all that's happened, that I am having more good days than bad days.

I take comfort in knowing that my life will not be filled with only pain and suffering.

I am smiling more, laughing more, and loving more then I have in the past 3 years.

I am nourishing my relationships with friends and family and trying very hard to always remember to cherish every moment I have with those I hold close to my heart.

I am recognizing and removing people who are toxic from my life.

I am surrounding myself with people who are supportive and love me.

I miss my husband dearly, but know that he is always with me and literally loved me until the day he died. 

What more could I ever ask for?

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Badass Widow

I was telling some of my friends about how much reading widow blogs has helped me, how it's almost like a different form of therapy on top of my bereavement group and my own one on one therapy.  They suggested I start my own blog and call it "Badass Widow" because they think I'm badass since I seem to be handling all this so well. They say that I could help so many other people the way other widow blogs have helped me.  If they only knew about my guilt monster they probably wouldn't think I was so badass anymore!

Of course I've told no one, not even my bereavement group or my therapist, that I've already started this blog. I don't know why I haven't told anyone about this blog.

Maybe it's because I'm not ready to reveal some of these innermost thoughts and feelings, even though many of the posts are things I've already discussed with others.

Maybe it's because I don't want any pressure from those close to me to post things for fear that they aren't well written or insightful enough, or maybe even trivial.

Maybe it's because I would feel guilty for getting any form of praise for any of these posts since I would be getting praise only because I was doing something because Jeff is dead.

Maybe it's because I want to keep this just between me and Jeff and the tens of anonymous people who happened to have stumbled upon my humble little blog where I pour out my innermost feelings.

One day I might tell my family and friends about this blog, but maybe I won't. 

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Happy Anniversary Bober

Today would have been our 4th wedding anniversary.  We would have been together for a little over 11 years.  Our first dance was to "Lucky" by Jason Mraz and Colbie Caillat.  I feel like it's an even more appropriate portrayal of our love.

I haven't told how we got engaged yet so I think today would be an appropriate day to share that story.

We were on an Alaskan cruise with my parents, my sister and her husband, and Jeff's parents, which happened to coincide with my birthday.  Now, Jeff was not a big fan of traveling, it made him very anxious.  Did I also mention that I get pretty severe motion sickness?  So we aren't the best traveling pair!

I got a patch for the cruise but I was still throwing up the entire first day and half on the ship before my body got acclimated.  I remember him asking if I would ever stop being sick and I told him that hopefully I would feel better in a couple of days but I had never been on a cruise before and figured the patch would work.  He seemed more annoyed than concerned, which in turn, annoyed me!  Now I know he just didn't want me sick while he was proposing.

Throughout our years together, I always packed for him whenever we traveled.  While packing, of course I didn't see any sign of a ring, so I wasn't at all expecting a proposal.  He actually planned it very well, although I didn't quite play along like I should have. 

My birthday landed halfway through the cruise.  We woke up on my birthday to an abnormally sunny day and we were so lucky because we were already in Glacier Bay.  It was such a stunning view that I didn't want to miss a second of it, although Jeff kept asking me to get dressed, which he never cared about before.  I didn't want to waste any time getting dressed especially because we had killer views from our balcony.  The rest of the viewing areas on the cruise ship were super crowded so I wasn't planning on leaving my own private balcony, hence, no reason to get dressed.  I just threw on one of his ugliest jackets over my pajamas. 

After a slightly annoyed Jeff finally gave up on trying to make me put on something decent, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.  I distinctly remember being so surprised that I tackled him and broke the ring box!

Of course I said yes, and I remember saying over and over that I couldn't believe he had pulled this off.  It turned out, he had my sister's husband bring the ring and he kept it in the safe in his room.  I never thought of Jeff as a planner before but he definitely planned this and I felt so very special.

So here's a picture of my "ice" with a back drop of real ice on the most unlikely sunny day, yet the absolutely most perfect birthday, in Glacier Bay, Alaska.  Happy Anniversary Love of My Life!