Thursday, December 29, 2016

Three Years

Three years ago today, the world lost the most big hearted, hilarious, bull-in-a-China cabinet.

Jeff, you have been missed every day, remembered every minute, and loved every second since you've been gone by me and everyone who was lucky enough to know you.

I am forever grateful to have had 10 years with you.

Cheers to you Bober.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Last Christmas and This Christmas

Last Christmas I spoke about my mom having health problems and one of my uncles waiting for a lung transplant as well as a cousin who was recovering from a major heart attack, while another was in jail.

Unfortunately, we have more bad news in the family than good news with my mom's terminal illness progressing rapidly and now on hospice as well as my uncle having recently passed from complications from his lung transplant.

But I am trying to focus on the positive.  My cousin has had many close calls and after being in the hospital in and out of the ICU for 4 months, he's finally out and staying with my aunt while awaiting his heart transplant.  My other cousin is out of jail and is working.  We hope it stays that way.

The family is all coming together for Christmas and I'm sure it will be as crazy and chaotic as it has always been but I'm also sure it will be full of love and laughter as well.  Time will continue to march on and we will continue to adapt to change.

I will be leaving for Wyoming on the 27th to spend New Years with Wyoming and will be there over Jeff's third anniversary, which I'm trying to not freak out about. I'm continuing to fight my guilt monster and move forward in life.

The most important thing is to try not to fight the inevitable, to not battle change, to continue to flex and adapt as best as possible so that we may all find peace in our lives.  This Christmas, I wish peace for everyone.

Merry Christmas.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Contact Not a Coincidence

I always want Jeff to make contact with me, to send me little signs, or even big signs that he's still around.  This time he didn't make contact with me, he made it with Wyoming.

Wyoming needed new winter tires so he was doing some research and came across a website that sold a specific tire that he liked. The website had an 888 toll free customer service contact number so he called it to get some information on these tires he was interested in buying. It turned out that nobody answered the customer service number so he hung up and figured he would try again another time. He went back and looked at his call log later in the day and was shocked to see that there was a name attached to the number he had called from the website. A specific persons name showing up on a cell phone call log for a toll free customer service number is very odd. But what really caught his attention was the name itself. It was Jeff's first and last name.

Wyoming was unsure if he wanted to tell me or not and he kind of had a hard time explaining it so he ended up sending me a screen shot of his call log and there it was, Jeff's first and last name next to an 888 toll free customer service number. These kinds of things can't just be coincidences.

I couldn't believe that Jeff was making contact with Wyoming. I was a little shocked and amazed at first.  My immediate reaction was to smile and clap my hands because I was so excited to hear from Jeff. But then my guilt monster told me that Jeff was making contact because I will be in Wyoming over Jeff's third anniversary. I know I needed to fight my guilt monster and the idea that Jeff is not happy with me being with Wyoming over his third year anniversary so I tried to rationalize it as Jeff making contact with Wyoming not me. If Jeff was upset with me, wouldn't he have made contact with me?  He didn't make contact with me, he made it with Wyoming. Maybe this was Jeff's way of saying that he's watching?  Maybe this is Jeff's way of saying hello?  Maybe this was Jeff's way of giving his blessing?

Then I started thinking about how I'm trying to rationalize something that is irrational and reminded myself not to overthink things. But that is a really hard thing for me to do.  I'm just so good at overthinking.

Maybe I shouldn't read into it and just be happy that Jeff made contact.

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Divorce, Death, and Lessons Learned

A couple that I have recently been spending more and more time with was married over the summer.  She works with me at my post-Jeff, teaching job.  She had expressed that they were going to start to try and have a baby soon.  Unfortunately, she just found out that her husband has been cheating on her.  She has only told me and one other mutual friend because she hasn't decided if she is going to seek a divorce or attempt to work it out, not even her family knows.  They are still going to travel across the country to visit his family over the holidays like nothing is wrong. 

I was devastated at hearing her news.  I immediately felt for her because I remember the day we found out that Jeff had stage iv lung cancer.  It was a life altering day.  I know the minute she found out that her husband was cheating was also a life altering day for her as well.

I think that her road will be harder than mine though.  I know that's a strange concept but there was really no decision I had to make, there was no doubt about what happened to Jeff.  I was not confused or betrayed by him.  He was simply gone.

She has to decide if she wants her husband to be gone from her life.  She may always have doubt about whether her decision is the right decision or not.  There will always be another opportunity to attempt to repair their relationship if she decides to leave or to leave the relationship if she decides to stay.  Those kinds of life altering decisions can be paralyzing, especially when closure may be more difficult to come by.

The old me (before learning so many lessons after Jeff's death) would have judged her and demanded that she leave him.  How dare she allow someone to disrespect her like that.  I would have harassed, badgered, and hounded her to think the way I think and do what I think would be best for her life.

I'm just trying to be there for her right now.  I'm proud of myself for just listening, giving my honest opinion, presenting potential scenarios, and then letting it go.  She has thanked me for not judging her and just supporting her.  I told her that I was a different person before Jeff died, that I would have judged her and harassed her to leave her husband.  She said she's glad that I'm not like that anymore and I told her I was glad I'm not like that anymore too, but it took my husband's death to learn those lessons.

I ache for the pain and turmoil that she's feeling, especially during the holidays.  I definitely know pain during the holidays.  These kinds of life altering moments will always be remembered.  With Jeff's three-year anniversary approaching, it's a further reminder that grief comes in many different ways.




Tuesday, December 6, 2016

To Tree or Not to Tree

I keep debating whether or not I want to put up my Christmas tree this year.

The first year after Jeff died I didn't put the tree up.  I couldn't bear to see all of the ornaments that reflected our life together: first Christmas as a married couple, first Christmas in the house together, ornaments I bought on trips we went on together, the ornaments from our honeymoon, and just all of the other ornaments collected in the 10 years we were together.

Last year, I put my tree up.  I cried a little while unwrapping the ornaments and putting them on the tree, but I also spoke to Wyoming the majority of the time I was decorating so that helped a lot.  He listened to the stories from the most touching ornaments and kind of held my hand through it all (as well as one can hold a hand over the phone).  I had also collected some new ornaments through my travels with Wyoming so it was nice to relive those new memories with him as well.  I have to be honest though, it was a little strange to mingle ornaments from my life with Jeff and ornaments from my life with Wyoming on the same tree just two years after Jeff died.  Stupid guilt monster.

This year, I need to go over to my parents house to decorate their Christmas tree since my mom is on hospice and my dad has never been any use regarding decorating for Christmas.  I think that's a lot to handle, decorating two Christmas trees.  Plus, I will be leaving for Wyoming two days after Christmas to spend New Years with Wyoming.  I don't want to have to take down the tree the day after Christmas, especially since I'll be pretty tired from being in charge of organizing Christmas this year and I definitely don't want to deal with taking it down when I get back from Wyoming right before starting second semester.

But I feel like not putting up the tree is a step back.  Like I made a huge step forward last year in putting up the tree and not putting it up this year may be going backwards?

I don't know what I want to do.  I heard recently that the best thing to do in a stressful situation when you're not sure of the next step is to just sit and do nothing, not to plow forward just to do something.

So I'm going to sit on this one for a little while and hopefully the answer will come to me soon.

Monday, December 5, 2016

Leading Up to Three Years

This is the week before finals week for my students.  This is the week Jeff went into the hospital.  He went in Thursday morning because a tumor on his adrenal gland burst and he was in an enormous amount of pain and went into septic shock Wednesday night.

I've been thinking a lot about the days leading up to that week three years ago.  I remember we had finished up with whole brain radiation and his headaches had finally stopped.  He was feeling a lot better since he didn't need all of the pain meds and the steroids gave him a huge appetite.

These memories make me sad but they aren't really disrupting my life or causing an enormous amount of pain.  I haven't cried yet and I haven't had a major anxiety attack.  I'm pretty calm, which is huge growth I think.  The previous two years I have been affected terribly leading up to the anniversary of Jeff's death.  I'm hoping I won't lose it, but it's also hard because I have a little bit of guilt that I'm not losing it.  It's that good old guilt monster showing up again.

I think I am utilizing the skills I've learned over the last few years.  I am not avoiding these memories and I'm not distracting myself from them.  I'm just sitting with them.  I'm planning ahead and not overbooking or stressing out with all of the things that need to be done during the holiday season.  I joined weight watchers to help me maintain my weight and focus on healthy eating, I am keeping up with my regular exercise routine, I am saying yes to the things I want to participate in, and I'm saying no to the things I don't really want to participate in.  I am being very good with time management and making sure that I am not procrastinating with deadlines and allowing myself some downtime as well.

I think overall, I am doing a pretty good job so far.  I'm hoping that the other shoe doesn't drop, especially with my mom on hospice.

I hate cancer for making me a widow.

Friday, December 2, 2016

Rough Start to December

This has been a rough start to December so far.  I know of multiple people who have died in the last couple days.  One cancer death and a couple of heart attacks.

The month of December can already be a rough month for me with holidays, finals and grades, and the anniversary of Jeff's death.

I'm hoping that this doesn't snowball into anything worse leading up to Jeff's 3rd year anniversary.