The Lessons Learned When You Bury Your Husband

Now that I've lived over 3 years without Jeff and my mom is on hospice, I keep telling myself that if I could survive Jeff's death, I can survive anything, even my own mother's death.

"The Polished Widow" said something similar in her post:

Once you bury your husband, you realize you can do anything.

Now this might be a little too much bravado since I don't exactly know how I'm going to react to my mother's death, but, like "The Polished Widow," I've taken on a "let life happen" and "it is what it is" approach to life.  We don’t always have control over situations  We sometimes can't even control our own feelings, we just need to ride them out and realize that "this too shall pass."


"The Polished Widow" says, burying my husband showed me that, and gave me a new perspective on life.  I felt like once Nick died, once that unimaginable event happened, and I can honestly say now, that I am proud of the way I handled it, that it did make me feel almost invincible.  If that’s what life had for me, then everything else would be a piece of cake.  I had got through the worst possible life situation at my age, and I survived...Since burying Nick, I don’t stress about the future, I only wonder where we’ll be in the next year, not the next ten.  If something is out of my control, then I definitely don’t stress about it.  What is the use in worrying about something, that hasn’t even happened yet.  If I spent the time when Nick was sick, worrying about when his end would come, then I would not have enjoyed our last months together...This belief of living in the moment has stuck with me ever since. I don’t like to plan things too far into the future, preferring to live in the present instead...I have minimal time in my life for controversy, stupidity or trivial matters. One of my friends reminded me of my bluntness following Nick’s death, when she came over to vent about a boy she was seeing, lots of blah, blah, blah, I don’t know if I want to be with him stuff.  I told her to get over herself, if she didn’t want to be with him, to break it off. Her happiness was more important than spending her time crying about it on my couch...It’s like I inherited a part of Nick’s confidence when he passed.  Losing Nick, who was my rock, made me need to be more assertive myself.  There was no longer anyone else to fall back on, and though I have happily remarried, I’m still fiercely independent. I will never go back to relying on anyone else to be my backbone...I will also add, I like the new me, I prefer the woman I’ve become to the one I was. It’s why I’m so grateful for having had Nick in my life...Don’t sweat the small stuff, enjoy time with your kids and family, know how fleeting life can be, surround yourself with positive people...Because life doesn’t have to be hard, it’s what you make it, you can get through anything if you don’t have a ‘woe is me‘ mentality.

This is why I love reading other widow blogs.  They remind me I'm not alone, I can empathize and relate, and they usually put what I'm feeling into words so much better than I can!

Qualities of a Dead Husband

I feel like I have taken on some of Jeff's qualities. Like I was so used to him being around or thinking or acting a certain way that when he left, I wanted those qualities around so I just took them on myself.

There are definitely specific things I say that are totally Jeff.  Some of the ways I behave are completely Jeff and even some of the ways I've learned to think or deal with situations are definitely Jeff.

I used to be very controlling and pretty uptight.  I tried not to sweat the small stuff but I know I did.  I cared a lot about what other people thought and I constantly told Jeff to calm down or to stop embarrassing me in public.

There is an actual video on his Facebook page that a friend posted of him being his typical loud, obnoxious self and you can hear me in the background groaning about his behavior.  This is one of my few regrets.  I regret not just letting him be.  People absolutely loved him for his loud, obnoxious, fun behavior.  It embarrassed me at the time.  But I've realized that it wasn't about me, it was about him.  Why did I try to control that?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking on that kind of behavior, but there are just certain things that I've noticed when I say something or do something or think something that is just Jeff.  I catch myself and say "that is totally what Jeff would say/do/think."

It makes me feel good that he continues to live on in me and in others.

The Battle to Get to Today

I remember being at the very beginning of widowhood and just wishing that I could be two or three or even more years in, hoping that time would pass quickly so I wouldn't hurt so badly anymore.

Now that it's been three years since Jeff died, I look back and almost sigh with relief, not because I'm happy that he's been gone for so long, but mainly because I'm relieved to have made it this far and I'm doing relatively well.

Most days, I genuinely am happy, but it definitely took a lot of work to get where I am today.  There have been a lot of lessons learned, tears cried, pain endured, and plenty of turmoil.  But there has also been a lot of lessons learned, lots of laughter, an enormous amount of love, and friendships made and nourished.  There has been a lot of living, good and bad, in these last three years since he's been gone.

I, as well as many other widow's out there, am a testament to the light at the end of the tunnel.  You might stumble along, trip and fall, bump into things and get bruised, but as long as you keep walking towards something, keep working to get there, you will eventually get there.  You may have some scars but those scars are just reminders of the battle you've fought to be where you are today.

We must keep fighting brave widow warriors.  Every day can be a battle, but as long as we keep fighting, we will eventually win the war.