Three Years

Three years ago today, the world lost the most big hearted, hilarious, bull-in-a-China cabinet.

Jeff, you have been missed every day, remembered every minute, and loved every second since you've been gone by me and everyone who was lucky enough to know you.

I am forever grateful to have had 10 years with you.

Cheers to you Bober.

Last Christmas and This Christmas

Last Christmas I spoke about my mom having health problems and one of my uncles waiting for a lung transplant as well as a cousin who was recovering from a major heart attack, while another was in jail.

Unfortunately, we have more bad news in the family than good news with my mom's terminal illness progressing rapidly and now on hospice as well as my uncle having recently passed from complications from his lung transplant.

But I am trying to focus on the positive.  My cousin has had many close calls and after being in the hospital in and out of the ICU for 4 months, he's finally out and staying with my aunt while awaiting his heart transplant.  My other cousin is out of jail and is working.  We hope it stays that way.

The family is all coming together for Christmas and I'm sure it will be as crazy and chaotic as it has always been but I'm also sure it will be full of love and laughter as well.  Time will continue to march on and we will continue to adapt to change.

I will be leaving for Wyoming on the 27th to spend New Years with Wyoming and will be there over Jeff's third anniversary, which I'm trying to not freak out about. I'm continuing to fight my guilt monster and move forward in life.

The most important thing is to try not to fight the inevitable, to not battle change, to continue to flex and adapt as best as possible so that we may all find peace in our lives.  This Christmas, I wish peace for everyone.

Merry Christmas.

Contact Not a Coincidence

I always want Jeff to make contact with me, to send me little signs, or even big signs that he's still around.  This time he didn't make contact with me, he made it with Wyoming.

Wyoming needed new winter tires so he was doing some research and came across a website that sold a specific tire that he liked. The website had an 888 toll free customer service contact number so he called it to get some information on these tires he was interested in buying. It turned out that nobody answered the customer service number so he hung up and figured he would try again another time. He went back and looked at his call log later in the day and was shocked to see that there was a name attached to the number he had called from the website. A specific persons name showing up on a cell phone call log for a toll free customer service number is very odd. But what really caught his attention was the name itself. It was Jeff's first and last name.

Wyoming was unsure if he wanted to tell me or not and he kind of had a hard time explaining it so he ended up sending me a screen shot of his call log and there it was, Jeff's first and last name next to an 888 toll free customer service number. These kinds of things can't just be coincidences.

I couldn't believe that Jeff was making contact with Wyoming. I was a little shocked and amazed at first.  My immediate reaction was to smile and clap my hands because I was so excited to hear from Jeff. But then my guilt monster told me that Jeff was making contact because I will be in Wyoming over Jeff's third anniversary. I know I needed to fight my guilt monster and the idea that Jeff is not happy with me being with Wyoming over his third year anniversary so I tried to rationalize it as Jeff making contact with Wyoming not me. If Jeff was upset with me, wouldn't he have made contact with me?  He didn't make contact with me, he made it with Wyoming. Maybe this was Jeff's way of saying that he's watching?  Maybe this is Jeff's way of saying hello?  Maybe this was Jeff's way of giving his blessing?

Then I started thinking about how I'm trying to rationalize something that is irrational and reminded myself not to overthink things. But that is a really hard thing for me to do.  I'm just so good at overthinking.

Maybe I shouldn't read into it and just be happy that Jeff made contact.

Divorce, Death, and Lessons Learned

A couple that I have recently been spending more and more time with was married over the summer.  She works with me at my post-Jeff, teaching job.  She had expressed that they were going to start to try and have a baby soon.  Unfortunately, she just found out that her husband has been cheating on her.  She has only told me and one other mutual friend because she hasn't decided if she is going to seek a divorce or attempt to work it out, not even her family knows.  They are still going to travel across the country to visit his family over the holidays like nothing is wrong. 

I was devastated at hearing her news.  I immediately felt for her because I remember the day we found out that Jeff had stage iv lung cancer.  It was a life altering day.  I know the minute she found out that her husband was cheating was also a life altering day for her as well.

I think that her road will be harder than mine though.  I know that's a strange concept but there was really no decision I had to make, there was no doubt about what happened to Jeff.  I was not confused or betrayed by him.  He was simply gone.

She has to decide if she wants her husband to be gone from her life.  She may always have doubt about whether her decision is the right decision or not.  There will always be another opportunity to attempt to repair their relationship if she decides to leave or to leave the relationship if she decides to stay.  Those kinds of life altering decisions can be paralyzing, especially when closure may be more difficult to come by.

The old me (before learning so many lessons after Jeff's death) would have judged her and demanded that she leave him.  How dare she allow someone to disrespect her like that.  I would have harassed, badgered, and hounded her to think the way I think and do what I think would be best for her life.

I'm just trying to be there for her right now.  I'm proud of myself for just listening, giving my honest opinion, presenting potential scenarios, and then letting it go.  She has thanked me for not judging her and just supporting her.  I told her that I was a different person before Jeff died, that I would have judged her and harassed her to leave her husband.  She said she's glad that I'm not like that anymore and I told her I was glad I'm not like that anymore too, but it took my husband's death to learn those lessons.

I ache for the pain and turmoil that she's feeling, especially during the holidays.  I definitely know pain during the holidays.  These kinds of life altering moments will always be remembered.  With Jeff's three-year anniversary approaching, it's a further reminder that grief comes in many different ways.

To Tree or Not to Tree

I keep debating whether or not I want to put up my Christmas tree this year.

The first year after Jeff died I didn't put the tree up.  I couldn't bear to see all of the ornaments that reflected our life together: first Christmas as a married couple, first Christmas in the house together, ornaments I bought on trips we went on together, the ornaments from our honeymoon, and just all of the other ornaments collected in the 10 years we were together.

Last year, I put my tree up.  I cried a little while unwrapping the ornaments and putting them on the tree, but I also spoke to Wyoming the majority of the time I was decorating so that helped a lot.  He listened to the stories from the most touching ornaments and kind of held my hand through it all (as well as one can hold a hand over the phone).  I had also collected some new ornaments through my travels with Wyoming so it was nice to relive those new memories with him as well.  I have to be honest though, it was a little strange to mingle ornaments from my life with Jeff and ornaments from my life with Wyoming on the same tree just two years after Jeff died.  Stupid guilt monster.

This year, I need to go over to my parents house to decorate their Christmas tree since my mom is on hospice and my dad has never been any use regarding decorating for Christmas.  I think that's a lot to handle, decorating two Christmas trees.  Plus, I will be leaving for Wyoming two days after Christmas to spend New Years with Wyoming.  I don't want to have to take down the tree the day after Christmas, especially since I'll be pretty tired from being in charge of organizing Christmas this year and I definitely don't want to deal with taking it down when I get back from Wyoming right before starting second semester.

But I feel like not putting up the tree is a step back.  Like I made a huge step forward last year in putting up the tree and not putting it up this year may be going backwards?

I don't know what I want to do.  I heard recently that the best thing to do in a stressful situation when you're not sure of the next step is to just sit and do nothing, not to plow forward just to do something.

So I'm going to sit on this one for a little while and hopefully the answer will come to me soon.

Leading Up to Three Years

This is the week before finals week for my students.  This is the week Jeff went into the hospital.  He went in Thursday morning because a tumor on his adrenal gland burst and he was in an enormous amount of pain and went into septic shock Wednesday night.

I've been thinking a lot about the days leading up to that week three years ago.  I remember we had finished up with whole brain radiation and his headaches had finally stopped.  He was feeling a lot better since he didn't need all of the pain meds and the steroids gave him a huge appetite.

These memories make me sad but they aren't really disrupting my life or causing an enormous amount of pain.  I haven't cried yet and I haven't had a major anxiety attack.  I'm pretty calm, which is huge growth I think.  The previous two years I have been affected terribly leading up to the anniversary of Jeff's death.  I'm hoping I won't lose it, but it's also hard because I have a little bit of guilt that I'm not losing it.  It's that good old guilt monster showing up again.

I think I am utilizing the skills I've learned over the last few years.  I am not avoiding these memories and I'm not distracting myself from them.  I'm just sitting with them.  I'm planning ahead and not overbooking or stressing out with all of the things that need to be done during the holiday season.  I joined weight watchers to help me maintain my weight and focus on healthy eating, I am keeping up with my regular exercise routine, I am saying yes to the things I want to participate in, and I'm saying no to the things I don't really want to participate in.  I am being very good with time management and making sure that I am not procrastinating with deadlines and allowing myself some downtime as well.

I think overall, I am doing a pretty good job so far.  I'm hoping that the other shoe doesn't drop, especially with my mom on hospice.

I hate cancer for making me a widow.

Rough Start to December

This has been a rough start to December so far.  I know of multiple people who have died in the last couple days.  One cancer death and a couple of heart attacks.

The month of December can already be a rough month for me with holidays, finals and grades, and the anniversary of Jeff's death.

I'm hoping that this doesn't snowball into anything worse leading up to Jeff's 3rd year anniversary.

Thanksgiving Organizer?

This Thanksgiving was very different than last year.  Last year it was just my parents, my aunt Stephanie and Uncle Jerry, and me for Thanksgiving.  This year, my mom is now on hospice and is pretty much bedridden since her MSA has progressed so rapidly, and my Uncle Jerry died.  This year, we had almost 20 people. I think the family really wanted to be together.

Usually my mom is running the show for every major holiday, but she is so far progressed that there is very little she can do.  Last year, she made it to the dining room and she could still talk well and eat well so she could organize Thanksgiving and Christmas.  This year, she is extremely difficult to understand and rarely leaves the bedroom.  Since my older sister was spending Thanksgiving with her husband's family, it was put on me to organize Thanksgiving.

I told everyone what they needed to bring and I kept the timeline of when everything needed to be heated, carved up, served, and cleaned.  I found it strange to be the one in charge. 

I don't know if anyone else feels this way but rationally, I know I'm an adult.  I'm 37 years old, run and own my own home, and I took care of my dying husband.  Taking care of Jeff and dealing with his death definitely made me feel like an adult.  But there is something about being in charge of a major holiday for my entire extended family that made me feel even more like an adult.  I don't quite know how to explain it.  I'm an adult but my parents, aunts, and uncles have always been the real adults.

I wasn't really looking to step into my mom's role as the go-to holiday organizer but since my older sister was not going to be there, it just kind of fell on me.  Once we were all in the same room for Thanksgiving, I essentially organized Christmas as well and sent out the reminders to family of where, what time, and what they will be bringing, as well as writing it all down on a piece of paper for my dad to refer to in case people fell back on calling my mom for their food assignments.

I feel like the family needs someone to step up and take on the organizer role now that their eldest brother has died and their eldest sister is on hospice.  But I feel like it is a major responsibility and it makes me sad that someone else has to step into the roll unwillingly since people are dying.  I feel like I may not be the one who should be doing it, since my mom has three other siblings, and I'm not sure if I'm the most qualified for the position.

My sister expressed a fear that once my mom died the whole family would fall apart.  Perhaps stepping into the roll of organizer will ensure that they family doesn't fall apart?  I'm just not sure if I'm "adult" enough to be that person...

The Month for Giving Thanks

It's November, the month of Thanksgiving, and the time to give thanks and be grateful for who and what we have in our lives.  Sometimes this is a difficult endeavor for those who are experiencing grief.

I was reading a blog and came across this entry that had random thoughts and stray quotations.  Some of these helped me get into the thankful mindset.  Here are a few that I especially liked.  Hopefully they too can help you get into the mindset of being thankful leading up to Thanksgiving.

• Is the glass half full or half empty? I say it depends upon whether you are looking down on the glass or up at it. If you are looking down, it is half empty, if you are looking up from the bottom, it is half full.
• Nothing needs to change in your life situation or the world in order for you to have peace of mind.
• THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
• Always Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing!!!  When you have come to the edge of all the light you know and are about to step out into the darkness of the unknown, faith is knowing that one of two things will happen: There will be something to stand on, or you will be taught to fly.  Inch by inch, life's a cinch; yard by yard life is hard.  I did not have to let the terms of a disease define me. I could redefine the terms. (Michel J. Fox)
• You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life. (Zig Ziglar)
• Life is all about the moments shared with family and the people you loved that can never be taken away.

Another Vegas Birthday Trip

I just got back from the annual Vegas Birthdays Trip.

I've mentioned before that Jeff and his friends always go to Las Vegas for multiple birthdays among his friends and now my friends. Unfortunately, this year it was hard to correlate everyone so it was only a very small group of people who went.

It was a ton of fun as usual but I also had a bit of a panic attack the last night we were there.  We were eating dinner at a table outside and there was a huge Halloween Costume contest happening down the way so there were a lot of people walking around in costumes and we were enjoying the sights.  Then, I started feeling a lot of anxiety so I sat with it like my therapist taught me and tried to figure out what was causing it.

I finally realized that it was the 29th and the last time I was in Vegas this close to Halloween and seeing all the costumes was the weekend after Jeff's birthday when he was first diagnosed.  I would say that even though I didn't consciously remember those two specific things, my subconscious definitely did.  I did some meditative breathing and continued to sit with my anxiety.  It continued to ebb and flow and at one point I left the table to try to get away from the overwhelming noise and sights.  But, it's Vegas so there really isn't anywhere to go that isn't loud and visually overwhelming.  I went back to the table and started texting Wyoming.  He reinforced that I was okay, that I needed to try and just breathe and relax.  After a while, the anxiety faded and I was able to enjoy the rest of the night.

Now being home, I remind myself that I need to be patient and understanding with my grief.  It's been almost three years since Jeff died, but there are still certain triggers that bring me back to that awful place of his diagnosis, treatment, and eventual death.

I still feel I have made tremendous progress and know that this little episode does not send me back to the starting point of my grief.  I know that I felt that way during my panic attack.  I felt like I was spiraling down and all the hard work I've done over these last years was gone.  But that's the anxiety, the grief, and the panic talking.  I implemented all of the advice from my therapist and didn't distract myself.  I sat with that anxiety and tried to figure out where it was coming from and felt exceptionally uncomfortable.  But, like my therapist always says, the body cannot remain at that adrenaline-filled state forever.  Eventually, the heart rate slows and the shakiness and nauseous dissipate.

I felt a sense of triumph that I was able to overcome it and beat it in a way.  Typing this now and reliving it has brought some of that anxiety back.  My heart rate has quickened and I feel a little shaky, but, deep down, I know that it will pass.  This too shall pass.  It always does.

A Discount for Repeat Customers?

My aunt asked me to research mortuaries for her since my uncle Jerry passed away last week.  I remembered that the mortuary I went to for Jeff was reasonably priced and was very good when I went in (although, there is not much I remember from that day).

I called them and set up an appointment for my aunt for October 25th.  When I called to tell her that she had her appointment set up she asked if I would go with her.  At first I wanted to refuse.  Jeff's birthday is October 24th, which was the day before the appointment and I didn't know how I was going to respond going back to the same place where I had Jeff cremated, especially the day after his birthday.  But then I thought about how my in-laws came with me and there was no way I could have done it by myself so I put my big girl panties on and I agreed to go with her.

I recognized the parking lot and the front room and the room we conducted our business, but the rest had been wiped from my memory.  None of the feelings I was afraid of came.  It was like I had been there before but it wasn't traumatic or scary or sad.  It just was.  I don't know if I was numb then or if I'm numb now.  All I know is that I am grateful that a massive anxiety attack didn't happen.  I think Jeff and my uncle Jerry might have had a hand in my sense of peace and calm.  It would be terrible to have two widows losing it in a mortuary!

I think it helped tremendously that Wyoming was in town as well.  He came with my aunt and I and sat in the front room.  Just knowing he was there probably also helped a great deal.

The interesting part was that the nice lady who helped us asked how we chose them and I told her that they had taken care of me when my husband died almost three years ago.  She asked our name, I told her, and then she said that she thought my face looked familiar and then offered us a $300 discount for coming back and essentially being repeat customers.  Those weren't her exact words, but it was something to that effect.

I kind of had to smile at that because both Jeff and my uncle Jerry know how I like a good discount!

Goodbye Uncle Jerry

My Uncle Jerry died last night of complications from a lung transplant.

He was an exceptional man in all that he did.  He was best known to me for being a hard ass with his nieces and nephews, but we all knew that he loved us dearly.  He had the most amazing evil laugh and absolutely loved to pick on us and then take us out for candy and ice cream after.

For most of my life, he owned a landscaping business and I remember being young and spending the day with Uncle Jerry on his route (looking back now, I realize that he was babysitting us) and his favorite thing to do was lock the doors and pull out his nose hairs and try to wipe them on us while he was driving.  He loved hearing us scream and would laugh his evil laugh.  We all thought it was pure torture at the time but now I remember it fondly.

I also remember running home from elementary school to try and catch Uncle Jerry at my house landscaping.  I would beg him to let me cut the grass, run the vacuum, and the blower.  He used to pay me $2, which I thought back then was a fortune.  Looking back, I realize that I was doing most of the work and getting very little pay but then I realize that he had to listen to my dad complain constantly that the lines on the lawn were crooked.  I now think I should have paid Uncle Jerry!

I especially loved how easy Uncle Jerry made our relationship transition from young niece to young adult.  Uncle Jerry didn't treat me like a child, he spoke to me like an adult when I finally became one.  He respected my opinions and abilities.  But that didn't mean he still didn't pick on me and laugh that evil laugh when I'd squeal or whine.

He will be mostly missed in the community for his life commitment to wrestling.  He traveled the world as an official, he started a youth wrestling club, and he coached high school wrestling as well.  Wrestling was his life's work and it fulfilled him.  We couldn't have a conversation without him dropping some obscure wrestling term, talking about a wrestler that I'd never heard of, and telling stories about wrestling that made very little sense to anyone who wasn't enmeshed in the wrestling world, which I definitely was not.  His dedication inspired me to be a better coach when I started coaching in my early 20's.  We coached different sports but our style was very similar.

But what has the most impact on me is the fact that there are so many people in our community who know his name.  Uncle Jerry coached people who then went on to have children that he also coached.  He influenced generations.  His commitment and unparalleled generosity will never be matched.  He constantly opened his house, his wallet, and most importantly, his heart to so many. 

He is going to be greatly missed and I was lucky to have him in my life.

Jerry winning the Head Coaches Award in February 2015

Get To vs Have To

I recently read this article below about the idea of "get to" vs "have to."  With all that I've experienced in the past three years or so, this article just reminded me of the power of ones attitude.

When I'm tired and I "have to" wake up and go to work or I "have to" grade a massive stack of essays, I need to try and remind myself that I "get to" go to work today.  There are so many people who are out of the job and wish that they could get up and go to work.

When I'm complaining that I "have to" go to pilates or walk the dog, I need to remind myself that I "get to" work out, I am able bodied enough and healthy enough to work out while there are so many other people who wish they were healthy enough (like my mom) to exercise.

When I'm tired at night and I "have to" talk to Wyoming on the phone because I have so many other things to do and I'm tired of listening and talking to 175 8th graders, I remind myself that I "get to" talk to him, I don't "have to" to talk to him.

I don't get to talk to Jeff anymore. 

The Power of ‘I get to’ versus ‘I have to’

when i awoke this morning at 5:12am for no good reason, i started going through the list of things that i have to do today. i started telling my husband (when he awoke 1.5 hours later) that “i have to write a blog post since i didn’t last night, i have to go for a run, i have to meditate and i have to prepare for a presentation on partnerships and…”
then my trusty anxiety started creeping in and grabbed me by the throat. i fell back on the bed (not dramatically like a pass-out-scene but like a ‘ack! it’s too much. i’m falling over’) and told my husband i felt overwhelmed.
his response, “you don’t have to do anything.”
immediately my response was “oh yes i do because….!” and launched into how the world could potentially end if i didn’t do all of my list today.
his response, “you don’t have to do anything.”
deep breath. he was right and damn he has a good memory. i told him something very similar recently when he was expressing all of the crazy travel he has coming up. i said “you don’t have to do any of that…you get to!” sometimes it is less fun to get your words thrown back at you but ultimately so necessary. the power of ‘i get to’ versus ‘i have to’ is an interesting concept.
he asked me to rephrase everything that i have going on today and now it sounds like this:
“i
have get to write a blog post, i am able to go for a run, i want to meditate and i get to prepare for a presentation to help people have better partnerships.”
that slight change in phrasing decreased my anxiety by like 47%, which is a pretty big deal. it helped to give me back control of my language, my choices and my life. i don’t have to do anything, none of us do.

he also reminded me that i’m working hard to stay present and to not numb out to my anxiety, no matter how terrible it may feel. remember in brené brown’s book “the gifts of imperfection,” she says you cannot just choose to numb out grief, anxiety, vulnerability, shame, etc. but then say “i just want to feel joy, gratitude, and happiness.” that is not how it works. if we decide to attempt to numb the negative emotions, we numb everything out including the ones that bring us great joy.
if you are feeling overwhelmed, change the way you think about the things that are going on in your life. by simply replacing the words “have to” or “should” with “get to” or “able to” it will help to restore a sense of control. the power of ‘i get to’ versus ‘i have to’ is stronger than you might imagine.

Target

I was shopping at Target the other day, just minding my own business and I heard someone yell out my name.  It turned out to be a couple I used to play recreational field hockey with back in the day.  I probably haven't seen them in 7 or 8 years.

We stood in the frozen food aisle catching up.  For a brief second I wondered if they had heard about Jeff, but I let the thought pass as we talked about all the people we used to play hockey with.  They mentioned that one of their daughters I had coached when she was in high school was married and pregnant and they asked if I had ever finally gotten married. Oh those fantastic moments when I drop the "Jeff bomb" on people.

Me:  "Yeah...I did get married...but about a year and a half after we got married he got cancer and died 2 years and 9 months ago."

Them:  "What?!? Not Jeff.  He was so funny!"

Me:  "Yeah...I know, right?"

Then the usual questions of what kind of cancer, did he smoke, was he symptomatic, how did you discover it, and my usual answers that it was lung cancer, no he didn't smoke, no he wasn't really symptomatic, we found out because he had a stiff neck and a lump in his throat, which turned out to be the cancer that had spread to his spine and his lymph nodes.

Yup...just another Thursday night at Target, catching up with people I haven't seen in years, and dropping a bomb on them.

I hate cancer for making me a widow.

Another Birthday

My fall break is coming to an end and another birthday has passed for me.  I'm 37, we found out Jeff had cancer on his 37th birthday.

This year I had a great break and birthday.  The first year after Jeff died was absolutely terrible.  Last year was significantly better than the year before and this year was even better than that.  I feel like I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness, grief, and guilt this year for once. I feel like I was actually happy and at peace naturally, not having to force myself to constantly remember that Jeff would want me to be happy or I should be happy.

This break, I flew out to Denver to meet up with Wyoming, then we drove back to San Diego via New Mexico and Arizona taking a few extra days to see some really cool sites like New Mexico's Carlsbad Caverns (unbelievably cool and we stayed for the bat show, which was totally worth hanging around a couple extra hours instead of heading out), Roswell, New Mexico (very kitchy but nice people), a little tour through White Sands National Park, then a quick lunch stop in Las Cruces, New Mexico (unbelievable hole in the wall Mexican restaurant called La Nueva Casita), and then down into Tucson (where we had a little delay because Wyoming dropped his phone in the hotel pool and we had to visit a Verizon store in Tucson before getting back on the road), then back to good ole San Diego just in time to celebrate my birthday.

I did think of Jeff a lot, but mostly how much he would have hated all of that traveling! Traveling always gave him a lot of anxiety, especially not really having a plan and not knowing where we were going to end up that night. So, needless to say, we didn't travel very often and when we did, I had to do all of the planning.

I miss Jeff, but it's not as painful as it was the previous years. I know it's a bit selfish, but I do have to admit, it is nice to be taken care of and just sit and enjoy seeing new things.

I Miss Him

I charged Jeff's iPhone and just finished spending a few hours reading through text messages between the two of us.  We really were hilarious with each other and the love between us was palpable in those texts.

It was so endearing to see the difference between the years before he was diagnosed and then the 14 months after diagnosis. We would still joke with each other the months after diagnosis, but we were sweeter with each other and I could hear the anxiety in my texts, the desperation and the worry in my texts, as he was beginning to feel worse and worse near the end.

Being able to look back at our words to each other as his symptoms were unfolding...it's unexplainable. My inquiries of how he was feeling were met with honest answers from him as the end drew near. We didn't know the end was that close at the time, but reading our exchanges from the years before diagnosis, then the months following his diagnosis, to the weeks before he died...it's very clear he was declining and I remember how petrified and helpless I felt.

I'm glad I kept his phone so I can have those specific, little, inner details of our life before and during cancer.  I have something to show how often we cracked each other up, supported one another, how a lot of our time revolved around what we were going to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, which for those who know us would all agree that we definitely cared a lot about food, but mainly, these texts show the nuances of our love for each other.  These texts are concrete evidence of the undeniable bond that we shared.

God, I miss him.

She's My Hero

Wendy from "Young, Widowed, and Rebuilding" is still my favorite widow blogger and officially my hero.

I know I've posted about her before but I can't say enough how much she inspires me.  Her latest post made me want to cry happy tears of joy for her and for me as well. 

Reading about her and others like her remind me that life really does go on and that it is okay to be happy again.

Investment Opportunity Part 2

Remember when I mentioned that I met with my financial advisor and we came up with a potential investment opportunity?

Well, now that I'm a little further into the process, I've been discussing this with Wyoming and we are hoping to use this as an opportunity to potentially grow our future together.  We are thinking we could be partners.  I could buy the land and he could develop it.  Of course these are all just ideas and hopes for the future, nothing has been decided yet, and I'm sure there will be all kinds of contracts in place before we move forward, but I feel good about it.

I have some anxiety about this of course and I am working through it but I am really hoping that this means I am making huge steps to move forward in life and in my relationship with Wyoming.

Always Good Tips

I'm reading a book called I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair.

I still find reading grief literature and widow blogs helpful.  Some of the following tips I remember focusing on in my early stages of grief and some of these are just strong reminders of what I still need to focus on:

• If you need isolation for a while that's ok.  You will be with people when you are ready
• Find a safe place to "go crazy" if you want to.  Go yell in the woods, throw rocks at trees, swear at the TV, punch a pillow, or wear the deceased clothes to sleep.
• Be kind to yourself.  Perfection is not necessary; there is no arriving, only going.  There is no need to judge where you are in your journey.  It is enough that you are traveling.
• Make a commitment to your future.  Commitment enables you to bypass all your fears, mental escapes and justifications, so that you can face whatever you are experiencing in the moment.
• Get out of your own way.  The main block to healing from loss is the thought we shouldn't be where we are, that we should already be further along in our growth that we perceive ourselves to be.  Let these expectations go.
• Affirm yourself.  Who you were and who you will be are insignificant compared to who you are.
• Fear is not always a bad thing. If you allow yourself to experience fear fully without trying to push it away, an inner shift takes place that initiates transformation. 

Hopefully some of these tips are helpful not only in the grieving process but in life in general.

Investment Opportunity

I met with my financial advisor last week.  I feel like meeting with her is similar to therapy.  Finances are a difficult thing to discuss.  It's hard to take a look at what I've spent this last year, how much (or little) I have saved, and trying to plan for the future.

She has been telling me for the last two years that I really need to invest in another property since  buying the right property is one of the best ways to ensure a comfortable retirement.  I feel there is a lot of risk involved in having only one income and being the sole person responsible for multiple mortgages.  But I know she is right.  Uncle Sam is eating up too much of my money and I need to make my money work for me.

We ended up compromising.  Instead of another property, we decided I could invest in land.  That way, I don't have to worry about renters and upkeep and all of that in the immediate future.  There is an up and coming area that is undeveloped and if I get in while the land is still cheap, I could one day either develop that land or parcel it off and sell it.

Now, I am scheduled to meet with a realtor this week to begin looking for land to invest in.  But I am having some anxiety over this.  Not only am I worried about choosing the wrong piece of land and it potentially being worth less later on, but I'm also feeling guilt over the idea that the only reason I am able to invest on my own like this is because my husband died and his life insurance money is paying for this investment.  I could either make the wrong decision and waste his life insurance money or make the right investment and prosper off of his life insurance money.  Either way, it's because he's dead.  None of that sits well with me.

The level headed side of me knows that I need to make this money work for me, that it's not my fault that Jeff died, that my life needs to go on.  But the emotional side of me balks at the idea of losing any of the money or potentially profiting from it.  The only reason I have this money is because my husband is dead.  It's just a lot to deal with.

I know I am in a good position and there are plenty of other widows out there whose husbands didn't have life insurance and they are screaming at this post for whining like I am.  But I would rather have my husband back then have this money.

I guess since I can't have my husband back, I need to just put my big girl panties on and buy land and I need to stop feeling sorry for myself when other widows are in a much worse situation.

40 Things Your Soul Wants You to Know

Below are 40 things your soul wants you to know taken from this site:

1. Some people talk with you in their free time, and some free their time to talk with you.  Today, and every day, you can be the latter to the people you love.
2. The smallest act of kindness is always worth more than the grandest intention.
3. Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.
4. Sometimes you have to be kind to others, not because they’re nice, but because you are.
5. If you want others to be happy, you can practice compassion.  If you want to be happy, you can practice compassion.
6. When you find peace within yourself, you become the kind of person who can live at peace with others.
7. It usually isn’t what you have or where you are or what you’re doing that makes you happy or unhappy.  It’s how you think about it all.
8. Happiness is not a reaction or a result.  It is a choice made in the moment.  Let it be yours.  (Read The Power of Now.)
9. Much of what holds you back is the fact that you keep negative experiences of the past alive in your mind.  Let them GO!
10. You may be tired, or disappointed, or annoyed, or uncomfortable.  No matter what, your best option right now is to move positively forward.
11. It costs nothing to be positive.  And it changes things for the better.
12. No matter how much time you feel you have wasted or lost, it’s never too late to make the very most of the moment you’re in right now.
13. On particularly hard days when you feel that you can’t endure, remind yourself that your track record for getting through bad days is 100% so far.
14. Your “I CAN” is more important than your IQ.
15. Just focus on the step you’re taking now.  Honestly, that’s all life is – small steps that you take every day, and then one day when you look back down the road it all adds up and you know you covered some serious distance.
16. You will not fail.  Either you get the result you desire, or you learn what works and what doesn’t for next time.
17. Look at your problems as problems, and they will continue to hold you back.  See them instead as opportunities in disguise, and they will be.
18. Consider the possibility that the little obstacles in your life are not obstacles at all, but stepping-stones.
19. Success is not the absence of failure.  Success is what happens when you choose to take the next step and move on, beyond failure.
20. It’s easy for people on the sidelines to doubt and judge you when they aren’t taking any risks themselves.  Don’t let them get to you.  They may call you crazy when you’re just getting started but they’ll label you a genius once you’ve succeeded.
21. Don’t be afraid to provoke the status quo.  Maybe some of your ideas are crazy.  But crazy ideas are what shake the world.
22. You can’t always wait for the ideal moment.  Sometimes you must dare to do it because life’s too short to regret and wonder what could’ve been.
23. Fear doesn’t exist anywhere except in your mind.  It’s difficult to follow your heart, but it’s a tragedy to let the lies of fear stop you.
24. The minute you understand that you can be weird and mold life your own way, you allow yourself to shake off the erroneous notion that life is just there, and that you’re just going to exist in it, rather than embrace it, change it, improve it, and truly live it.
25. Decide this minute to never again beg anyone for the love, respect and attention that you should be showing yourself.  (Angel and I discuss this in more detail in the Self-Love chapter of 1,000 Little Things Happy, Successful People Do Differently.)
26. Open yourself up.  Allow yourself to feel, to be mindful and authentic.  Tear down any emotional brick walls you have built around yourself and experience every exquisite emotion, both good and bad.  This is real life.
27. Eat like you love yourself.  Move like you love yourself.  Speak like you love yourself.  Live like you love yourself.  Today!
28. The curious paradox of life is that when you accept yourself just as you are, right where you are, only then can you change and grow.
29. Don’t let the idea of being rejected stop you from affirming what’s important to you.  The right people will respect you more and hold you in higher regard if you’re honest and rigorous about your principles and values.
30. What you allow is what will continue.  It’s better to be lonely for a while than allow negative people and their opinions derail you from your destiny.
31. Let people take you as you are, or not at all.  By being yourself, you put something beautiful into the world that was not there before.  And this helps everyone who’s worth helping (including YOU).
32. One of the very hardest parts of loving someone: You have to give things up for them.  And sometimes, you even have to give them up.
33. Never force anything.  Give it your best shot, and then let it be.  If it’s meant to be, it will be.  Don’t hold yourself down with things you can’t control.  (Read Loving What Is.)
34. Consider the fact that being wrong is OK, and then admit that you are wrong when you are.  Yes, it’s hard.  Yes, it takes strength to admit it, but it makes you more humble and commendable.  And even more importantly, realize that when you’re wrong, you’re meant to be wrong so that you may outgrow the things you need to outgrow.
35. Old worries are down payments on problems you may never have.  Let them go.  Today is always a new beginning; take a deep breath and begin again.
36. There comes a time when you have to stop thinking about your mistakes and move on.  No regrets in life – just lessons that show you the way.
37. Remember the good times, be strong during tough times, love always, laugh often, live honestly, and be thankful for each new day.
38. If you are diligent and patient, everything you truly need in your life will come to you at the right time.
39. Look at how far you’ve come.  You have made progress.  And now, imagine how far you can go.
40. Everything will fall into place eventually.  Until then, learn what you can, laugh often, live for the moments, and know it’s all worthwhile.

It's good to write some of these down on post-its and stick them where you can see them daily.  They can become positive affirmations during stressful times.

My Guilt Monster Hasn't Killed Me

This post by Poor Widow Me had me thinking about my own guilt monster.  Poor Widow Me's way of thinking really helps me in fighting my guilt monster.

Die of a Broken Heart? Not me - I'd Rather Be Run Over By A Bus!

The other night an old friend said: "My mother passed away ten years ago.  Within six months my Dad died, too.  He died of a broken heart."

I asked her how old he was.  "84" was her answer.  I felt a mean smile coming on so I picked up my wine glass to hide behind.  Since my lips were hovering by the rim I took several quick sips.   Now the Cabernet buzz made my big mouth blurt out:

"Well, at 84 anything can happen.  It's almost a decade past life expectancy."

Her face contorted like I had smacked her.  She moved her head from side to side as if to shake out my stinging words.  

"There was nothing wrong with him! There was nothing wrong with him! There was nothing wrong with him!" 

Was she trying to convince me, herself or a jury? 

Fortunately for us both the mature part of me woke up and whispered, "What are you doing, Carol?  She's been romantasizing her father's death for years. Must you destroy that to make a point?"  I almost answered, "Yes, I must!"  But, I didn't. I let it go. 

It didn't let go of me, though.  I fretted the rest of the weekend. It was a natural weekend to fret, though.  Jimmy will be gone four years tomorrow, the 13th. The week, or few days before a death anniversary brings me back to a more vunerable place.

This dying of a broken heart question actually was nicely timed.
Why waste depression?

And why was this such a strong issue for me?  I thought Friendly's Chocolate Cookie Dough ice-cream might hold the answer. It did!  Halfway into my third scoop I had a brain freeze, and when I winced it sent me a message. 

I DIDN'T DIE WHEN JIMMY DIED.  MAYBE MY HEART WASN'T BROKEN.  MAYBE IT WAS JUST CRACKED! GOD, MY HEAD HURTS!

But, that thought and brain freeze only lasted a moment or two. By the time I put my dish in the dishwasher I was free of them both. 

Human beings keep breathing.  This is what we do. We suffer all sorts of bad stuff in our lives and like my fortune cookie told me: "A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."  I'd like to think this goes for men, too.

Still, I began to ask around.  My friend, whose parents are both in their 80's, told me she was sure if her Mom went first her Dad would die in a few months.  "Oh, please," I said, "Don't put that kind of pressure on him."

Today I posted, "Can you die of a broken heart? (literally) to my Facebook friends - 25 widows and widowers responded YES although I tried to point out that they were alive enough to type.  Some insisted that medically it's a fact - Grieving makes your immune system break down.  Yes, so maybe you'll get a cold or the flu.

Finally, Mickey, (a widower) wrote, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  If you don't believe that you're not dying of a broken heart, you're committing suicide." 

Doesn't that sound sane?

Let's stop this knee jerk reaction and take a step towards healing. In an effort to support one another through rough times are we really helping or feeding that "Poor Widow Me" mentality? 

Personally, I don't want the legacy of being so weak that I died of a broken heart.  I'd rather be hit by a bus...on the way to a party.

I'm with Poor Widow Me, I'd rather be hit by a bus than be killed by my guilt monster!   

What a Whirlwind Summer

Well, it's a new school year. Another reminder that time just keeps on ticking.

I've had a great summer break filled with lots of different things.

I got to spend some good quality time with my mom, helping her go through her things and figure out who to give things to and what to donate.  Overall, it's a sad experience because this needed to be done since she's dying and she wants to be able to complete this chore so we don't have to do it after she's gone. 

It was hard, sweaty work going through closets and boxes and bags of stuff. But I tried to push the sad feelings back and enjoy the nostalgic moments we shared. Some of the items and clothes I had never seen before or didn't remember so she was able to tell me her story about them or remind me about them.  Some of the stuff was from my childhood, especially since my sister and I both came home from the hospital to that house and spent our entire lives there until we moved out on our own. It was a good experience with no crying, just a lot of laughter and love and I'm eternally grateful I got to do this "chore" with her.  I realize that this might become my most treasured memory that she could give me.

I got to do a lot of traveling this summer as well: Estes Park, Las Vegas, Denver, Julian, and of course, Wyoming.  I also went camping three times.  I didn't think I would enjoy camping at all but it kind of grew on me.  I have definitely realized that two nights of camping, even with an air mattress, is my max!

I went through enormous stacks of documents deciding what needed to be shredded and what needed to be filed. Not a fun job but a necessary one.  Once it was done and those stacks of papers aren't cluttering the counter tops and piled up in the garage, that purge, felt good and I feel lighter now that it's finally completed.

I still had a couple of things on my necessary to-do list that didn't get done, like going to the dentist, going to the doctor for my annual checkup, and updating my will, which hasn't been changed since Jeff died.  I guess those things will need to be fit in during the school year or moved to my fall break to-do list.

Overall, I had a fantastic whirlwind six week summer break filled with a ton of fun and a sprinkling of necessary chores.  I think that was a good balance.

Now it's over and I'm back to fresh faced middle schoolers who will attempt to suck the life out of me.  But, just like my necessary summer chores, I'm ready for the challenge.

Bye, bye summer break!

Accepting Loss

"Whatever else, stabilizing your life means realizing that life as you knew it will never be the same.  The relationship you had, the person you loved, or the job you enjoyed are now gone.  Those relationships, people, and activities organized your life in certain ways.  Now that organization has changed.  To live in a new reality-based life, you must create a new vision based on how your loss has transformed you -  how the experience of loss has changed you as a person, as a partner, as a worker, and so on.  Only by accepting the loss and its consequences can you reach understanding, insight, and the potential to move on to the rest of your life.  And as you stabilize your life, you will once again experience the pleasures of living in ways that may have diminished during the grieving process."

-Aleta Koman
 How to Mend a Broken Heart - Letting Go and Moving On - Coping with Breakup - Separation, Divorce, Custody Disputes - Understanding the Stages of Loss - Stabilizing Your Life 

To File or Shred?

I've been meaning to go through multiple stacks of papers and file the necessary stuff and shred the rest.  I've actually been meaning to do it since before Jeff died.  But it's such a tedious job, that I've put it off for over 3 years.  It's been put off for too long.

One of the major stacks includes an enormous amount of documents regarding Jeff's medical records.  This has been exceptionally painful in deciding what to file and what to shred.

I no longer need documents about the hernia surgery he had way before the cancer diagnosis but how do I shred this memory of our life before cancer?

I no longer need all the appointment reminders, after care instructions, and summaries for the multiple doctor visits we attended for radiation, chemo, follow ups, etc.  But how do I shred these scraps of paper that were our lifelines to hope for a cure and normal life again?

I no longer need the disability paperwork that I had no idea Jeff took such extensive notes on in his distinctive handwriting. But how do I shred anything that has his handwriting on it?

I no longer need the handwritten notes and questions I wrote for our first oncology appointment.  This was the hardest one to read over, I was just so naïve back then. The questions I was asking, I realize now how unprepared I was for such devastating news.  I just didn't realize how life changing this diagnosis was, how I thought it could be treated and we could go on with our lives after this speed bump was overcome.

Looking back, I shake my head at my naïveté, but then I also long for the innocent I was back then
just going about my business untouched by grief and tragedy.  Ignorance was truly bliss.

We were a newly married couple with our whole lives in front of us and Jeff always telling me as long as we had each other, we could get through anything.

I long for those days of naïveté, of innocence, before cancer destroyed everything.

But how do I shred the innocent, naïve person I was before cancer made me a widow?

Would it be better to just file her away?

Has cancer already shredded her?

Letting Go Is Hard

Here Comes Summer!

It's finals week this week, the most stressful and exhilarating week of the year.  Both kids and teachers are over it!  I'm sure the parents are over it too.

I can't wait to finish everything up: get through finals, finish grades and submit them, supervising the graduation ceremony, filing, organizing, and cleaning up my classroom, then turning out the lights for 6 weeks until we do it all over again with a different set of kids.

Last year around this time, I was feeling sad and guilty.  I had just started talking to Wyoming and was looking forward to meeting him for the first time, but also missing Jeff so very much and feeling nostalgic for my past summers with him.

This summer I am still looking forward to seeing Wyoming (I will be flying out there for 10 days next week) and I'm still missing Jeff, but the pain is not as sharp.

I know Jeff is with me, as I was typing this, our wedding song came on Pandora.  I don't hear our wedding song very often, so when I do hear it in random places and at random times, I honestly feel that Jeff is communicating with me.

I feel like he knows how much I still love him, and I also know he wants me to be happy.  As Mean Jean says, "guilt is a useless emotion" and we all know about my guilt monster!

I am so grateful and relieved that the pain of missing the love of my life isn't so sharp.

I'm looking forward to the summer and all that it has to bring. 

My Own Mean Jean

I love reading widow blogs.  They give me someone else to relate to and I find myself nodding my agreement and seeing similarities sometimes.

In this post from Poor Widow Me, I was reminded of my own guilt monster and I also realized that I have my own "Mean Jean" therapist, except he's not as mean and not a woman.

"[Mean Jean] explained that guilt is a useless emotion. This is exactly what I needed to hear although I detect a tinge of 'Get over yourself' tone in her voice. I sit up straighter. 

"Listen, Carol, if you want to keep beating yourself up, be my guest. It's good for business." She added a 'ching-ching' register sound. 

At this point,  I was seeing her twice a week and our three month anniversary was approaching.  I noticed that the couch I was sitting on was new. I looked around. So was the carpet. 

For those reading this and wondering why oh why was I seeing her? After all, Mean Jean certainly was a fitting nickname. Here's why ~ she didn't let me wallow.  I know myself. With a softer shrink I might have curled up on a couch and spent the 50 minutes sucking my thumb. I kept going back because every so often she gave me a gem and my breathing was calmer when I left her. 

This day, as I wrestled with feelings of guilt, she blurted out wisdom, a little ditty, that seemed to come out of nowhere, but it made sense to me and it helped me. She had extremely wise ditties. 

She told me that when widows want to re-marry they often go to the cemetery to ask permission. I nodded my head. "I can understand that," I said. 

Mean Jean lifted that one evil eyebrow again sarcastically. "Really?" she said. "It makes sense to you to ask permission from a dead man?" 

"Well, I figured that…" I stammered. 
"Just for the record, Carol, none of the husbands ever say no."
"So, you're saying…"
"I'm saying our time is up!" She snorted and slapped the arm of her chair. "I'm kidding, kiddo. You should have seen your face?

Eventually, she stopped chuckling and leaned forward to gently touch my arm.

"Honey, emotionally healthy widows and widowers do what they want to do. If they want to remarry, they remarry. If they want to buy a foreign car when their spouse only bought American they say, "Hey, I'm the one driving it."!

She continued, "It's a process to get to that, of course, but they know that it's their turn now and they know that life can be fleeting. They know that better than anyone. 

"They look back, they regret, they give themselves and their marriage a report card and in some subjects they acknowledge that they failed. So what? Dwelling and it's first cousin, guilt, don't change a thing. It only keeps us stuck." 

This is why we pay for therapy.  Preach on Mean Jean!

Change

Poor Widow

I've been reading a widow blog recently. 

She has struggled so much more than I have regarding the loss of her husband, the loss of her mother soon after, a remarriage that ultimately ended in divorce, the loss of her home from financial difficulties, the estrangement she is experiencing with her siblings and other family members, and trying to raise her two teenage sons, while desperately trying to make ends meet financially, all feeling extremely alone with no support.

She constantly complains about how hard her life is, how she can't find the strength to go on, how unfair it is that she lost everything and others surrounding her are so much more fortunate than her.  She actually takes pleasure in hearing about other women whose lives have been altered by either divorce and/or death because then she doesn't feel so alone in her struggles and grief.

She has admitted that she is a pessimistic person by nature, a constant worrier, but also a nurturer who does not take any time for herself although she knows she should.  I think she may be a Houdini type griever.

Recently, she wrote, "The Rabbi Peseach Krauss advises in "Why Me? Coping With Grief, Loss And Change" that it is futile to tell people what they're doing wrong when they are in the midst of feeling grief and despair.  They will not be able to accept or process any advice.  The key is to provide sympathy such as 'I hear your frustration and upset in regard to the unfairness of life.  And I know you are dealing with these painful feelings in an effort to get through and beyond them.'  He also believes that there are those of us who will reach for the light and those of us who will get buried in our bitterness, pain and hurt.  I admire the great many of you who are valiantly moving toward and living in the light.  The jury is still out on which direction I'm going to end up."

Hopefully looking back she has seen that even though she felt she couldn't go on, she did go on.  She continued to wake up and face each day and not only get through it but also succeed, even if she didn't feel she did.

I feel sorry for her mainly because of her struggles but also how she inherently thinks and feels.  She has stated that she is naturally pessimistic, she says she needs a man to lean on, that she absolutely detests sleeping in an empty bed and waking up alone, and also that she is more of a dependent person.  She feels like remarrying again will solve her problems. 

I don't think she ever learned how to self-soothe, which is what leads to her dependence on others, and when others don't meet her expectations, she is bitter, resentful, angry, and hugely disappointed, which sends her down a spiral into depression and grief.  The thing is, she recognizes all of this in herself and is valiantly trying to feel better.  I applaud her for that.  I applaud her for her bravery in admitting her faults not only to herself but to the world through her blog.

In reading her struggles, I realize that I am very lucky to be a Charmain type griever, and even though I definitely endure my fair share of struggles, I tend to be able to get through and beyond them and not get buried by bitterness, pain, and hurt (although I have to admit, I definitely do struggle with anger when others don't meet my expectations or disappoint me).  Through a lot of work with self-reflection, physical exercise, therapy, and focusing on the people in my life who are inspiring and supportive, I try very hard and am able to see the light.

I wish she was able to realize that she is also doing the work of self-reflection, physical exercise, and therapy in order to cope and survive.  I just wish she could see that she is in the light by even recognizing what she needs and where she currently is in her mental and emotional state.

These are enlightening revelations.  She is currently living in the midst of grief and despair and she recognizes that, but also realizes that nothing anybody tells her will help her, just them being there to listen is enough.  She must climb out of the dark chasm of grief herself like we all must, but it is definitely comforting knowing that someone is there with us during our struggles even if they might not necessarily be able to help us out.

She hasn't blogged now for a very long time.  I hope she is at peace, but I also know that life doesn't always end happily ever after for everyone.

Love and Grief

"There is only one way for you

To live without grief in your lifetime; that is

To exist without love.  Your grief represents

Your humanness, just as your love does."

- Carol Staudacher

Back to School

According to Wyoming we will be celebrating our first year together on May 11th.  He is such a sentimental and romantic guy, he knows the exact date because it's the first day we sent non-eHarmony emails to each other.

He will be flying into town the weekend after May 11th and he picked out a restaurant here in San Diego that I've never been to that is right on the water.

He even got a new suit for the occasion, which means I need to get a dress!

Every once in a while, Jeff liked to make a reservation at a fancy steak house or Italian restaurant and we would have a night out on the town and get all dolled up, but usually we stayed home and cooked something wonderful (well he usually grilled and I cooked side dishes and dessert) and hung out in our sweats and got fat; that's how we usually celebrated. 

I was mentioning this to a really good friends' mom, who I go out to dinner with frequently and who has always given me phenomenal advice and support.  Here's the conversation:

Me:  Wyoming likes the finer things in life.  I feel I need to step my game up.  Jeff never even owned a suit and Wyoming has a couple already and he just bought a new one for this occasion!

Her: It certainly will not hurt you to get dressed up.  You need to enjoy the finer things that Wyoming wants to share with you.

I just got schooled, as usual!

Let It Go

Truth

"Death alters the reality of our lives;

the death of an intimate changes it completely.

No part of life,

from my most ethereal notions of God 

to the most mundane detail of tooth brushing, 

was the same after Drew died.

Life consisted on one rending novelty after another,

as anyone who has lost a spouse can attest."

-Kate Braestrup from Here if You Need Me

Two Ways of Grief

In reading a widow blog, I came across this post about Grief and Houdini, which I found very interesting and enlightening.

The widow read the book The Secret Life of Houdini - The Making of America's First Superhero by William Kalush and Larry Sloman, which described Houdini as extremely devoted to his mother and then deeply affected by her death.  Even five years after her death, he still suffered great feelings of loss.

Houdini was friends with The Call of the Wild author Jack London and his wife, Charmian.  Jack London died at age 40.  Charmain attended one of Houdini's shows 11 months later and Houdini appeared shocked and upset that she was looking "so well and blooming" that soon after her husband's death.  She responded to Houdini defiantly "I REFUSE to be beaten!  I am going to put in whatever years life still hold for me as profitably in the pursuit of happiness as I possibly can.  You have lost and suffered.  Am I not right in my attitude?"

Houdini doesn't feel his friend's wife should be "over" her grief, while Charmain has adopted a mindset of moving forward despite her pain and looking for happiness in the future.

Two very different reactions to death and grief.

I found this fascinating, the two different ways people can grieve.

Both of these ways need to be respected.

I feel like I grieve the way Charmain grieves.  I obviously miss Jeff tremendously but I refuse to be beaten.  I forge through and attempt my very best to be happy.

That doesn't mean my way is the right way, but it also doesn't mean my way is the wrong way, it's just my way.

I feel like some people in my family and some of my friends are hostile towards me, the same way Houdini had been towards Charmain, about the way I grieve.  I think this has been one of the biggest obstacles I have faced regarding some of my relationships with people since Jeff died.

Sometimes I feel judged by certain people because I am not grieving the way "I'm supposed to."

I wish those who grieve the way Houdini grieves would not judge the way those who grieve like Charmain grieve.  People who are grieving, no matter how it is done, need to be respected and not judged.  Grief is hard enough to deal with, those who grieve do not need others judgement on top of their grief.

Why So Critical?

It's interesting being a couple years into widowhood that I'm now hearing about all of the criticism people have over what I said or did when Jeff died.

I don't understand why people who say they love me and care about me so much, who just want me to be happy, also criticize or hold me accountable for things I said while I was in the deepest, darkest grief.

I was just trying to survive people.  I don't even remember the first year very well.  There were definitely things that stood out but I guess what I'm trying to say is, please cut me a little bit of a break regarding things I may have said after Jeff died regarding how I was going to live my life.

The roller coaster of emotions I was going through definitely altered my viewpoints and I was, and am, forever altered.  I might have adamantly stated that I would never do certain things and I may have not been where I should have been or done what I should have done, but I was also adjusting to the loss of my best friend, partner, lover and my entire life path.

I'm not saying I should get a total pass, but maybe people could try to let it go and understand that while a person is in the unreachable chasm of grief, they may say or do things that they don't mean or they may have since changed their mind about the way they want to live their life.

I am finding myself being criticized for things I said and did months or even years ago that I don't even remember saying or doing and having to apologize.  I am willing to apologize, but once it's all said and done, can we please just let it go?

When I say that my mind has changed since then, that I'm now in a different place from where I was right after Jeff died, can we please accept that?

Here are some lessons that I've learned since Jeff died:

I need to hold myself accountable for the things I say and do.

I need to apologize if I have accidentally hurt someone else because of what I have said or done, even though I know in my heart that was not my intent.

I need to be less critical of others and what they have said or done in the past or what they will say or do in the future.

I need to not take things so personally or be defensive, even if I feel that I am being treated unfairly.

I also need to let things go once all is said and done.

It's critical that I remember and make these into habit now so when others are critical of me, I don't feel so criticized.

The Thing Is

THE THING IS

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face 

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes, and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

- Ellen Bass

6 Minutes Wrestling With Life

"There is a club in this world that you do not join knowingly.  One day you are just a member.  It is 'The life changing events club.'  The fee to join the club is hurt beyond belief, payable in full, up front for a lifetime membership.  The benefit of the club is a newfound perspective on life, and a deep understanding that you may not be happy about your current situation, but you can be happy in your current situation.  The only rule to the club is that you cannot tell anyone that you are a member.  The club does not provide a directory of its members, but when you look into a member's eye, you can tell that they too are part of the club.  Members are allowed to exchange that brief eye contact that says: 'I didn't know.' Being a member of this club is the last thing that anyone initially wants in their life.  Being a member of this club is the best thing that ever happens to a person in their life, and there is not a person in the club that would ever give up their membership.  If you really look and know what you are looking for, you can spot the club's members; they are the ones that provide a random act of kindess and do something for someone who can never repay them for what they have done.  They are the people spreading joy and optimism and lifting people's spirits even when their own heart has been broken.  I have paid my dues; my lifetime membership arrived today, not by mail, but by a deep inner feeling that I cannot describe.  It is the best club that I never wanted to be a part of.  But I am glad that I am a member.

-John Passaro, 6 Minutes Wrestling With Life

Say What You Need to Say

I had an awesome conversation with my mom the other day.

I know we still have time left, hopefully years, but I've learned my lesson from Jeff.  I felt I said what I needed to say to him and heard what I needed to hear from him for the most part, but there are still some things I wish I would have asked and things I now know I needed to hear to help me heal after he was gone.

So, I said what I needed to say to my mom and I also told her the things I talked to Jeff about that I'm glad I got to hear and also the things I wish I would have asked that I felt I needed to hear now that he's gone.

There were a few tears during this conversation but mostly it was lighthearted with some laughs about a very serious and heavy topic. I'm so lucky that my mom is such an easy person to open up to and I feel like she had the opportunity to open up to me.

One of the hardest, yet most important things we talked about was what she was thinking in regards to the end of her life and how she would like to pass. Ultimately, that is her decision and I understand and respect her when she says that she wants to think about it and discuss it with my dad before she makes a final decision.

Going through what I went through with Jeff, I know I am strong enough to let her go before I am ready to let her go, no matter how much I want to keep her here in the physical world.  Although we may suffer tremendously in losing her, ultimately, it's her decision and no person has the right to interfere with her decision so it's important that she communicates what she wants to the people who have the power to make the decision if she is unable to voice what she wants near the end.  I asked her to have these conversations with my dad and sister as well as any other family members that she thought might need it.

I feel like I said what I needed to say and heard what I needed to hear. And with so much time left with her, I will be able to have even more things to say and hear even more things I need to hear to be able to heal once she finally leaves us for a much better place.

A Different Cycle

With cancer there is a cycle of discovery, fear, hope, and, in Jeff's case, eventual loss.

With MSA the cycle is discovery, fear, and eventual loss.  There is no chance for hope.  It is incurable, with no possibility of remission.

So that means we have to create our own hope.

• Hope that we enjoy every last finite moment with Mom
• Hope that she does not suffer too much
• Hope that her quality of life is greater than quantity of life
• Hope that Jeff and Grandma will be waiting for her when she's ready
• Hope that we are unselfish enough to tell her that she can go and leave her wasted body
• Hope that we are strong enough to go on without her and find happiness again.

Mom Has MSA

I mentioned previously that my mom has been having health problems for the past couple years, pretty much since Jeff died. Well, we finally have a diagnosis after two years and an enormous amount of testing:

Mom has Multiple System Atrophy (MSA) or what used to be called Shy-Drager Syndrome.   MSA or Shy-Drager syndrome is a rare condition that causes progressive damage to the autonomic nervous system.  It is a progressive neurodegenerative disease.  There is no cure and no remission.  There is no treatment for MSA itself, they just treat the symptoms.

I have so many emotions yet feel numb at the same time.

I want to say at least it's not cancer, but then again, at least cancer can be treated and go into remission.

Somehow, my mom managed to get something worse than cancer.

It's All About Attitude

Life is all about attitude.  Positive attitude equals positive life, right?

Sometimes it's hard when a widow hears these kinds of words.  We are in the pits of despair and someone tells us that we just need to cheer up and have a positive attitude and our lives will be better.  Like everything will magically become delicious like lucky charms or something.

Ummm...I don't think so.  Our husband died: our best friend, our lover, our partner, our life.  Who we were before is gone so it's practically impossible to think positively.

I definitely get it, there are times where I just literally couldn't pick myself up off the ground.

But I do have to say that I agree with this statement.  I want to whine and complain and throw a temper tantrum and play the woe-is-me-widow-card when I'm having a rough day (I know I definitely have at times) but then I also remember that I only have this one life to live and, even though it's pretty sucky at the moment, I am the only one who can control my reactions to my situation.

Bad things happen to everyone, it's their reaction to the bad things that makes the difference.  I very well couldn't control what happened to Jeff but I can control my reaction.

A few months after Jeff died, when I was going through a particularly tough spell, my therapist asked me if I wanted to stay where I was at that moment and be stagnant.  When I replied no, he then gave me a terrible homework assignment.  But, even though I absolutely hated that homework assignment at the time, it helped me climb out of my deep dark hole eventually.

If I don't like something I need to change it, and if I can't change it, then I need to change my attitude about it.

So, even though this whole "positive attitude equals positive life" thing angers and frustrates me sometimes, I have to admit that it's true.

I can't change the fact that Jeff died.  What I can change is how I choose to live my life.

Celine Dion

Another celebrity joins the club.

I've posted previously on Kathy Lee Gifford and Sheryl Sandberg and the compassion I have for them beginning their own private road and journey through grief.  Celine Dion not only lost her husband, but she also lost her brother.

I know first hand what I went through the first few hours, days, weeks, months, and now years and I do not envy them, just like I'm sure people did not envy me.  It is a long road, one that I'm still on and still struggle with.

In reading about Celine Dion, I came across this awesome article.  Here are some of the major bullets from it and my thoughts:

• You're going to be ok:
• It's hard to tell someone that they are going to be ok when they have no idea if that statement is actually true, but I still believe that everything in the long run, will turn out to be ok.  That doesn't mean that it will be what you thought it would be, and that, in itself, is ok.
• I felt so much guilt right after Jeff was diagnosed knowing that I was going to be ok.  I knew deep down that I would survive and be happy at some point after all the pain.  That is my own guilt monster I'm still overcoming at times. 
• You can reinvent your life:
• This is the scariest yet most empowering statement.  In the beginning stages you don't even want to think about changing, you just want what you once had back.  But everything and everyone changes in life.  You have to make your life into something that makes you happy even if that means letting go of the things that keep you tied to your previous life with your husband.  I know it's scary but it's important to figure out what you really want and go for it.
• There will sometimes not be an answer:
• This is one of the hardest things to come to terms with.  You can beat yourself up with the "why" question: "why me, why now, why us, why him, why, why, why?" but it doesn't really help, it just keeps you stagnant in a dark place.  Come to terms that you will not get an answer.  
• The pain will get better with time:
• I was so afraid that this statement wasn't going to be true for me.  But a little over two years in, and I have to say that it is true.  Time just keeps ticking and one day you look back and you realize that yesterday was better than the day before regarding the pain you carry in your heart.  That pain will never be fully gone, but I like to compare it to a dull knife.  It is so sharp in the beginning and draws enormous amounts of blood, but over time the knife dulls and less blood is drawn and now it's just a dull ache or sting.
• You are stronger than you realize:
• You may not feel strong, I know there are times where I definitely don't feel strong, but I know I am strong.  You will continue to get stronger slowly but surely.  Unfortunately, the worst thing that has ever happened to you, the thing that you think you just cannot handle, has made you stronger and will continue to make you stronger.
• You have resources:
• In this day and age, there are all kinds of resources you can use. There really is something for everyone.  If you are a social person (family, friends, grief support groups, therapy, online forums for grief, etc.) or if you prefer to be alone (widow blogs, grief literature in the form of pamphlets or books, one on one therapy, journaling, etc.) there are resources for you, use them!  There is nothing wrong with asking for help.  Sit down and decide what type of help you need, then ask for it.  I used every single one of these resources and they were a tremendous help to me.
• You can choose your attitude:
• Think about the things you still have to be grateful for.  In the beginning this is really hard but with time and practice it gets easier.  Then, you start focusing on the positive and what's still good in your life and less on the negative and you'll be surprised at how this carries over into day to day living.  Even if it's only one thing in the beginning (family, friends, pets, job, where you live, the sun shining on your face, the moon glowing at night, your car, anything.  If you literally can't think of one thing you are grateful for, please reinvent your life)
• Now that you have experienced the death of someone so close to you, you may have realized that life is short, you might as well make that life as happy as possible.  Choose to not waste time being miserable and sad.  Choose instead to try and smile and find something that makes you happy.
• Choose to have a positive attitude.

Full Circle

My cousin has been living with me for a year now.

I feel fortunate that my cousin lives with me.

I lived with my cousin for three years before moving in with Jeff.  When I moved in with Brian, he had broken up with his girlfriend so it worked out perfectly for both of us.  I needed to move out of my parents' house and he needed help with the rent.  His son was only a year old when I moved in and was four when I moved out to live with Jeff.

My cousin and I are only about a year apart and we have always gotten along really well.  He's just such an easy going person and so handy around the house.  The under-cabinet microwave went out a few weeks ago and I thought it would cost a fortune to have someone replace it, but Brian did it.  Jeff and I didn't even know how to use his drill so I know Jeff was looking down and smiling that someone was finally using his drill properly.

Unfortunately, when I moved in with Jeff it was hard to stay close with Brian, we just had such different lives and we only saw each other on major holidays for the next nine years or so.

A little over a year after Jeff died, Brian had broken up with another girlfriend and needed a place to live.  He was only supposed to move in for about 6 months but we have realized how beneficial the situation is for both of us and I'm hoping that he stays for a while longer. 

We both have such different schedules, he works retail and I keep teacher hours so sometimes we go days without seeing each other.  His son is now an 8th grader and he has a stepson that's in 7th grade and Brian takes care of his nephew part time as well, who is in 2nd grade. The kids bring me joy.  Even though I only see them every so often, they bring such life to the house.  They're always wrestling and joking and in such good moods.  I try to help them with homework when I can and when they allow me to (I'm such a teacher!).  It's awesome to see them practically grown up after spending so much time with them when they were toddlers.

Where we are now is different yet strangely the same.  Of course our lives have changed in the last decade or so but they have also stayed the same in that we both still get along so well and we are living so seamlessly with each other again, like we picked up where we left off before Jeff. 

Brian and I have discussed how strange it is to have come full circle like this.  We were roommates before Jeff and are roommates again after Jeff.  I'm glad Brian and I have been able to help each other.

Full circle with family.