Thursday, March 15, 2018

Losing Pieces of Him

I was telling a story about Jeff the other day and I was trying to remember a specific thing he used to say and I couldn't bring it into focus and remember exactly how he said it.  It was right there, at the tip of my tongue, but it kept slipping away.

I'm losing pieces of him.

Not only do I think about Jeff everyday, but I mention him at least once a day to someone by retelling a story, saying something he would say or do, or seeing something that reminded me of him.  He is never far from my mind and heart and it bothered me that I couldn't remember how he specifically said something when I was trying to recall it.

That makes me so sad but I'm trying to put it into perspective.  I know I will never forget him completely but I don't want to forget anything about him.  He deserves to be remembered fully.

But I also know that as I keep living, growing, learning new things, and having new experiences, the brain has to make room for new stuff.  I just want my brain to put all of the things about Jeff in storage and not take anything about him to the dump.  I want to be able to have accurate access to that storage place for Jeff at any time.

I love that time has dulled the pain of losing him, but I also hate that time is erasing too many details that I want to remember.  Is that why the pain is dull?  Because the details are less sharp?

I hate cancer for making me a widow.