My Guilt Monster Hasn't Killed Me

This post by Poor Widow Me had me thinking about my own guilt monster.  Poor Widow Me's way of thinking really helps me in fighting my guilt monster.

Die of a Broken Heart? Not me - I'd Rather Be Run Over By A Bus!

The other night an old friend said: "My mother passed away ten years ago.  Within six months my Dad died, too.  He died of a broken heart."

I asked her how old he was.  "84" was her answer.  I felt a mean smile coming on so I picked up my wine glass to hide behind.  Since my lips were hovering by the rim I took several quick sips.   Now the Cabernet buzz made my big mouth blurt out:

"Well, at 84 anything can happen.  It's almost a decade past life expectancy."

Her face contorted like I had smacked her.  She moved her head from side to side as if to shake out my stinging words.  

"There was nothing wrong with him! There was nothing wrong with him! There was nothing wrong with him!" 

Was she trying to convince me, herself or a jury? 

Fortunately for us both the mature part of me woke up and whispered, "What are you doing, Carol?  She's been romantasizing her father's death for years. Must you destroy that to make a point?"  I almost answered, "Yes, I must!"  But, I didn't. I let it go. 

It didn't let go of me, though.  I fretted the rest of the weekend. It was a natural weekend to fret, though.  Jimmy will be gone four years tomorrow, the 13th. The week, or few days before a death anniversary brings me back to a more vunerable place.

This dying of a broken heart question actually was nicely timed.
Why waste depression?

And why was this such a strong issue for me?  I thought Friendly's Chocolate Cookie Dough ice-cream might hold the answer. It did!  Halfway into my third scoop I had a brain freeze, and when I winced it sent me a message. 

I DIDN'T DIE WHEN JIMMY DIED.  MAYBE MY HEART WASN'T BROKEN.  MAYBE IT WAS JUST CRACKED! GOD, MY HEAD HURTS!

But, that thought and brain freeze only lasted a moment or two. By the time I put my dish in the dishwasher I was free of them both. 

Human beings keep breathing.  This is what we do. We suffer all sorts of bad stuff in our lives and like my fortune cookie told me: "A woman is like a teabag, you never know how strong she is until she gets into hot water."  I'd like to think this goes for men, too.

Still, I began to ask around.  My friend, whose parents are both in their 80's, told me she was sure if her Mom went first her Dad would die in a few months.  "Oh, please," I said, "Don't put that kind of pressure on him."

Today I posted, "Can you die of a broken heart? (literally) to my Facebook friends - 25 widows and widowers responded YES although I tried to point out that they were alive enough to type.  Some insisted that medically it's a fact - Grieving makes your immune system break down.  Yes, so maybe you'll get a cold or the flu.

Finally, Mickey, (a widower) wrote, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  If you don't believe that you're not dying of a broken heart, you're committing suicide." 

Doesn't that sound sane?

Let's stop this knee jerk reaction and take a step towards healing. In an effort to support one another through rough times are we really helping or feeding that "Poor Widow Me" mentality? 

Personally, I don't want the legacy of being so weak that I died of a broken heart.  I'd rather be hit by a bus...on the way to a party.

I'm with Poor Widow Me, I'd rather be hit by a bus than be killed by my guilt monster!   

What a Whirlwind Summer

Well, it's a new school year. Another reminder that time just keeps on ticking.

I've had a great summer break filled with lots of different things.

I got to spend some good quality time with my mom, helping her go through her things and figure out who to give things to and what to donate.  Overall, it's a sad experience because this needed to be done since she's dying and she wants to be able to complete this chore so we don't have to do it after she's gone. 

It was hard, sweaty work going through closets and boxes and bags of stuff. But I tried to push the sad feelings back and enjoy the nostalgic moments we shared. Some of the items and clothes I had never seen before or didn't remember so she was able to tell me her story about them or remind me about them.  Some of the stuff was from my childhood, especially since my sister and I both came home from the hospital to that house and spent our entire lives there until we moved out on our own. It was a good experience with no crying, just a lot of laughter and love and I'm eternally grateful I got to do this "chore" with her.  I realize that this might become my most treasured memory that she could give me.

I got to do a lot of traveling this summer as well: Estes Park, Las Vegas, Denver, Julian, and of course, Wyoming.  I also went camping three times.  I didn't think I would enjoy camping at all but it kind of grew on me.  I have definitely realized that two nights of camping, even with an air mattress, is my max!

I went through enormous stacks of documents deciding what needed to be shredded and what needed to be filed. Not a fun job but a necessary one.  Once it was done and those stacks of papers aren't cluttering the counter tops and piled up in the garage, that purge, felt good and I feel lighter now that it's finally completed.

I still had a couple of things on my necessary to-do list that didn't get done, like going to the dentist, going to the doctor for my annual checkup, and updating my will, which hasn't been changed since Jeff died.  I guess those things will need to be fit in during the school year or moved to my fall break to-do list.

Overall, I had a fantastic whirlwind six week summer break filled with a ton of fun and a sprinkling of necessary chores.  I think that was a good balance.

Now it's over and I'm back to fresh faced middle schoolers who will attempt to suck the life out of me.  But, just like my necessary summer chores, I'm ready for the challenge.

Bye, bye summer break!

Accepting Loss

"Whatever else, stabilizing your life means realizing that life as you knew it will never be the same.  The relationship you had, the person you loved, or the job you enjoyed are now gone.  Those relationships, people, and activities organized your life in certain ways.  Now that organization has changed.  To live in a new reality-based life, you must create a new vision based on how your loss has transformed you -  how the experience of loss has changed you as a person, as a partner, as a worker, and so on.  Only by accepting the loss and its consequences can you reach understanding, insight, and the potential to move on to the rest of your life.  And as you stabilize your life, you will once again experience the pleasures of living in ways that may have diminished during the grieving process."

-Aleta Koman
 How to Mend a Broken Heart - Letting Go and Moving On - Coping with Breakup - Separation, Divorce, Custody Disputes - Understanding the Stages of Loss - Stabilizing Your Life