Let It Go

Truth

"Death alters the reality of our lives;

the death of an intimate changes it completely.

No part of life,

from my most ethereal notions of God 

to the most mundane detail of tooth brushing, 

was the same after Drew died.

Life consisted on one rending novelty after another,

as anyone who has lost a spouse can attest."

-Kate Braestrup from Here if You Need Me

Two Ways of Grief

In reading a widow blog, I came across this post about Grief and Houdini, which I found very interesting and enlightening.

The widow read the book The Secret Life of Houdini - The Making of America's First Superhero by William Kalush and Larry Sloman, which described Houdini as extremely devoted to his mother and then deeply affected by her death.  Even five years after her death, he still suffered great feelings of loss.

Houdini was friends with The Call of the Wild author Jack London and his wife, Charmian.  Jack London died at age 40.  Charmain attended one of Houdini's shows 11 months later and Houdini appeared shocked and upset that she was looking "so well and blooming" that soon after her husband's death.  She responded to Houdini defiantly "I REFUSE to be beaten!  I am going to put in whatever years life still hold for me as profitably in the pursuit of happiness as I possibly can.  You have lost and suffered.  Am I not right in my attitude?"

Houdini doesn't feel his friend's wife should be "over" her grief, while Charmain has adopted a mindset of moving forward despite her pain and looking for happiness in the future.

Two very different reactions to death and grief.

I found this fascinating, the two different ways people can grieve.

Both of these ways need to be respected.

I feel like I grieve the way Charmain grieves.  I obviously miss Jeff tremendously but I refuse to be beaten.  I forge through and attempt my very best to be happy.

That doesn't mean my way is the right way, but it also doesn't mean my way is the wrong way, it's just my way.

I feel like some people in my family and some of my friends are hostile towards me, the same way Houdini had been towards Charmain, about the way I grieve.  I think this has been one of the biggest obstacles I have faced regarding some of my relationships with people since Jeff died.

Sometimes I feel judged by certain people because I am not grieving the way "I'm supposed to."

I wish those who grieve the way Houdini grieves would not judge the way those who grieve like Charmain grieve.  People who are grieving, no matter how it is done, need to be respected and not judged.  Grief is hard enough to deal with, those who grieve do not need others judgement on top of their grief.

Why So Critical?

It's interesting being a couple years into widowhood that I'm now hearing about all of the criticism people have over what I said or did when Jeff died.

I don't understand why people who say they love me and care about me so much, who just want me to be happy, also criticize or hold me accountable for things I said while I was in the deepest, darkest grief.

I was just trying to survive people.  I don't even remember the first year very well.  There were definitely things that stood out but I guess what I'm trying to say is, please cut me a little bit of a break regarding things I may have said after Jeff died regarding how I was going to live my life.

The roller coaster of emotions I was going through definitely altered my viewpoints and I was, and am, forever altered.  I might have adamantly stated that I would never do certain things and I may have not been where I should have been or done what I should have done, but I was also adjusting to the loss of my best friend, partner, lover and my entire life path.

I'm not saying I should get a total pass, but maybe people could try to let it go and understand that while a person is in the unreachable chasm of grief, they may say or do things that they don't mean or they may have since changed their mind about the way they want to live their life.

I am finding myself being criticized for things I said and did months or even years ago that I don't even remember saying or doing and having to apologize.  I am willing to apologize, but once it's all said and done, can we please just let it go?

When I say that my mind has changed since then, that I'm now in a different place from where I was right after Jeff died, can we please accept that?

Here are some lessons that I've learned since Jeff died:

I need to hold myself accountable for the things I say and do.

I need to apologize if I have accidentally hurt someone else because of what I have said or done, even though I know in my heart that was not my intent.

I need to be less critical of others and what they have said or done in the past or what they will say or do in the future.

I need to not take things so personally or be defensive, even if I feel that I am being treated unfairly.

I also need to let things go once all is said and done.

It's critical that I remember and make these into habit now so when others are critical of me, I don't feel so criticized.

The Thing Is

THE THING IS

to love life, to love it even

when you have no stomach for it

and everything you've held dear

crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,

your throat filled with the silt of it.

When grief sits with you, its tropical heat

thickening the air, heavy as water

more fit for gills than lungs;

when grief weights you like your own flesh

only more of it, an obesity of grief,

you think, How can a body withstand this?

Then you hold life like a face 

between your palms, a plain face,

no charming smile, no violet eyes, and you say, yes, I will take you

I will love you, again.

- Ellen Bass