They Made a Mistake, She’s Not Coming Home

I received the beautiful urn I purchased for my beloved Bogeys ashes in the mail two days ago.  I was really happy with how it turned out. It was exactly what I had hoped for.  Plus, I had gotten through finals and grade day, which is hard on me because grade day was the day the doctors called to tell me there was nothing more they could do for Jeff. I was feeling pretty good. Bogey would be with Jeff just in time for his five year anniversary.

But about an hour after I opened the package the vet called me.  They told they made a mistake. Even though I paid to have Bogey cremated separately and her ashes returned to me, they cremated her and spread her ashes communally with other dogs somewhere about an hour away.

My Bogey is not coming home to me and I cannot fulfill my promise to Jeff of putting some of Bogey’s ashes with him like he asked me to before he died.

I have been inconsolable these last two days.

I am beyond devastated.

I’ve never asked why me, not when Jeff got sick and died, not when Mom got sick and died, and not when Bogey died.  But this, this mistake, this is making me ask those questions. I wanted my dog back home with me and I wanted to fulfill my wish to my dead husband.

I feel so defeated.

I’ve never felt defeated before so this is a new type of grief for me.  I’ve been trying to figure out why and I think it’s becasue all my sorrow before has been unavoidable tragedy caused by sickness or nature.  Not getting my Bogey back was avoidable and caused by human error that is now irreparable. I didn’t have to feel this pain if somebody had done what they were supposed to do. The pain I feel, and the inability for me to fulfill a promise to my dead husband, is a direct correlation to a person’s incompetence.

This adds to a whole new level of emotions leading up to Christmas and Jeff’s five year anniversary.

What I try to keep telling myself is I did what I was supposed to do. I paid the extra money and requested Bogey’s ashes to be returned to me. I did what I was supposed to do to fulfill Jeff’s wish.

But the reality is, Jeff’s wish and my promise to him will not be fulfilled and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

 The perfect urn that will remain empty.

My beloved Bogey will never come home to me.

Childhood and the Holidays

I remember this overwhelming sense of joy during the holidays when I was a child and into my early adulthood.  As a child, my mother would decorate the entire house for Christmas.  It literally was a wonderland.  I particularly remember she would put these candy garlands up on the door frames and I used to just stare at them and drool.  She also had this little Christmas village she collected and displayed that I loved to sit in front of and create little families and whatnot in my imagination.

As I got into my teens, decorating the house turned into a tradition for my mom and me.  I would help her take everything down from the attic and unpack and unwrap it all.  Then we would spend about a day and a half decorating the entire house.  When I bought my own house, she would come over and help me decorate mine as well, although that would only take us a couple hours, mainly because I was lazy and didn't have nearly as many decorations as she did.  We continued that tradition until she got sick.

My mother also baked around the holidays.  Once I was old enough to help her, somehow the holiday baking morphed into this massive endeavor.  There were staples that we made every year and once she knew I had mastered those on my own, she then started bringing in new recipes.  Some ended up staying in the repertoire and some did not.  At our height, we were probably baking close to a thousand cookies, bars, fudges, and breads in two days.  We would package these confections up in beautiful trays and cellophane and deliver them to our friends and family on either the day before Christmas Eve or Christmas Eve morning.  People always talked about our cookie trays and hoped they would make the list of deliveries.  I baked with my mother until Jeff got sick.

I always looked forward to the holidays and these family traditions.  Once I became a teacher, it was so nice to have at least two weeks off for Christmas.  I knew that I just needed to get through finals week and then I was free, free, free to spend that time with my mother and family.  Once the exhausting holidays were over, I usually still had at least a week to relax and unwind before gearing up for the new semester.

All of that changed once Jeff got sick.  Jeff was diagnosed late October and began radiation and chemotherapy around Thanksgiving.  I did not help my mother bake the year he was diagnosed.  The following year, he went into the hospital December 12th and was in the hospital during finals week, then came home December 22nd, just in time for Christmas.  He died December 29th.  Ever since his diagnosis, things have not been the same for me around the holidays.

Now, instead of looking forward to all of the family traditions and the happiness, I don't feel any joy really.  I still have the stress and exhaustion of finals week.  But instead of the excitement and joy once finals are over, it's more a feeling of gearing up and bracing myself for the emotions.  On top of that, I also need to buck up now that my mom is gone because I'm the one that organizes Christmas and communicates the plans for Christmas with the extended family.

My sister is trying to continue the tradition of holiday baking with her twin daughters on a significantly smaller scale.  She wants me to be involved but it's just too hard and I just get sad, which is not something I want my nieces to witness.  They are children and they deserve to have the same childhood I did, full of excitement and joy, not sadness and loss.

My sister and I also go over to my parents' house to help my dad decorate since Christmas with the family has always been there.  This is also something that I no longer enjoy, since it was something I did with Mom who is now gone.  This and Jeff's death contribute to this overwhelming blanket of sadness that just hangs over me.

But such is life.  I gotta put my big girl panties on and deal with it.

There's a Japanese saying: Shakata ga nai, which means it cannot be helped, nothing can be done about it, it must be endured.

I miss the excitement and happiness around the holidays.

I miss the naivete of never having lost someone close to me because of death.

I miss the simplicity of being a child around the holidays.

I miss my mom and Jeff.

It Is All Right to Move Forward

I've been struggling since my beloved Bogey died.  I started going to therapy again twice a month and have been feeling anxious, especially because I was not there when she died.  I was able to be there when Jeff and my mom both died and I worry that my Bogey felt alone and needed me.

I am also realizing that without a dog in the house, I have so much less responsibility and have more freedom to travel and stay away from the house longer.  I miss my dog so much but I am enjoying the freedom not having a dog provides.  Along with this comes the guilt.  I dreaded the day Bogey would die and I'm having a hard time dealing with the juxtaposition of missing her so very much and enjoying not having the responsibility, which is when the guilt comes.

I am in a pretty good place in my life right now, especially with Wyoming, but for some reason I feel the need to punish myself by allowing guilt and sorrow to dull the happy times.  I understand on an intellectual level what is going on with me, but it is so hard to grapple with the emotions.  I know that a lot of these emotions stem from this specific time of year and the trauma associated with it.  I especially feel guilty around Jeff's anniversary with Wyoming living with me now.

I decided to go back and reread my favorite widow blogger, the blogger who got me through the first two years and who I looked up to for her strength and honesty.  Her husband died suddenly when she was 29 and she is now remarried with two children and hasn't written on her blog since 2016.  Even though she hasn't written in years, I still use her words to help me.

This specific post she wrote has helped me a lot this past week.  Her words remind me that it is all right to move forward, to love another, and to be happy, which is something that I've been struggling with a lot since Wyoming has moved in with me and Bogey died.

I am grateful that there is a community of widows that I may turn to for comfort and advice, even if I've never met them in real life.  That is the beauty of blogging and the widowed community.

Rough Start to the Holidays

It's been a week since my Bogey died suddenly.  This has been a very hard week.

I have such a difficult time emotionally around the holidays.  Jeff went into the hospital right before finals week five years ago and then died December 29th.  It's been very difficult to celebrate Christmas without my mom these past two years.  And now my Bogey died.

I am trying my hardest to handle all of this grief the healthiest way I know how.  I wrote a previous post at the beginning of November detailing the steps I have taken to recover and be happy again and I found myself returning to that post to help me through this next round of grief.  These are the things I'm doing right now:

• I am continuing to go to Pilates regularly even though I am so tired and heavy with grief.  I know in the long run that exercise is helping me.
• I am attempting to eat as healthy as possible, even though the effort it takes to meal prep and cook is exhausting.
• I have an appointment scheduled this month to see my therapist.
• I have been using specific essential oils to help with my grief, specifically Young Living's Release and Joy oils.  
• I also have an appointment to have an emotional release procedure done using Young Living essential oils with the same person who helped me deal with my grief right after Jeff died, the loss of my in-laws, and right before my mom's celebration of life. 

I know that all of these things are helping me because they have helped me deal with my grief in the past, but it doesn't mean that grief gets any easier when you lose a loved one.  The struggle continues to be arduous and tough but I also know that I will come out the other end intact if I take care of myself.

I recently read this quote by Anne Frank, "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."

This quote is a wonderful reminder to get out of your tunnel vision of grief and look around at what you have to be grateful for.  I know that when I practice finding three things I'm grateful for every day, it is a tremendous aid in bringing me out of the constant sadness.

I know through experience that taking care of myself and with enough time, the pain will be less sharp.  I need to stay the course and continue to do what is healthy and right for me to be able to get through the difficult holiday season with as much grace as possible and eventually recover.

Goodbye My Beloved Bogey

I can't believe I'm saying this but my dog died November 29th.  She either had a heart attack or seizure while I was at work and by the time Wyoming could get her to the vet, she had already died.  She died exactly one month shy of Jeff's five year anniversary.  She was my last living connection to Jeff.  He was the one to name her Bogey because he loved golf so much.

I guess Jeff just couldn't wait any longer for her.

I've only had her for seven and a half years.  I adopted her a few months after Jeff and I were married.  When I first brought her home, everyone including Jeff told me I got a lemon of a dog.  She was a sixteen pound disaster aesthetically and behaviorally.  But all it took was some tender loving care and some time and she really blossomed.  She was not a perfect dog by any means, but I always called her my diamond in the rough.

After she was cleaned up, Jeff fell in love with her.  She was his constant companion when he was going through radiation and chemotherapy and was right with him when he died.  Then she was my constant companion as we both grieved Jeff.

Wyoming is especially distraught over her death.  They struggled to get along at times but these last couple of months, they really grew to love each other.  He has been home with her everyday since he moved here.  He was still a little rough with her but they were really starting to get along.  He had started teaching her tricks and she would nap with him.  They went on walks and adventures together while I was at work.  He feels guilty that he wasn't able to save her in time and that we got into so many fights over how she should be treated.  He now has lost his two pit bulls and Bogey within two years of each other.  He can't stop crying.  He really grew attached to Bogey and now that she's gone, he regrets how hard he was on her.  He keeps saying that he just wants his buddy back.

I can't stop crying either.  The entire house is full of her.  She has a kennel outside, one in the garage, and one in our bedroom.  She has a bed in front of the fireplace, her toy box by the TV, her chew bones and toys spread throughout the entire house.  She has a water bowl upstairs in our bathroom, and her food dishes downstairs by the kitchen.  Last year, I bought stairs for her to get up on my bed, and she probably has more sweaters and costumes than I can count.  The sweater she was wearing when she died still smells like her.  I've kept it by my bed and continue to smell it.  I am dreading the moment her smell is gone.

I knew how much my dog meant to me, but you really don't notice how much your life revolves around your dog until they're gone.  Her feeding, sleeping, and potty routine are habits that are going to be hard to break.  Not seeing her in the mornings, hanging out with me while I watched TV or read, not having her follow me around the house as I did chores, and not hearing her bark with excitement and run out to greet me when I get home from work is absolutely devastating. 

I loved her so much before Jeff died, then loved her even more after he died, and now she's gone, just like he is.  I don't know what I'm going to do without her, just like I didn't know what to do without him.  But at least when Jeff died, I had Bogey to comfort me.

I hope he was there to greet her and I hope that they are happy together.  I just wish they both didn't leave me so soon.

I gathered up all of her chew bones she had scattered around the house and took this picture a few months before my Bogey died.

I will miss this face forever.

Wyoming and My Dog.

Now that Wyoming is officially here, there have been a few bumps in the road with both of us adjusting to living together, but the biggest bump so far is regarding my dog.   I rescued my terrier poodle mix the same year that Jeff and I were married.  Jeff wasn't happy about me adopting this little sixteen pound disaster of a dog but he insisted that because I got to choose her, he got to name her so I knew he was invested.

When I finally brought her home he thought she was dirty and ugly and told me to take her back.  But after we had her groomed and he got to know her, he absolutely fell head over heels in love with her.  She was his best buddy.  Sometimes I even got a little jealous of the two of them.

He told me after he was diagnosed that he wanted her ashes to be with his.  I joked with him that he didn't care where I went as long as he had the dog.  She was his constant companion the fourteen months he was going through radiation and chemotherapy after he was diagnosed.  She slept on his bed or under his bed when he finally came home from the hospital and was right there when he took his last breath.

I am obviously very attached to her and sometimes do not discipline her the way I should.

She is not good with small children and has bit and snapped at my nieces.  She is definitely not perfect but she is mine and I love her with all of my heart.  She is the last remaining thing I have of Jeff since I no longer speak to anyone in his family.

Since Wyoming has moved to town, he doesn't agree with how I treat my dog.  He thinks she needs more discipline and his idea of how to treat a dog is completely different than mine.  My dog spends all of her time inside when I'm home.  She's only outside when I'm not at home.  Wyoming is used to dogs being outside all of the time and definitely not on the furniture or bed.  He raised two pit bulls so he's used to bigger, tougher dogs.

He is rougher with my dog than I'm used to and she is so much smaller than his other two dogs that even when he's not disciplining her, just the way he plays and pets her is rough and she cries out because she's scared of him, which makes him angry, he thinks she's a big wuss.  I don't think he means to hurt her, because he has taught her tricks and is constantly giving her snacks and they even take naps together and they go for walks together when I'm at work, but he is much harder on her when she does something wrong than I would be.  I feel like he is at two extremes, he gives her too many snacks and feeds her from the table, which I don't allow.  I think she should only eat dog food not so much human food.  But he's also harder on her when he feels she needs to be disciplined when I don't think she needs to be disciplined that much or to that extreme.

It's definitely been a big struggle.  I know I'm overly attached and over protective of her, but she's my baby and there is definitely a "Jeff trigger" when it comes to my dog.

I have been going to therapy and trying to find a compromise.  Hopefully, Wyoming and I can come to an agreement about my dog and how she should be treated.  I don't want to lose him over my dog, but I also need my dog to not be anxious, which then helps with my own anxiety.  She is very important to me and she is the last remaining piece of Jeff I feel I have left.

A Break from Thanksgiving Tradition

The holiday season is upon us again.  Another year of holidays without Jeff and Mom but this year we are going to have our first break from our traditional Thanksgiving.

I wrote a post a couple of years back about how I had to organize Thanksgiving for the first time.  You can read it here.  That was the beginning of a new tradition since my mom couldn't organize it anymore.  Last year, my aunt hosted Thanksgiving.   This year, the majority of the family will not be in town for Thanksgiving.  My sister will be going to her husband's family, my aunt who hosted last year will be out in Arizona, and other family will be in Atlanta.

Now family being out of town for Thanksgiving isn't a big deal.  Thanksgiving's are very hit and miss for us.  Some years we have had almost 30 people for Thanksgiving and other years we've only had 5 people.  But this year, since a lot of family will be out of town, my dad suggested we just go to a restaurant for Thanksgiving instead of hosting.

If my mom was still here, there is no way we would ever have Thanksgiving at a restaurant.  She would host it for however many people were available to come.  No matter how many or how few, as long as we were in town, we always had a home cooked Thanksgiving meal at a family member's home.

I have been struggling with this break from tradition.  I know that things change over time but the idea of eating Thanksgiving in a restaurant in my own hometown kind of messes with me.

But I also know that I will be organizing Christmas again this year and we usually have about 30 people for Christmas.  In 2016, I organized both Thanksgiving and Christmas and it was just too much for me.  I'm struggling between continuing a tradition and doing what is best for me physically, emotionally, and mentally during the holiday season, especially because Jeff started whole brain radiation around Thanksgiving and he died December 29th.  With a lot of responsibility and also being a bit of an emotional mess around the holidays, I've learned that I need to take care of myself.

At some point I need to let go of the traditions that shaped my childhood and early adult years.  At some point I need to embrace change, especially since both Mom and Jeff are now gone.  Maybe it's time to start new traditions?  Or maybe just not focus on traditions at all?

A Widow's Steps to Recovery and Happiness

When Jeff was diagnosed with cancer, I started exploring ways for us to live a healthier lifestyle.  I knew that I needed to take steps to better care for myself so I could take care of him.  After he died, I only had myself to take care of so I tried my very best to continue the steps I began while he was sick.  Below are the steps that I incorporated into my life and have continued since his passing.

Step 1:

Eating more whole/organic food and consuming less processed food was the first step.  I always kind of knew that processed food was bad for the body, but once Jeff got sick, I learned all about how processed food and synthetic chemicals affected the body, which can then lead to diseases such as cancer over time.

The main change I made was what I ate for breakfast.  I used to eat a bagel with cream cheese or a pre-made yogurt smoothie with a ton of sugar or some kind of granola bar for breakfast, but then I started making mostly organic smoothies before work.  I was buying a new Nutribullet every couple of years because I really liked the single serving, super efficient little blender but my frozen smoothie ingredients every morning were just too much for the little guy so I finally ended up investing in a Vitamix last year.  The Vitamix is definitely a power house and I love it for my smoothies.  My usual morning smoothie consists of frozen blueberries, banana, apple, carrots, broccoli, spinach and kale mix, greek yogurt and collagen powder.  These are very convenient because everything is frozen except for the greek yogurt and collagen powder.  I just pull it all out of the freezer and add the yogurt and collagen powder and blend (less time than it took me to toast and smear a bagel).  I try to use organic produce for my smoothies most of the time.  They give me a bunch of vitamins and nutrients and usually keep me full until lunch and they are so much better than the processed stuff I used to eat for breakfast.  I feel lighter, am less tired, sleep better, and am more able to focus in the mornings.

Step 2:

The next thing I focused on besides a healthier diet was exercise.  I have always been slightly active but I started becoming more focused once Jeff was diagnosed because of the stress and health benefits of working out.  By the time Jeff was diagnosed, I had already given up lifting weights at the gym and sporadic jogging due to knee injuries (surgery on both knees back in high school).  I had been taking yoga classes on and off, but they were getting expensive and I was frustrated because I was having a hard time finding instructors I liked.  Then a friend recommended Pilates.  After my first Pilates class I was hooked.  My favorite Pilates studio is called Club Pilates.  It is the best combination of breathing and focus, which are the things I liked about yoga and also incorporates core and other strength exercises.  I am very committed to Pilates and try to go three to four times a week now.  I think Pilates has helped my emotional and physical state immensely.

Step 3:

The next step I focused on was my mental and emotional health.  I knew that I was having issues with anxiety and depression after Jeff was diagnosed but I waited until after he died to finally get professional help.  I devoured any and all literature on grief, including pamphlets, books, blogs and other reading materials.  I met with a grief group twice a month the first year after Jeff died.  I was referred to the group through the hospice program Jeff was in but I'm sure through research there are all different kinds of groups available depending on the city.  I also started individual therapy and went on an anti-anxiety and insomnia medication.  Group meetings, individual therapy, and medication definitely helped a lot those first few years.

I think medication for any issue should never be something that a person is ashamed of.  When my doctor suggested I start taking medicine, I knew it was something I needed to help me feel better.  I was on medication for a little over a year after Jeff died and then discussed options with my doctor about going off of medication.  We also talked about the signs to be aware of in case I needed to go back on my medication.  But my doctor also agreed that if I could manage without them and use more natural remedies, that she thought it was a good idea.  I also knew that I didn't want to be on an anti-anxiety and insomnia medication forever, so I started researching other more natural ways to combat both.

Step 4:

The most recent step I have added is the use of essential oils.  I had been researching the use of essential oils to help with stress, anxiety, and insomnia and started off with a basic diffuser and essential oils that I bought at TJMAXX.  I didn't know very much about essential oils and the difference between the quality of them but as I did further research, I realized that it was just as important to buy quality oils as it is to buy quality food.  A friend told me about Young Living about 3 years ago, but at that time I was just not willing to spend that much money on oils when I could get them at discounted retail stores for very little money.  I thought I could get the same results from less expensive oils, which I realized later were much lower in quality.  It's taken me years to move from the lesser quality oils and move into cleaner, higher quality oils and have recently started buying my oils from Young Living.  I also heard that doTERRA and Floracopeia are also high quality brands.

I'm not going to say that essential oils solved all of my issues.  What I am going to say is that they help me deal with them in a healthier way.  There are so many awesome oils to help with so many different issues.  The main oils I love are the ones that help me deal with stress, anxiety, and sleeping.

It is important to do your research before you begin using essential oils.  Some essential oils are very potent and if used incorrectly could be harmful.  This is why I decided to start buying essential oils from Young Living.  Because I buy from Young Living, there is a whole community of people that I can turn to for questions on practically anything to do with essential oils.  I have now gotten awesome and safe recipes for allergies, insomnia, bronchitis, common colds, feeling run down, and weight loss support so far.  I feel like incorporating essential oils is just another step in taking care of myself along with proper nutrition, exercise, and therapy.

If anyone is interested in signing up to be a part of my awesome essential oils community, feel free to check out the sign up page here.  You DO NOT by any means need to sign up or buy anything though.  You can click on the tabs at the top to learn all about Young Living and just explore or you could look into doTERRA and Floracopeia, which are also quality brands of oils.  I do suggest if you are planning to start using essential oils that you do your research and try to find the best quality oils for your budget and needs and how to safely incorporate them into your life.

Adding essential oils has been the most recent step that I've taken to care for myself.  Just like healthy eating, therapy, and exercise, quality essential oils may be pricey but what I've realized is that we all take care of so many other people, monetarily and emotionally, that I feel justified in spending time and money on myself. 

We all need to make sure that we take the time to figure out what steps we need in order to recover and find happiness again.  It has taken me almost five years to figure out what works for me.  During that time, I have tried many different things, some with more success than others.  These four steps have worked for me so far and I plan on continuing to look for more steps that will help me continue to be happy.

Jeff's 43rd Birthday

These last few weeks, I've been traveling a lot.  I flew three times in one month: to my aunt's funeral in Washington, to Nuevo Vallarta for a family vacation, and then to Windsor, CA for a wedding.  I have been ridiculously busy trying to manage my life, house, and classroom since I've been gone so much.

I consciously knew that my birthday had passed (it was the same day as my aunt's funeral) and that October was right around the corner, which also means Jeff's birthday is approaching, but with all the travel and birthdays (in the month of September and October combined there are at least 8) the days have been whizzing by.  The other night while lying in bed, I was thinking about making brownies for a friend of mine who's birthday is this week and had a moment of panic.

It's Jeff's birthday next week!

A bunch of emotions flooded through me: sadness that he's not here, guilt that I haven't been preparing myself for his birthday and that it caught me by surprise, then confusion because I had a hard time figuring out how old he is, and then guilt again because I didn't know his age immediately.

When Jeff was alive, and for a few years after he was gone, we had an annual tradition of going to Las Vegas for October birthdays with all of our friends.  As we've gotten older and people started families, it became more and more difficult to organize those annual trips so we haven't gone for the last couple of years.  Without that tangible reminder and preparation, I experienced a sense of panic because I feel like I almost forgot Jeff's birthday.

I know I didn't forget it, but it's the idea that I could have.  It's ridiculous to think that because I don't think I will ever forget his birthday, but because it's not something that was on the forefront of my mind with all of the travel and just life in general consuming me, I think I ultimately feel guilty that I'm living and he's not.

I get this overwhelming sense of guilt that my life is really great.  I'm enjoying friends and family, watching my twin nieces hit milestones and grow, making home improvements, going on vacations, and living with Wyoming  I'm doing all of these things and living this wonderful life all without Jeff.  Survivor's guilt, maybe?

While I was lying in bed and trying to figure out how old Jeff is, (I actually had to do the math, which made me feel terrible), I had this visceral feeling that I was cheating on Jeff while Wyoming was lying in bed next to me.  I actually scooted away from him and thought about getting up.  I had to remind myself that I'm not doing anything wrong, but I felt like I was.  I felt like I was betraying Jeff.

I managed to recover relatively quickly, but those feelings of cheating on Jeff still pop up occasionally.  I took a big breath, sighed deeply, and felt a little better.  Then I spoke to Jeff and told him how much I loved and missed him.  I actually called him an old man since he's nearing his mid-forties, which made me smile because I would have definitely been calling him old if he was still here today.

Jeff will always be a part of my life, he will never leave me, and I know he wants me to be happy and continue to live.

Sometimes when I say those things, I'm not actually sure if I believe them or if I just say them because I know I'm supposed to.

I will always hate cancer for making me a widow.

My 39th Birthday

As my 39th birthday draws near, I can't help but think about how Jeff didn't make it to 39.  I know this was also something I thought about last year as I hit the 38 year mark.

I'm trying to identify the feeling and I think I've come down to a little bit of anger and a lot of sadness.  Angry that he was robbed of life and experiences so soon, but mainly sadness that he and I were both robbed of experiences together.

I think about how we would have changed in these last 5 years, not only as a couple together but also individually, if he would still be alive.

I just can't help but feel survivors guilt when I think about why his life was cut short and I'm still alive to learn and grow and experience.

It reminds me that every day is a gift.  We should all be grateful for the life we have and continue to strive for happiness, which has a different meaning for each of us.  Jeff only made it to 38 and didn't get the opportunity to see 39 years.

Through all the grief work I've done and all of the other losses I've experienced since he's been gone, I am truly grateful for the growth I've made and the happiness I've been able to find.

I still really hate cancer for making me a widow though.

So Much Death Yet So Much Gratitude

My aunt died suddenly last week of a heart attack.  I went to therapy the next day and spoke to my therapist about how it was affecting me.

My aunt dying suddenly brought up many different emotions.  Sadness was the first emotion of course and empathy for my uncle and cousin followed closely.  But the emotion that I was ultimately left with was one of gratitude.

I am so grateful that I was allowed the opportunity to have time with both Jeff and my mom before they died.  Since Jeff had lung cancer and Mom had MSA, we knew what their fate was so I was able to spend that quality time and not take the finite amount of time left for granted since neither of them died "unexpectedly."

I was much more able to do that with Mom than with Jeff since I had already learned so many lessons from Jeff, but I was still able to let Jeff know how important he was to me and I knew how important I was to him.

But my cousin and uncle were not able to get those opportunities.  My aunt was just going about her normal day when she had a heart attack and died before the paramedics could get her to the hospital.  My uncle was able to get home in time to see the paramedics working on my aunt but my cousin lives a few hours away and did not make it in time to see her mom before she died.  Both my uncle and cousin suddenly had their whole lives change unexpectedly.

I am so grateful that I had the time and opportunity with Jeff and my mom to say good bye before they died, to tell them how much I loved them, and to attempt to prepare myself for what my life would be like without them, even though I still don't feel like one can ever prepare oneself for such devastating losses.

I am living with huge voids but at least I had the chance to to let them know how much they meant to me and I was able to know how much I meant to them.

I've had so much death in these last 5 years, but it has taught me to have so much gratitude as well.

I recently read a great blog post called "Focusing on Everyday Gratitude."  If you struggle with finding gratitude in tough life situations and circumstances or just every day in general, she gives some good tips about how to be grateful everyday.

Mom's First Year

July 21st was the anniversary of my mom passing.  She's been gone a year and I had a rough time with it.

I miss her very much and it doesn't help with all of the stress of starting the new school year.  I just felt so tired and unmotivated and my body was literally heavy with grief.  I had myself a good cry in the morning, then went to see her at the cemetery (saw Jeff too) and tried to get on with my day.

And like every other day, the sun still rose and set and life moved forward, which is a blessing and a curse at the same time.

I miss you Mom, every day

A Not Forgotten Anniversary

Wyoming and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary together.  Since he's been in town, it's been a bit of a rough transition.  Overall, I think things are going well, but sometimes sharing space with a significant other can be challenging in the beginning.

Our 3 year anniversary landed on the Friday before Mother's Day.  I wrote about how difficult Mother's Day was for me this year in this blog post.

Because Wyoming and I had been fighting, neither one of us mentioned our anniversary.  The morning of our actual anniversary we got into a pretty big fight before I left for work.  Neither one of us said anything about our anniversary and I thought he forgot about it and he thought I forgot about it, but he surprised me by bringing a flower arrangement to my pilates studio after class and giving it to me.  Little did he know, that I had a big basket of about 30 different types of candies all wrapped up in my car for him, he has a huge sweet tooth.

I got a bouquet of flowers and he got a bouquet of candy.  It was perfect.

Wyoming admitted that he was pretty upset the morning of our anniversary because I was cranky and sad and I didn't mention our anniversary so he "got all up in his feelings."

We didn't go out to dinner or do anything fancy like previous years since I was still pretty sad about Mother's Day so I have a feeling we will celebrate later.

Navigating grief and love and grief and new relationships is hard.  But I am trying my best to be happy and to move forward.  I am grateful for all of the people who put up with me and my moodiness as I deal with my grief.

Mother's Day

This was my first Mother's Day without my mom.

I found it pretty hard.  I was pretty tense and irritable the week leading up to Mother's Day and with Wyoming in my space, he had a hard time handling my irritability.

I feel like he expects me to not be irritable and thinks he can make it better.  He can't make it better, only I have the control to make it better.  I ultimately control my own happiness.  Things can happen around me, things can happen to me, but only I control my response.

My response to this first Mother's Day without my mom was to be irritable and sad.  Nothing he can do or say will change that and he wasn't happy about it and as he kept pushing me and taking it personally, it only led to a fight.

I understand that this is a stressful time for him moving here to be with me, but my grief is too big right now that I had nothing left to give him at the time.  I needed to be left alone and that's what I told him, but, understandably, he felt like he moved here so I wouldn't be alone and he wanted to help.  Even though I told him what I needed, he didn't listen.

Knowing what I know about  myself and grief since Jeff has died tells me that coming up to big anniversaries, holidays, and significant dates, my anxiety grows and manifests itself in irritability.  I wish this is something that I could change but I feel like at least I recognize it.  I tend to turn inward and just want to be left alone until the date passes or until I have some kind of breakdown.

I'm sure this is not easy to live with but I need him to understand that it's not personal.  This has nothing to do with him.  But he takes it personally and doesn't understand why I'm being mean to him.  I don't feel like I'm being mean to him, I just don't want to pretend that I'm happy or okay.  I just want to be left alone.

What you see is what you get with me.  If I'm happy, or sad, or anxious, or irritable, or frustrated, or angry, or excited everyone around me knows it.  If it's a positive feeling, it's nice to be around other people but when I'm feeling negative, I try to remove myself so I don't take it out on others.  Right now, Wyoming has no where to go since the land isn't ready for him to move on to yet and he doesn't have a job so he's stuck with this cranky person in a house that isn't his.

It's not a good situation for either of us.  It just made Mother's Day harder for me.

Jeff and I had 10 years together, and don't get my wrong, we definitely got on each other's nerves, but we had spent so much time together and gotten through so much together that he knew how to read me and instead of pushing me, he would give me my space until I came around.  Wyoming doesn't know this yet.  Hopefully he's starting to figure it out and realize that when I say I need something (like to be left alone), he will listen.  We've been together for almost three years now, but the majority of our relationship so far has been long distance.  We are definitely still learning a lot about how to be in each other's space full time.

I miss my mom and I miss Jeff.  Hopefully they are together shaking their head at me and calling me a brat.

Two Hundred Posts!

Wyoming is Officially Here was  my 200th post.  I can't believe I have written 200 posts.  I remember when I was surprised that I made it to 100 posts.

I started this blog to help me deal with the grief over losing my husband to lung cancer December 29, 2013.  I needed an anonymous outlet.  I'm not as anonymous as I used to be since I've posted a video of my first dance at my wedding and a picture of my uncle and my mom but since none of my family and friends know about this blog, I still feel anonymous when I write.

This blog has given me the opportunity to truly express my feelings; my ups and downs, my frustrations and triumphs, my happy times and my sad times, all while being honest and open without fear of hurting those close to me.

I know how much other widow blogs have helped me in the past and continue to help me and I do hope that what I have posted has helped others as well.  I know that writing about what I have been going through regarding the loss of my husband and how that loss has affected my life has been a form of therapy for me.  It gives me an outlet and an opportunity to work through my thoughts and feelings on situations as well as allowing me the opportunity to chronicle my growth and lack of growth. Going back and re-reading old posts helps me see how far I've come but also what I still need to work on.

Thank you to the handful of people who have been following my journey and have provided such positive comments.  We all know that grief is really hard and that everybody grieves and handles grief differently so it is nice to be able to connect with people and know that I'm not alone and help others realize that they aren't alone either, even if we are all on our own separate journeys.

I miss my husband every day and hate cancer for making me a widow, but I am grateful for the lessons I've learned and appreciative of all those who have supported me in good times and in bad.

I'm not quite sure how long I will continue to write.  I figure I will continue to write as long as I need to.  I might not post as often as I used to, but as we all know, life keeps happening whether we want it to or not, and we all need to keep learning and growing and moving forward as we live it.

He Made Contact Again!

April 29th was the four year, four month anniversary of Jeff's passing.  I used to countdown and mark each 29th until one month I forgot and didn't.  Even though the anniversary of Jeff's death isn't at the forefront of my mind like it used to be, I still recognize it and count it most months. 

Some months are harder than others, but usually every 29th, I note that another month of my life has passed without Jeff.

This four year, four month anniversary, Jeff made contact again.  He didn't make contact with me though.  He made contact with Wyoming.  This isn't the first time he's made contact with Wyoming.  I wrote about the first time in this post.  

Wyoming woke up on April 30th to a missed call.  On his missed call log it showed that someone from a restricted number called with my husbands first and last name at 10:14 pm.  

Now I know that some people would say that it's just a coincidence, that maybe a salesman or someone called and he just happened to have the same first and last name as my husband and he just happened to call on the four year, four month anniversary of my husband's death.

But I don't believe in coincidences since Jeff died.  Now I think coincidences are really signs.  

I don't know why Jeff doesn't contact me.  Maybe he does and I just don't notice or recognize it?  But the way he contacts Wyoming definitely cannot be missed or go unrecognized.

Maybe this is Jeff's way of saying hi?  Maybe this is Jeff's way of acknowledging that he's still around?  Maybe this is Jeff's way of saying he knows Wyoming is staying in our house? 

I don't know why Jeff contacts Wyoming this way but all I know is that I'm happy he does because it proves that he's still out there watching over me.  It shows me that he is still around and he still cares.

I wish Jeff was still here, but even though he's not, I'll take whatever contact from him I can get, even if he doesn't contact me directly.  I still get his message.

Wyoming Is Officially Here

Over my spring break Wyoming and I drove out to Casper, Wyoming to close down his apartment.  It took us three days to drive out, three days to pack up his apartment and put most of it in a storage unit out there, and then three more days to drive back.  I drove one of his vehicles and he drove the other and both were packed full of the stuff that he wanted to bring with him.

With the fantastic weather in Wyoming it was a fun drive for this California girl who has never driven in sleet or snow (I meant that sarcastically) let alone a vehicle packed full of boxes and stuff.  It was not my favorite spring break to say the least but he is now officially here.

We are still working out where he is going to live but the plan as of now is that he will be living  on the land I bought back in April of last year in a travel trailer that he bought last month.  We are still waiting to get the land cleared so he has a spot to put the trailer so in the meantime he is staying with me. We all know how I feel about that from this post.

I made him get a little storage unit to house all of the stuff he brought with him.  This guy comes with a lot of stuff!  But I need to remember that it's normal, it is part of his whole life that he didn't leave behind in the storage unit in Wyoming.

This has been a stressful time for both of us.  He has given up his life with family and friends and his job out in Wyoming to be here with me.  He has to find a new job and figure out his new normal out in San Diego, which is quite a bit different than Wyoming.

I am grateful that he was willing to give so much up for me and move out here to be with me, but it's also a little scary since it means this is real and we are committing to a life together.  The last person I committed a life together with died so, you know, I hope that doesn't happen again.

Moving forward is awesome and frightening at the same time.

Happy Birthday Mom

Today is my mom's 68th birthday.

I miss her.

April 8th

Another wedding anniversary without Jeff has passed.

This year, I, of course, knew it was coming, but just a few days ago the conscious realization of it essentially smacked me in the face.  I had a slight feeling of panic as I was going about my normal routine and life and then I freaked out, what day is it today?  Oh, phew, it's just the 4th...I didn't forget about it or miss it whereas in the past, I was painfully conscious of the day, sometimes months, weeks, and days leading up to April 8th.

This time last year I had multiple breakdowns mainly because I was in escrow to the buy the land.  This year I haven't had any breakdowns yet, but I'm weary since Wyoming and I are in the process of figuring out how he can move here so we will no longer be long distance.

I wonder if this timing is coincidence or Jeff's work since after he was diagnosed, he told me he didn't want to leave me alone.

Or maybe this is just life, and life moves forward if you want to truly live.

All I know is that I miss Jeff on our wedding anniversary and I wish he was still here with me to celebrate seven years married and fourteen years together.

But It's MY House

It's been almost three years that Wyoming and I have been together.  We are currently still in a long distance relationship but we are talking more about him coming to live in San Diego and what that will look like.

He would like to be able to move in with me.  But I don't want him to live with me.  I know that's not quite fair to him.  He is the one leaving his friends and family, leaving his job, and moving to a city he's never lived in.  He is the one who would have to find a new job.  He is the one that is sacrificing a lot for us to be together.  I do feel bad that he is giving up so much to make our relationship work but I still don't want him to move in with me.

I've thought a lot about why I don't want him to move in with me.  I've come up with a few reasons  I don't want him to move into my house and the main reason is that I think we need to start a life together and I'm not sure I can do that in the same house I had a life with Jeff.

I bought my house by myself before Jeff and I were married.  As a young single female, I was very proud and very possessive of my house and I still feel the same way.  When Jeff moved in with me, I didn't allow him a say in pretty much anything regarding the house.  I chose the paint colors, I chose the concrete pattern and color for the backyard, I chose to put in hard wood floors, I chose to put in synthetic grass, I chose all of the furniture and what went on the walls.  Jeff didn't have a say in any of that, but Jeff also didn't seem to care.  I think he was kind of happy that he didn't have to make any of those decisions.

Wyoming is different.  He has some clothes and personal belongings in my house already but they are put away out of site for the most part.  He has very little in my closet.  He does have his motorcycle in my garage and that actually annoys me, when I know very well that it shouldn't.  What this all tells me is that I don't want Wyoming to change any part of my house, which is extremely unfair to him.  I am aware of that.  He should have the ability to come into the place he is going to call home and make it his own.  But my mentality is that the house is mine and mine alone.  Not a good mentality when you are starting a life with another person.

My solution is for Wyoming and I to develop the land I bought and put a house on it that will be ours together.  We will both have a say in all parts of the house and we will work as a team.  I will not have the right to make decisions regarding our home all by myself.

Wyoming doesn't want to wait to develop the land and build a house to move to San Diego.  He thinks it's unfair for him to sacrifice so much and worry about finding a place to live and paying rent for an apartment while we are developing the land and he is looking for a job.  My answer to that is that we need to wait before he moves here, but he is tired of being long distance.

We are at a standstill.

Losing Pieces of Him

I was telling a story about Jeff the other day and I was trying to remember a specific thing he used to say and I couldn't bring it into focus and remember exactly how he said it.  It was right there, at the tip of my tongue, but it kept slipping away.

I'm losing pieces of him.

Not only do I think about Jeff everyday, but I mention him at least once a day to someone by retelling a story, saying something he would say or do, or seeing something that reminded me of him.  He is never far from my mind and heart and it bothered me that I couldn't remember how he specifically said something when I was trying to recall it.

That makes me so sad but I'm trying to put it into perspective.  I know I will never forget him completely but I don't want to forget anything about him.  He deserves to be remembered fully.

But I also know that as I keep living, growing, learning new things, and having new experiences, the brain has to make room for new stuff.  I just want my brain to put all of the things about Jeff in storage and not take anything about him to the dump.  I want to be able to have accurate access to that storage place for Jeff at any time.

I love that time has dulled the pain of losing him, but I also hate that time is erasing too many details that I want to remember.  Is that why the pain is dull?  Because the details are less sharp?

I hate cancer for making me a widow.

Valentine's Day

Valentine's Day is upon us.  Jeff and I officially started seeing each other on Valentine's Day.  This February 14th would have been 14 years together. 

I don't necessarily live in the past, I try to live in the present.  But Jeff is my past and he is my past not out of any choice by either one of us.  We didn't choose to be separated, it was chosen for us.

Wyoming is my present, but it's hard to not live in the past with Jeff.  I don't know how to fully let go of Jeff and our past in order to fully enjoy the present.

What has me torn is that Wyoming's birthday is on Valentine's Day.  It's hard to celebrate a new love's birthday as well as mourn the anniversary with your lost love.  Wyoming and I have been together for almost 3 years now but since we've been a long distance couple, this is actually the first time we've been able to spend his birthday together.  Usually we have to wait for a while before we can be in the same town together to celebrate.  This year he is in town for his birthday.

I went to go buy Wyoming a birthday/Valentine's Day card and I couldn't help but think about Jeff because for years I was buying anniversary/Valentine's Day cards for Jeff.  It's weird how I feel like I'm cheating on both of them.

It's definitely true that ghosts can haunt us and it's also truly unfair that I can feel guilty about loving both of them.

I hate cancer for making me a widow.

Reflecting on Four Years

It's been over four years since Jeff died.

I found myself reflecting on a post by one of my favorite widow bloggers.  Here is her full post.  What I connect most to are these words of hers:

I find myself reflecting on the last eight years.  What lessons have these years taught me?  Among other things, this:

I learned how to grieve.  Well, I know I'm still learning, but I learned early on that grief is a relentless teacher that never really takes a break, only changes, but can apparate back to it's original form and back again in the same moment.  I learned to give myself grace about timelines and linear "progress" and anything else that felt like expectation.  I learned to give grace to others; too, even if they had expectations for my grieving that I could not meet.  Some of the support I got was tremendous (saints, I tell you!).  But, it's also amazing to me how few of the people in my current "inner circle" even knew me eight years ago.  It's hard for me sometimes that they never even knew Sawan, this man that changed me so fully and completely by his presence and then by his absence.

I feel like my fellow widow blogger is in my head.  I live these same thoughts and feelings.  It is surreal to me that people in my life now know me "pre" Jeff, "during" Jeff, and "post" Jeff.  I place people in these categories every day.  Some of them overlap of course.  I have friends who know me through all of these stages, and some of my "pre" and "during" friends are no longer my friends for one reason or another.  I also have some very close friends now that never knew me "during" Jeff.  They only know me "post" Jeff.  I find myself spending time with these people and wishing they had the chance to meet him; I think about how much Jeff would like them or they would like Jeff.

It's interesting and also sad how death marks time and relationships this way for me.

Another part of her post dealt with her attitude toward life:

I learned that life isn't going to look like I thought it would.  It isn't even going to look like I thought it would once I realized I had to re-think life.  I'm still learning to get over that and just live.  I'm learning to live like this is my one wild and precious life, and I won't squander it by merely surviving.

Even though I have been living without Jeff for half the amount of time she's been living without her husband, I still connect so well with her words.  I have definitely learned some of the same lessons she has learned and I'm sure I have much more to learn regarding those lessons.  Of course I have many more lessons to learn as well.  I can't even imagine what I will have learned and how I will feel in four more years.  I know I've learned not to predict!

What is clear to me when I reflect back is that it's obvious that a theme resonates repeatedly with some of us widows; we need to truly live this one life we have and not take it for granted or waste it.  Our husbands deserve that.