Another Birthday

My fall break is coming to an end and another birthday has passed for me.  I'm 37, we found out Jeff had cancer on his 37th birthday.

This year I had a great break and birthday.  The first year after Jeff died was absolutely terrible.  Last year was significantly better than the year before and this year was even better than that.  I feel like I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness, grief, and guilt this year for once. I feel like I was actually happy and at peace naturally, not having to force myself to constantly remember that Jeff would want me to be happy or I should be happy.

This break, I flew out to Denver to meet up with Wyoming, then we drove back to San Diego via New Mexico and Arizona taking a few extra days to see some really cool sites like New Mexico's Carlsbad Caverns (unbelievably cool and we stayed for the bat show, which was totally worth hanging around a couple extra hours instead of heading out), Roswell, New Mexico (very kitchy but nice people), a little tour through White Sands National Park, then a quick lunch stop in Las Cruces, New Mexico (unbelievable hole in the wall Mexican restaurant called La Nueva Casita), and then down into Tucson (where we had a little delay because Wyoming dropped his phone in the hotel pool and we had to visit a Verizon store in Tucson before getting back on the road), then back to good ole San Diego just in time to celebrate my birthday.

I did think of Jeff a lot, but mostly how much he would have hated all of that traveling! Traveling always gave him a lot of anxiety, especially not really having a plan and not knowing where we were going to end up that night. So, needless to say, we didn't travel very often and when we did, I had to do all of the planning.

I miss Jeff, but it's not as painful as it was the previous years. I know it's a bit selfish, but I do have to admit, it is nice to be taken care of and just sit and enjoy seeing new things.

I Miss Him

I charged Jeff's iPhone and just finished spending a few hours reading through text messages between the two of us.  We really were hilarious with each other and the love between us was palpable in those texts.

It was so endearing to see the difference between the years before he was diagnosed and then the 14 months after diagnosis. We would still joke with each other the months after diagnosis, but we were sweeter with each other and I could hear the anxiety in my texts, the desperation and the worry in my texts, as he was beginning to feel worse and worse near the end.

Being able to look back at our words to each other as his symptoms were unfolding...it's unexplainable. My inquiries of how he was feeling were met with honest answers from him as the end drew near. We didn't know the end was that close at the time, but reading our exchanges from the years before diagnosis, then the months following his diagnosis, to the weeks before he died...it's very clear he was declining and I remember how petrified and helpless I felt.

I'm glad I kept his phone so I can have those specific, little, inner details of our life before and during cancer.  I have something to show how often we cracked each other up, supported one another, how a lot of our time revolved around what we were going to eat for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, which for those who know us would all agree that we definitely cared a lot about food, but mainly, these texts show the nuances of our love for each other.  These texts are concrete evidence of the undeniable bond that we shared.

God, I miss him.

She's My Hero

Wendy from "Young, Widowed, and Rebuilding" is still my favorite widow blogger and officially my hero.

I know I've posted about her before but I can't say enough how much she inspires me.  Her latest post made me want to cry happy tears of joy for her and for me as well. 

Reading about her and others like her remind me that life really does go on and that it is okay to be happy again.

Investment Opportunity Part 2

Remember when I mentioned that I met with my financial advisor and we came up with a potential investment opportunity?

Well, now that I'm a little further into the process, I've been discussing this with Wyoming and we are hoping to use this as an opportunity to potentially grow our future together.  We are thinking we could be partners.  I could buy the land and he could develop it.  Of course these are all just ideas and hopes for the future, nothing has been decided yet, and I'm sure there will be all kinds of contracts in place before we move forward, but I feel good about it.

I have some anxiety about this of course and I am working through it but I am really hoping that this means I am making huge steps to move forward in life and in my relationship with Wyoming.