Sunday, July 5, 2015

Someone Very Special

After Jeff died, I just felt so off balance...not myself...making bad decisions and then doubting myself.  That's not who I am.  I know I need to deal with the pain of missing him, there is no escape or distraction from that, but that's what I've done this past year and a half is deal but then also distract.  I allow myself the time to be sad and know that it's normal and necessary but I also look for distractions sometimes too because mourning is just so exhausting and I don't want to be sad all the time.

I'm sad that he's not here and the life I had with him, which I was so happy with, is gone.  I not only mourn him but I mourn who I was with him and the life I had with him.

Nobody can ever replace him.  I will always love him.  If he hadn't died, I would be with him still, for the rest of my life.  But we had no choice in that.

I also haven't let any of my "distractions" too far in.  I'm good at dodging and weaving, escaping when things get too close to my heart.  I'm good at pulling back, and I know it.  Hence, why I haven't gone on a third date yet.

But since he's been gone, I also hoped and asked Jeff to send me someone who would make me feel the way he made me feel and I have connected with someone very special.  Someone who makes me feel adored.

I'm almost weary of writing about him because I don't want to jinx it.

It has only been a short amount of time that I've been communicating with him but he has proven himself to be a steadfast and safe harbor for me in this raging storm of grief.

He lives in Wyoming and I met him via eHarmony.

I have already tried to sabotage myself and come up with reasons why I shouldn't trust him because of his muddied past but he has been patient and understanding.  I opened up so quickly to him and this scares me enormously, because I lost the last person I felt so safe with and who was the most important person to me in the world, which neither one of us had any control over.  I can't help but worry about losing again.

But as my new man says, we can either risk the chance of being hurt or we can run away and protect ourselves and potentially miss out on the one thing we've been looking for.

What I have noticed is that Wyoming is different than my other "distractions."  I thought I liked Apple Guy, but Wyoming blows him out of the water!  My rational brain keeps saying that our attraction with each other is because this is all so new, it's a passing fancy, that at some time we will get bored or overwhelmed or exhausted in the amount of time we spend thinking about each other and talking to each other, which is what happened with all of my other "distractions."

But then I remember that, it didn't fade too much with Jeff.  Jeff and I knew within the first couple weeks that we loved each other and knew this was special and after 10 years, I still just wanted to hang out with him.  We never ran out of things to talk about, we never got bored with each other, we spent time apart with our own separate interests and friends, but he was always the one I wanted to tell about my day and hear about his day.

When Jeff and I started dating, he still allowed me to feel strong and independent while I was with him.  But he was also my rock, my shelter in the times that I needed strength and safety.  This is how I feel about Wyoming.  I get excited to hear his voice, to see his name and face pop up on my phone.  I think about things that happen throughout my day that I can't wait to tell him and I want to know what his day is like and if he is safe.

These feelings have evolved so quickly and they remind me of my first few weeks with Jeff.

I'm noticing that Wyoming is not just a "distraction" anymore, he is turning into so much more than that.  He really is so important to me.  He is the only person I've met since my husband who I feel safe with.  I talk to him about everything.  He listens and asks questions about my life with Jeff.  There are so few men out there with his confidence and strength and selflessness.  He does not feel threatened by Jeff or my grief.

I have no idea what the future has in store.  All I know is that, right now, this new man makes me feel...exquisite.  He is the first man that makes me want to go on a third date.


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