Thursday, January 28, 2016

When You Find Yourself Struggling

Even though I'm two years into my grief, there are still times that I struggle.  I know this is completely normal.

I know I'm not the only person who struggles and I can't help but think about all the people who struggle in everyday life even though they haven't lost their spouse.

Something that I consistently do is try to read and watch positive things, whether they are books, articles, quotes, signs, movies, or shows, and surround myself with upbeat, supportive people.

I try to stay away from horror movies, sad stories and shows, and anything else that could potentially snowball into sadness, anxiety, or depression.  I always say, life is hard enough, why do I want to spend my free time when I'm happy, watching or reading something that would make me sad?

But sometimes, all of those upbeat and constructive things just aren't enough.  If you're like me and you find yourself struggling, consider these 5 powerful affirmations to help you get through, to help you think positively, to refocus.  I know they help me!

Another thing I do is I try to wake up every morning thanking the universe, Jeff, the angels, the world, (and any other entity) for the things that are good in my life.  This reminds me to focus on all things positive and it's a great way to start the day.

It's also a good way to remind ourselves that even though we may endure tough times, there is a lot in life that is positive.


Friday, January 22, 2016

A Gift

I can't believe it!  I just found a card Jeff had given to me on one of my birthdays.  It was in the second drawer of my nightstand, a place I keep my facial tissues.  I've been in that drawer I don't know how many times and never noticed it, but I saw it last night and pulled it out. I don't know which birthday it was for because it wasn't dated.  It was a beautiful card with a sentimental note and then he wrote his own note.  It was truly a gift.

There is absolutely nothing like finding a card or any little scrap of paper that has his distinctive handwriting on it.  It is the most unbelievable gift, especially two years since he's been gone.  Finding something truly new, something I didn't know was there and had completely forgotten about, is almost like having him back.  And it's just so weird to find something like this in a place I look at frequently.

Anytime anyone posts a new picture of him on Facebook, or tells me a story about him that I've never heard before, or posts a short video of him being his typical hilarious self that I've never seen before, or when I find a card from him when I think I've found every last card he gave me, can only be described as a gift.  It's like he's giving it to me for the first time.  It's like he's still here because I'm still learning something new about him.

I think that's really one of the hardest parts about death.  Our experiences and encounters are now finite.  It's like you got what you got and hopefully it was enough, until the day you somehow get a gift and you're seeing a new-to-you picture/video, a long ago forgotten card or note, or hearing a new story.

So thank you Jeff.  Thank you for every card you ever gave me and thank you for keeping every card I ever gave you and stashing them like a scavenger hunt around the house so I can still find them two years after you're gone.

And thank you for finding a way to tell me that you still love me.  I know that you love me but it's always nice to be reminded.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Grief and Food

I am a food lover.  I have always loved food.  It used to drive Jeff crazy when we would be eating breakfast and I would ask him what he wanted for dinner.  He couldn't believe as we were eating one meal that I was already thinking two meals ahead, but that's just how I've always been.

I've also always been a fat and happy kind of girl.  I find food to be the epitome of love and happiness.  I enjoy cooking and baking for others.  I enjoy nourishing those that I love.  I prefer to eat in groups and celebrate life and each other through food.

Anytime anything was stressful or traumatic in my life I lost interest in food.  I would lose weight and it was ironic that I was complimented on how great I looked physically when I was feeling my absolute worst emotionally.

When Jeff died, I, of course, lost interest in food.  Food was such a huge part of our life.  I usually made dinner 4-5 times a week for us and I loved the idea that he was coming home from a long day of delivering packages for UPS to a hot, home-cooked meal, made by me with love.

He had just started getting in to cooking the last few years we were together.  He had a couple of signature dishes he liked to make and one of my favorite pictures of him is when he was standing over a big pot of his spaghetti sauce with a huge smile on his face.

Every fall, spring, or summer break I was on, he would try and take a week off of work and that was when we would plan on going to all of our favorite restaurants and delis that we didn't go to while we were working.  I was definitely fat and happy.

I tried my best to heal him through food after he was diagnosed.  I bought a cancer fighting cookbook and tried all kinds of new and crazy recipes.  I started making him these crazy organic smoothies that he absolutely hated.  So after he died, I had no motivation to cook.  I had tried so hard to save him through food and failed.  Plus, there wasn't anyone to cook for.  I used to be so creative and try all kinds of new recipes and that passion was just gone.

But at least I was eating since Jeff's parents were with me the first couple months and his mom did all the cooking.  Then when they moved out, Jeff's brother moved in and I was cooking for him but the real joy of cooking was gone.  What I used to find so enjoyable and a form of mediation just turned into a chore.

When Jeff's brother moved out, I had a really hard time cooking because there really wasn't anyone to cook for other than myself and cooking for just me was never something I enjoyed.  I always cooked for a crowd and any of our friends can attest that Jeff and I definitely ate like we were a crowd.  It was funny though that I would still grocery shop like I was still feeding a crowd.  I was on autopilot maybe, still buying food like I had someone to cook for.  So after a few months of that my pantry and freezer were packed and that was a sad sight because I knew that nobody was eating any of it.

What began to get me out of my rut is a meal program called Blue Apron.  It sends all of the ingredients needed for three meals a week to my house complete with a recipe card.  This has allowed me to go through the motions of cooking creatively but without all the thinking and planning.  I have enjoyed using Blue Apron and feel like it has helped me tremendously by just getting me back in the kitchen and allowing me to regain those skills and use those muscles again and it feels good.

I still have a hard time being creative and thinking of things to cook on my own.  I'm better now and I am actually looking at new recipes again but I still don't have the motivation to actually make them unless it's a Blue Apron meal.  I just save them in a pile on my counter top hoping one day I will find that motivation again and have a passion for creative cooking.

I am hopeful that I will one day get back into it on my own.  It helps that Wyoming is a real foodie too but he is the one who enjoys doing all the cooking and I have just been letting him do it all when we are together.  I am letting someone else nourish me and I can see how happy it makes him, just like how happy it made me to nourish Jeff.