Going back and rereading certain things I've posted, in hindsight, I can see that I was definitely battling my guilt monster. But I'm realizing it's not the same guilt monster, it has evolved, changed, morphed, mutated into something else. It's a lot more subtle and sneaky.
For example, this post, I talk about being judged by others about the way I choose to live my life and grieve, but I think in reality, I am judging myself, I am just projecting my own judgment onto other people. They are not even judging me. I'm judging myself and being angry because I think they are judging me.
Should my guilt monster be changed to judge monster?
Tuesday, February 28, 2017
Tuesday, February 21, 2017
End of Life Option
Last time I saw my mom she talked to me about the End of Life option. I knew she had applied for the program but didn't know that she had already been approved and that the medication was in the house. She hasn't made a decision yet of whether or not she will actually use it but it is now a concrete option.
I think this program is an awesome option for people who are in my mom's condition. My mom has a progressive neurodegenerative disease. There is no cure. There is no remission. There is no hope for a recovery and normal life again. She just continues to go down hill. She can no longer walk, use the restroom, dress herself, and sometimes she can't even feed herself. Her speech is so difficult to understand now that hospice gave her a talking device that she can type on or she uses her eyes to control it. She can no longer be left alone for more than an hour.
I feel that in these kinds of situations, when a disease is terminal and there is only suffering left, people should have the option to control when and how they leave this earth.
But I was still a little surprised that it's not just talk for my mom now, it's a reality. I think my dad is very brave for supporting her. I told Jeff in the end that it was ok to go but I didn't say it until just a few hours before he died. My dad is standing by my mom's side telling her that it's ok for her to go. I'm unbelievably proud of him and his strength.
I told her that I support her and understand her decision if she does choose to use the End of Life medication. I feel that my experience in letting go of Jeff helped me deal with these types of feelings. I need to be unselfish enough to allow my mother to choose to leave. It is her life, her decision. As she said, she is having more bad days than good days and her quality of life is decreasing rapidly.
I'm not sure how I would feel if Jeff had chosen an End of Life option. With Jeff's cancer, I always felt that there was hope. With so much research, there is always a new drug out there or about to be out there for the public to try. With MSA, being such a rare and misunderstood disease, when even doctors and nurses need it explained to them by non-medical people like my family, there isn't hope that a new drug will be ready to try soon. There is very little research being done on MSA. Not very many options are available.
I would hope that I would have been standing by Jeff's side supporting him and his decisions if he would have chosen the End of Life option, just like my father is standing by my mother's side. My parent's continue to be a model of a truly loving and supportive relationship.
There is something so strange when someone close to you has a terminal illness. There is nothing more sad than watching your loved one deteriorate and leave this earth, but I have tried my absolute very best to see the positive in the situation. Not only is it excruciatingly sad, but it also allows the soul to elevate and become more than it was before. I try to not be as selfish and realize that I'm not the one dying, it's not about me. I'm allowed to say what I feel I need to say and hear what I hope I need to hear before they are gone.
These lessons are a gift that can be pushed away and cause anger, hurt, and regression. Or they can be a gift that is embraced, which allows for regeneration into a better overall human being. I try every day for the latter now that I've lost Jeff and I'm losing my mother. It is very difficult though.
I think this program is an awesome option for people who are in my mom's condition. My mom has a progressive neurodegenerative disease. There is no cure. There is no remission. There is no hope for a recovery and normal life again. She just continues to go down hill. She can no longer walk, use the restroom, dress herself, and sometimes she can't even feed herself. Her speech is so difficult to understand now that hospice gave her a talking device that she can type on or she uses her eyes to control it. She can no longer be left alone for more than an hour.
I feel that in these kinds of situations, when a disease is terminal and there is only suffering left, people should have the option to control when and how they leave this earth.
But I was still a little surprised that it's not just talk for my mom now, it's a reality. I think my dad is very brave for supporting her. I told Jeff in the end that it was ok to go but I didn't say it until just a few hours before he died. My dad is standing by my mom's side telling her that it's ok for her to go. I'm unbelievably proud of him and his strength.
I told her that I support her and understand her decision if she does choose to use the End of Life medication. I feel that my experience in letting go of Jeff helped me deal with these types of feelings. I need to be unselfish enough to allow my mother to choose to leave. It is her life, her decision. As she said, she is having more bad days than good days and her quality of life is decreasing rapidly.
I'm not sure how I would feel if Jeff had chosen an End of Life option. With Jeff's cancer, I always felt that there was hope. With so much research, there is always a new drug out there or about to be out there for the public to try. With MSA, being such a rare and misunderstood disease, when even doctors and nurses need it explained to them by non-medical people like my family, there isn't hope that a new drug will be ready to try soon. There is very little research being done on MSA. Not very many options are available.
I would hope that I would have been standing by Jeff's side supporting him and his decisions if he would have chosen the End of Life option, just like my father is standing by my mother's side. My parent's continue to be a model of a truly loving and supportive relationship.
There is something so strange when someone close to you has a terminal illness. There is nothing more sad than watching your loved one deteriorate and leave this earth, but I have tried my absolute very best to see the positive in the situation. Not only is it excruciatingly sad, but it also allows the soul to elevate and become more than it was before. I try to not be as selfish and realize that I'm not the one dying, it's not about me. I'm allowed to say what I feel I need to say and hear what I hope I need to hear before they are gone.
These lessons are a gift that can be pushed away and cause anger, hurt, and regression. Or they can be a gift that is embraced, which allows for regeneration into a better overall human being. I try every day for the latter now that I've lost Jeff and I'm losing my mother. It is very difficult though.
Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Mom Keeps Asking
Anytime Wyoming comes up in conversation with my mom, she asks me what my future plans are. I tell her I don't know.
It's hard as a widow to plan for the future. We think more in minutes when the death of our spouse is brand new, then it can transition into days, weeks, months even, but it's really hard to plan out years in advance because the trauma and experience we have of losing our life partner makes it difficult to plan for the future. We had a plan. But it all changed when our loved one died.
I try sometimes to think about what I want for the future. The only definitive answer I can come up with is that I want to be happy. I don't think about who will necessarily be in my life in order to make me happy because, unfortunately as we very well know, people can come and go with a blink of an eye. I know that I have to make myself happy.
I also think about how long it took me to marry Jeff. We dated for seven years before we decided to finally get married. Because I am not planning on having children, I do not feel in any rush to remarry. I am financially secure, own my own home, and feel like my life has settled into it's new normal. I feel pretty steady and am enjoying life as much as I can right now.
I do know that Wyoming is helping me enjoy life. It's been almost two years since we started dating. We have yet to make a definitive plan on when he will move here and I am perfectly comfortable with our current long distance situation. It's other people who seem to be baffled at my situation, including my mom, which I do feel bad about. I know she wants me settled before she dies but I can't make any promises to her. I have a hard time making promises to myself.
All I know is that I am as happy as I can be right now. I'm happy with my job, my house, my social circle, spending as much quality time with my mom before she's gone, and with my current situation with Wyoming.
I don't mind that my mom keeps asking. She ensures that I reflect and consider what I truly want, even if I won't plan anything. It scares me to think that she will not be around to ask me one day, just like it scared me to think about the day Jeff would no longer be here.
Even though I can't answer my mom's questions, I hope she keeps asking.
It's hard as a widow to plan for the future. We think more in minutes when the death of our spouse is brand new, then it can transition into days, weeks, months even, but it's really hard to plan out years in advance because the trauma and experience we have of losing our life partner makes it difficult to plan for the future. We had a plan. But it all changed when our loved one died.
I try sometimes to think about what I want for the future. The only definitive answer I can come up with is that I want to be happy. I don't think about who will necessarily be in my life in order to make me happy because, unfortunately as we very well know, people can come and go with a blink of an eye. I know that I have to make myself happy.
I also think about how long it took me to marry Jeff. We dated for seven years before we decided to finally get married. Because I am not planning on having children, I do not feel in any rush to remarry. I am financially secure, own my own home, and feel like my life has settled into it's new normal. I feel pretty steady and am enjoying life as much as I can right now.
I do know that Wyoming is helping me enjoy life. It's been almost two years since we started dating. We have yet to make a definitive plan on when he will move here and I am perfectly comfortable with our current long distance situation. It's other people who seem to be baffled at my situation, including my mom, which I do feel bad about. I know she wants me settled before she dies but I can't make any promises to her. I have a hard time making promises to myself.
All I know is that I am as happy as I can be right now. I'm happy with my job, my house, my social circle, spending as much quality time with my mom before she's gone, and with my current situation with Wyoming.
I don't mind that my mom keeps asking. She ensures that I reflect and consider what I truly want, even if I won't plan anything. It scares me to think that she will not be around to ask me one day, just like it scared me to think about the day Jeff would no longer be here.
Even though I can't answer my mom's questions, I hope she keeps asking.
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