Wednesday, May 18, 2016
Poor Widow
I've been reading a widow blog recently.
She has struggled so much more than I have regarding the loss of her husband, the loss of her mother soon after, a remarriage that ultimately ended in divorce, the loss of her home from financial difficulties, the estrangement she is experiencing with her siblings and other family members, and trying to raise her two teenage sons, while desperately trying to make ends meet financially, all feeling extremely alone with no support.
She constantly complains about how hard her life is, how she can't find the strength to go on, how unfair it is that she lost everything and others surrounding her are so much more fortunate than her. She actually takes pleasure in hearing about other women whose lives have been altered by either divorce and/or death because then she doesn't feel so alone in her struggles and grief.
She has admitted that she is a pessimistic person by nature, a constant worrier, but also a nurturer who does not take any time for herself although she knows she should. I think she may be a Houdini type griever.
Recently, she wrote, "The Rabbi Peseach Krauss advises in "Why Me? Coping With Grief, Loss And Change" that it is futile to tell people what they're doing wrong when they are in the midst of feeling grief and despair. They will not be able to accept or process any advice. The key is to provide sympathy such as 'I hear your frustration and upset in regard to the unfairness of life. And I know you are dealing with these painful feelings in an effort to get through and beyond them.' He also believes that there are those of us who will reach for the light and those of us who will get buried in our bitterness, pain and hurt. I admire the great many of you who are valiantly moving toward and living in the light. The jury is still out on which direction I'm going to end up."
Hopefully looking back she has seen that even though she felt she couldn't go on, she did go on. She continued to wake up and face each day and not only get through it but also succeed, even if she didn't feel she did.
I feel sorry for her mainly because of her struggles but also how she inherently thinks and feels. She has stated that she is naturally pessimistic, she says she needs a man to lean on, that she absolutely detests sleeping in an empty bed and waking up alone, and also that she is more of a dependent person. She feels like remarrying again will solve her problems.
I don't think she ever learned how to self-soothe, which is what leads to her dependence on others, and when others don't meet her expectations, she is bitter, resentful, angry, and hugely disappointed, which sends her down a spiral into depression and grief. The thing is, she recognizes all of this in herself and is valiantly trying to feel better. I applaud her for that. I applaud her for her bravery in admitting her faults not only to herself but to the world through her blog.
In reading her struggles, I realize that I am very lucky to be a Charmain type griever, and even though I definitely endure my fair share of struggles, I tend to be able to get through and beyond them and not get buried by bitterness, pain, and hurt (although I have to admit, I definitely do struggle with anger when others don't meet my expectations or disappoint me). Through a lot of work with self-reflection, physical exercise, therapy, and focusing on the people in my life who are inspiring and supportive, I try very hard and am able to see the light.
I wish she was able to realize that she is also doing the work of self-reflection, physical exercise, and therapy in order to cope and survive. I just wish she could see that she is in the light by even recognizing what she needs and where she currently is in her mental and emotional state.
These are enlightening revelations. She is currently living in the midst of grief and despair and she recognizes that, but also realizes that nothing anybody tells her will help her, just them being there to listen is enough. She must climb out of the dark chasm of grief herself like we all must, but it is definitely comforting knowing that someone is there with us during our struggles even if they might not necessarily be able to help us out.
She hasn't blogged now for a very long time. I hope she is at peace, but I also know that life doesn't always end happily ever after for everyone.
She has struggled so much more than I have regarding the loss of her husband, the loss of her mother soon after, a remarriage that ultimately ended in divorce, the loss of her home from financial difficulties, the estrangement she is experiencing with her siblings and other family members, and trying to raise her two teenage sons, while desperately trying to make ends meet financially, all feeling extremely alone with no support.
She constantly complains about how hard her life is, how she can't find the strength to go on, how unfair it is that she lost everything and others surrounding her are so much more fortunate than her. She actually takes pleasure in hearing about other women whose lives have been altered by either divorce and/or death because then she doesn't feel so alone in her struggles and grief.
She has admitted that she is a pessimistic person by nature, a constant worrier, but also a nurturer who does not take any time for herself although she knows she should. I think she may be a Houdini type griever.
Recently, she wrote, "The Rabbi Peseach Krauss advises in "Why Me? Coping With Grief, Loss And Change" that it is futile to tell people what they're doing wrong when they are in the midst of feeling grief and despair. They will not be able to accept or process any advice. The key is to provide sympathy such as 'I hear your frustration and upset in regard to the unfairness of life. And I know you are dealing with these painful feelings in an effort to get through and beyond them.' He also believes that there are those of us who will reach for the light and those of us who will get buried in our bitterness, pain and hurt. I admire the great many of you who are valiantly moving toward and living in the light. The jury is still out on which direction I'm going to end up."
Hopefully looking back she has seen that even though she felt she couldn't go on, she did go on. She continued to wake up and face each day and not only get through it but also succeed, even if she didn't feel she did.
I feel sorry for her mainly because of her struggles but also how she inherently thinks and feels. She has stated that she is naturally pessimistic, she says she needs a man to lean on, that she absolutely detests sleeping in an empty bed and waking up alone, and also that she is more of a dependent person. She feels like remarrying again will solve her problems.
I don't think she ever learned how to self-soothe, which is what leads to her dependence on others, and when others don't meet her expectations, she is bitter, resentful, angry, and hugely disappointed, which sends her down a spiral into depression and grief. The thing is, she recognizes all of this in herself and is valiantly trying to feel better. I applaud her for that. I applaud her for her bravery in admitting her faults not only to herself but to the world through her blog.
In reading her struggles, I realize that I am very lucky to be a Charmain type griever, and even though I definitely endure my fair share of struggles, I tend to be able to get through and beyond them and not get buried by bitterness, pain, and hurt (although I have to admit, I definitely do struggle with anger when others don't meet my expectations or disappoint me). Through a lot of work with self-reflection, physical exercise, therapy, and focusing on the people in my life who are inspiring and supportive, I try very hard and am able to see the light.
I wish she was able to realize that she is also doing the work of self-reflection, physical exercise, and therapy in order to cope and survive. I just wish she could see that she is in the light by even recognizing what she needs and where she currently is in her mental and emotional state.
These are enlightening revelations. She is currently living in the midst of grief and despair and she recognizes that, but also realizes that nothing anybody tells her will help her, just them being there to listen is enough. She must climb out of the dark chasm of grief herself like we all must, but it is definitely comforting knowing that someone is there with us during our struggles even if they might not necessarily be able to help us out.
She hasn't blogged now for a very long time. I hope she is at peace, but I also know that life doesn't always end happily ever after for everyone.
Monday, May 9, 2016
Love and Grief
"There is only one way for you
To live without grief in your lifetime; that is
To exist without love. Your grief represents
Your humanness, just as your love does."
- Carol Staudacher
Monday, May 2, 2016
Back to School
According to Wyoming we will be celebrating our first year together on May 11th. He is such a sentimental and romantic guy, he knows the exact date because it's the first day we sent non-eHarmony emails to each other.
He will be flying into town the weekend after May 11th and he picked out a restaurant here in San Diego that I've never been to that is right on the water.
He even got a new suit for the occasion, which means I need to get a dress!
Every once in a while, Jeff liked to make a reservation at a fancy steak house or Italian restaurant and we would have a night out on the town and get all dolled up, but usually we stayed home and cooked something wonderful (well he usually grilled and I cooked side dishes and dessert) and hung out in our sweats and got fat; that's how we usually celebrated.
I was mentioning this to a really good friends' mom, who I go out to dinner with frequently and who has always given me phenomenal advice and support. Here's the conversation:
Me: Wyoming likes the finer things in life. I feel I need to step my game up. Jeff never even owned a suit and Wyoming has a couple already and he just bought a new one for this occasion!
Her: It certainly will not hurt you to get dressed up. You need to enjoy the finer things that Wyoming wants to share with you.
I just got schooled, as usual!
He will be flying into town the weekend after May 11th and he picked out a restaurant here in San Diego that I've never been to that is right on the water.
He even got a new suit for the occasion, which means I need to get a dress!
Every once in a while, Jeff liked to make a reservation at a fancy steak house or Italian restaurant and we would have a night out on the town and get all dolled up, but usually we stayed home and cooked something wonderful (well he usually grilled and I cooked side dishes and dessert) and hung out in our sweats and got fat; that's how we usually celebrated.
I was mentioning this to a really good friends' mom, who I go out to dinner with frequently and who has always given me phenomenal advice and support. Here's the conversation:
Me: Wyoming likes the finer things in life. I feel I need to step my game up. Jeff never even owned a suit and Wyoming has a couple already and he just bought a new one for this occasion!
Her: It certainly will not hurt you to get dressed up. You need to enjoy the finer things that Wyoming wants to share with you.
I just got schooled, as usual!
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